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Funnies for Wanda's Mum
Started by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I wrote to that posh MP about pollution.

It began

"Dear Jacob, re smog......"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat?


An extra-cholesterol......

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I tried to get through to the tinnitus helpline earlier but....

it just kept ringing.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I've just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.

I'd better lilo.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I accidently rubbed herbs in my eyes earlier...


Now I'm parsley sighted

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Two commuters meet on the bus.

"Isn't this great?" says one.

"You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time"

"Exactly," says the other

"By the way - How long are you banned for?"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
"What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad my neighbour today.

"It has two meanings" he replied "The first meaning is - God is Great - "

"And the second?" I asked

"Run like Hell" Muhammad smiled.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
There’s a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Wanda, Look away now

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

"I have something to confess, darling. I used to be a hooker"

He says, "That's alright, sweetheart. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic.

Tell me about it"


She replies

"Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
"What's your name?"

"Dave Bleedin' Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's, Dave?"

"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Prince Harry has stated that He and Mehgan do not want the Traditional Fruit Cake at their upcoming wedding.

Prince Phillip said he will be going anyway

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I opened my electric bill at the same time as I opened my water bill.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse

I used to sell furniture for a living.

The trouble being

it was my own.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Costume party....

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp

Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp


Me: Are you calling me a lyre ?

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A man with a stutter goes to see his Doctor.

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better-- My dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor


"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl - who will be be very interested in you and will want to know all about you”

“Great” says the frog “What’s the bad news?”


“....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....”

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
My wife said "You are paranoid; You act like a detective too much -- I want to split up"



"Good idea" I replied

"We can cover more ground that way"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
When I go to an Indian, I always order a tarka masala ......

...... it's like a tikka masala, but a little otter.

Posted by: lectriclegs (3163) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Paddy says to Murphy

"I robbed a shop last night, I took a load of pictures, the cheapest one is worth £180,000"


Murphy says
"Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya silly eejit"

Posted by: dazzylatic (779) Report abuse
i have a polish friend who is a sound engineer.
i also have a cheq one too,cheq one too,cheq one too

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I got up for the toilet in the night and noticed a stranger sneaking around in next doors garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and whacked him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him

Astonished I got back into bed.
-- My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied

" that Moron next door has still got my bleedin' shovel!!"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket.

As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening.

He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in.

When the police officer checked them, he examined each sack.


He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says meow in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.


When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says woof in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.


He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts

"Potato"

Posted by: bentlegs (4227) Report abuse
There was a VENT on at the Labour Club. he wasn.t doing very well. a chap stood at bar kept shouting , "Ger him off" The VENT said hang on mate i am trying to ern a living , Chat at the bar shouts, Im not talking to thee its that little bugger on thi knee.

Posted by: bentlegs (4227) Report abuse
By the way Cordy. Nice table,

Posted by: stevejmac14 (456)  Report abuse
Bloke from Wigan takes his cat to the vets. He says “con’t ‘ave a look at me cat? The vet says “certainly, is it a Tom?”, the bloke says “Ney I’ve fotched it wi’ me”

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse

Posted by: lectriclegs (3163) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
"I take it you're from America madam"

"You condescending git, just because I'm a little overweight you assume I'm American?"

"No madam, this is Tesco and we don't sell guns"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
If you think your cat loves you.....

just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I love the romance of the Gold Cup Meeting.

Every year I kiss my money goodbye.....

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Just failed my driving test.

When the examiner asked me "What sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?"

Apparently "Fresh farm eggs for sale" Wasn't the answer.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
My Grandfather had Parkinson's disease.

He could never stop interviewing people.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Breaking NEWS:

Britain expels Aleksandr and Sergei meerkat....

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I asked my mate how his diets going.

"Not good mate. I had 6 eggs for breakfast"

"Fried" I asked?

"No, chocolate" he replied

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells

"Don't enter that church you daft begger,
it's a trap!!"

His wife asks him "What on earth are you watching?"

