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Some Jokes

Started by: TerryW (6964)

My mate from Liverpool has started working in a local slaughterhouse, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a scouser with a job.

Give a scouser a fish, and he can eat for a day.

Give him a fishing rod and he'll put it in your letterbox and nick your car keys.

Labour have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election.

The Conservatives now regard Liverpool as a safe seat.

Drop yours in anytime.

Started: 28th Oct 2021 at 19:03

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self defence class last night.

I've never run so far in all my life.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 19:05

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

My chav neighbour has just put her pyjamas on...

I don’t know if she’s going to bed or going shopping.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 19:22

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away.
Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 19:53

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Never heard that one before. Not a good one that, no.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 19:56

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:06

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Can't see owt.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:08

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Seen it but I don't get it.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:11

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

I cant see that LL, wish full thinking, that.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:14

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

It's two females service personnel pushing a pram with a shouting baby in it. One female is saying "He's going to be a Sergeant Major when he grows up".

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:23

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Correction she's says "Guess who's going to be"

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:25

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

more like Walter mitty.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:31

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:37
Last edited by basil brush: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:42:46

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

It's not LL fault it's not showing it wouldn't for me either. How can a can a babby be a Walt?

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:38

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

make your mind up

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:43

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

You don't half type some shite.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:45

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Half a pan Half a pan Half a pan Onwards

Into the pan of scouse rolled the six onions.

Forward the Scouse Brigade - was there a Veggie dismayed - Not!

But they knew someone had blundered.

Mutton to the right of them, spuds to the left of them. Gravy in front of them,

Volleyed and thundered.

Stormed at with Pepper and Salt

there was no time to halt.

Into the pan of Scouse rolled the six onions.

Onions.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:47

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

you can either see it or you can't.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:53

Posted by: Platty (716)

I wanted to be an actor when I was at school until I fell down a trapdoor during a play our class was performing. I realised it was just a stage I was going through.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:54

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Ta Da!!!

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 20:55

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Basil was being interviewed on his ability to use both hands skilfully and he said "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous".

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:00

Posted by: tomplum (8295) 

Boris Johnson became unpopular in Liverpool in January this year when he said, " I promise everyone in this Country will get a Jab this year", The scousers all heard , ' job' instead of Jab and so no one voted for him,

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:09

Posted by: tomplum (8295) 

What is the odd one out here,

God
Father Christmas
A good scouser,











there's no such a thing as a good scouser

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:10
Last edited by tomplum: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:11:46

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Three lads talking in the play ground one says my dad is the fastest man on earth, he can throw a tennis ball 100 yards and before it hits the floor he can catch it. Second lad says that's nowt my dad can throw a cricket ball 150 yards and before it hits the ground he can catch it. Third lad says that's nowt at all my dads the very fastest, he works for Wigan Metro, he finishes at half past four and he's wom for dinner time.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:10
Last edited by TerryW: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:11:56

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

dinner or tea?

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:14

Posted by: Platty (716)

Terry W: we had to study The Charge of the Light Brigade in the 3rd year, went on and on and on...

(I think the tod won't get that either!)

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:15

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Oh Christ.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 21:16

Posted by: AngelWood (645)

A wooosh moment thereTerry.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 22:18

Posted by: broady (17570) 

What do you all a sarcastic cowboy??

Tex Piss.

Replied: 28th Oct 2021 at 22:33

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

I am sure you may believe your attempts at humour are worthy of an award Terry but have you considered you may be upsetting a whole section of people with connections to Liverpool?

Furthermore what impression of the forum are you creating for anyone looking in?

For someone who talks endlessly about standards and conduct it is somewhat hypocritical behaviour wouldn’t you say?

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 07:27

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

Are you sure this is not somebody else using Terry's name?

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 09:53

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

Don’t say that Baz… he will only start saying.

Prove it
Name names
I don’t cause trouble
I am a bloody nice guy
Etc etc etc.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 12:39

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

no, what I mean is, according to him he's a nice man, a decent poster, doesn't cause trouble.

so this cant be that terry, could it?