Husband replies "Our wedding video"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Ive just been crushed by a pile of books---

Ive only got my shelf to blame

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of paper they buy.

...If a person buys the Guardian paper they’re liberal lefties.

...If a person buys the Mail paper they’re right wing reactionaries.

...If a person buys Sandpaper...... they are Australian cricketers.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A woman goes up to a car salesman and says
"I'd like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window"

Salesman - "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window"

Woman - "you do now"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
If you are the older twin,

call your twin a few times a day and say,

“When I was your age”

and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
What a wonderful day for going down to the Soviet embassy,

knocking on the door and asking

'Is Len in?'



Ken Dod

Posted by: peebee (218)  Report abuse
Gone but never forgotten.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath.

Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I'd sobered up.

"How did you know I was drunk?" I asked

"You've still got a traffic cone on your head"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Back in Biblical days after the great flood,God speaks to Noah.

He says "Noah, now that the ark is empty, I want you to make it bigger"

Noah replies "Your wish is my command My Lord, what do you need"?

God says "Noah, I want you to add another twenty decks to the ark and fill it with fish"

Noah says "It will be done My Lord, what fish would you like"?

God says "I want it full of Kois, Noah"

Noah replies "Why just Kois,My Lord"?


God replied "Because I want a multi-storey Carp Ark"

Posted by: kenee (1970) Report abuse

Posted by: wiganwench (12) Report abuse
brilliant made my day

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you Bleedin' Moron!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
A bloke on my Ryanair flight refused to turn off his mobile before takeoff.

He was kicking off so much that he got taken off by the police and ended up doing 3 weeks in prison.

Most Ryanair passengers would call that “an upgrade”

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
An employee in our department at work has retired after 44 years without having one sick day.

Management have described her as “dedicated”

We all knew her as

“That cow who kept giving us the flu”

Posted by: arrow (816) Report abuse
The sky burns. Empty buildings collapse into dust. No birds sing and no insects crawl. Earth's final drops of water evaporate into space. A man crawls across a shattered plain, and with his last breath whispers "To comply with GDPR we are updating our privacy policy..."

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I like my steaks rare.

Tonight -- I'm having Panda.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Police have warned Fulham fans not to bring flares into the stadium for the play-off final...

Because that's what they wore the last time they were at Wembley.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
BBC News "A senior NASA engineer has said the first person to set foot on Mars should be a woman"

Too right - We don't want it dusty when the men arrive!

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
My mate knew he was going bald....

when it took him longer each morning to wash his face.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Instead of an open topped bus,
Liverpool will now parade through the city in a horse drawn cart.

The horse has been supplied by Jurgen's brother Klippety.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
"On behalf of the labour party I would like to congratulate the royal couple

on the birth of their new baby which weighed six pounds and seven pence"

Announced Dianne Abbott.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Every member of the Scottish National Party rushed out of Parliament earlier....

.....as they heard the local Westminster chippy were having a

"Buy one get one free" deal on fried Mars Bars.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I’ve recently joined my local boxing club
The trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said

“Use this -- You won’t look as gay”

Posted by: arrow (816) Report abuse
Time flies when you're having fun.
Measure spiders when you're not.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I was doing the hoovering last night when the World Cup was on

Accidently bumped the telly - 7 players fell over.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
After doing her calculations...…

Diane Abbott has confirmed Germany can still win the World Cup

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Annoy the man at the airport checking desk when he asked

“window or isle”

by replying “window or you’ll what?”

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
It was only after I died

went to Heaven and was greeted by a dog; - that I realised I wasn't dyslexic.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Paddy's wife is involved in a bad car crash.
In the hospital she is just talking gobbledegook

The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compos mentis

Paddy shouts "No she's not !

Just third party fire and theft"

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
Q; What do you call an Englishman holding the World Cup?

A; The engraver.

Posted by: cordyline (4465)   Report abuse
I've started working in PC World

Or London as it used to be called.

 
 
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