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 12:56

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Oh dear I see the girlies are getting their panties all wet again.

I'm not worried about upsetting scousers, the ones I know don't worry about jokes aimed at them.

Nice attempt, but sorry no ceegar.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 14:06

Posted by: tomplum (8295) 

I know a scouser who changed his ways, The cops pulled him up last week, his car was taxed, insured MOT'd and he had a receipt for the gallon of petrol in the tank, He was also caught doing 30 mph, The cops did him for wasting police time,

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 14:16

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Posted by: AngelWood (596)

A wooosh moment there Terry.

Not Arf!

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 14:19

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Did you know If you hold a shell suit to your ear, you can hear the sound of a scouser robbing a house.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 14:22

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

(Comment removed because it broke the rules)

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 14:24

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

You can tell a girl who's German
You can tell a girl who's Dutch
You can tell a girl from Liverpool
But you can't tell her much!

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 15:24

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (8706)

I once went on the big dipper at Blackpool and cried all the way round...

That was an emotional rollercoaster…

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 16:54

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

A Liverpool pensioner has died and left all his worldly possessions to complete strangers.

Although they were the original owners.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 18:56

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

The best thing about this thread is the joke is on you Tezza

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 19:01

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

It seems to bother you three fools more than it does me or anyone else for that matter.

Next.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 19:03
Last edited by TerryW: 2nd Nov 2021 at 21:47:35

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

I see you had one of your disgusting jokes removed, Tez.

What a nice bloke you are.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 19:06

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Is it bothering you?

I doubt it will be the last.

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 19:15

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

Bothered? Me?

Why would I let a fool like you bother me?

Replied: 29th Oct 2021 at 19:29

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Because you felt the need to post about it, why else silly.

Replied: 30th Oct 2021 at 00:13

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

Posted by: TerryW (6729)

(Comment removed because it broke the rules)

oh no, not another one.

Replied: 30th Oct 2021 at 10:32

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

A tramp walks into a jewellers and starts scratching his bum. The assistant behind the counter screams at him "What the hell do you think you're doing??!!".
He looks at her and says, "You buggers wanna make your minds up" then points to the sign in the window...

'Come in and pick your ring in comfort'

Replied: 30th Oct 2021 at 10:55

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

Do you seriously find "schoolboy" jokes such as that amusing Terry?

Replied: 30th Oct 2021 at 15:46

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Replied: 30th Oct 2021 at 15:57

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

All them jokes to no avail.

Ah, well you cant win em all.

Replied: 1st Nov 2021 at 15:24

Posted by: baker boy (15586)

stardelta i worked with loads of scousers.i will rephrase that ,the factory i worked in had loads of scousers on the payroll and most of them had a good sense of humour ,even if you where taking the ---- out of them

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 13:33

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

Kipling, it's Tery Tiny Tears whos taking the Michael out of them.

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 18:50

Posted by: lectriclegs (4519)

Or more precisely me.

(or so he thinks)

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 18:53

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Why would I think that?

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 19:50

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

Cos no one is laughing at you Terry??

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 19:53

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

So he thinks that I think he's a scouse because no one is laughing at me.

Makes sense that. Have a nice evening though,

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 20:15

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

I will, thanks.

BTW……had any laughs yet?











Thought not

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 20:52

Posted by: TerryW (6964)

Laughs are irrelevant, I'm keeping you three entertained.

Replied: 8th Nov 2021 at 21:01

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

Are you entertained Baz?

I was soooooo entertained I turned in for the night.

Replied: 9th Nov 2021 at 08:27

Posted by: basil brush (17461)

i am more entertained by the amount of lies hes told.

Replied: 9th Nov 2021 at 08:38

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

Its the rank hypocrisy and double standards that I pick up on, the lies are just a sideline.

Replied: 9th Nov 2021 at 09:04

Posted by: Stardelta (8848)

Baz?
Just a thought?????

Could a couple of people telling a load of jokes about scousers be described as trolling?

Replied: 9th Nov 2021 at 09:09

 

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