Joke

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer -- and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise
your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

its the way ya tell um

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister.
"Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor,
"She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't wee in your face

My American wife told me to get our son ready for his first day at school.

So I bought him a gun.....

What every Prime Minister needs
When visiting cities like Leeds
Is close supervision
To fend off collision
With joggers at dangerous speeds

"You seem a bit depressed today Dave," I said to the barman in our local.
"I suppose I am," he admitted. "I always thought I'd have a career working with people who have special needs."
"It's not too late," I reassured him.
"You think?" He brightened.
"Definitely," I replied. "Wetherspoons in the high street are always advertising for bar staff.

My pal Billy is a violinist.

I thought it was impossible to murder somebody who was already dead, until I heard him play Vivaldi.....

I've overcome dyslexia and qualified as a Funeral Director.

I'll give my competitors an urn for their money.

Cordy, a good chuckle just makes your day

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"

So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

My neighbour's first job was looking after Prince Harry's abseiling equipment.

One could say that he protected His Royal Harness

A Post Office employee in St Helens is retiring after 41 years without using any of her sick days

Friends describe her as "dedicated"

Co-workers remember her as "That cow who kept giving me the flu"

My mate's blonde girlfriend ticks all the boxes.

She's a nightmare come election time..........

Based on statistics, the most common sexual position amongst married couples is Doggy style, This is where the husband sits and begs, whilst the wife rolls over and plays dead.

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. She had the door open for a breeze, and a chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, "Book, book, book!"

The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.

A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, "Book, book, book!"

Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.

It must be a full moon tonight, thought the librarian, getting back to her work. Of course, since everything in jokes comes in threes, the chicken came back. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, "Book, book, book!"

This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. They went across the parking lot, down into a ditch, and through a damp culvert.

Good thing I wore my sensible shoes, she thought.

They emerged into a little moonlit pool. There, the chicken stopped in front of the largest bullfrog the librarian had ever seen. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, "Read it, read it, read it!"

Gerroff.

Excellent, more please

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the
noise and called out:

Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Phil and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.

"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later"


"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it"

"Oh,come on"
Elizabeth insisted.


She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.


"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added "but my wife won't like it"


After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I
know my wife is going to be really upset"


"Don't be silly!"
Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is
she?"






"Under the cart...." I said

cordy

Sorry for being so quiet lately

I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control;

I was up all night swatting.

great laughs ,carry on

On the golfing theme. I was taking a round with a good friend the other day and when we got to the tenth, he tee off first. His ball missed the fairway and plopped in the middle of the lake, “hard cheese” I said,“that's a goner”. He replied “wait” and looked toward the lake. Just them his ball broke the surface of the lake, a wing shot out from each side of it, a rotating red light came out of it's top, and siren started from inside it. It flew over and landed back on my friends tee. Gob smacked I said “that's fantastic! I've never seen anything like it, where can I buy one?” My friend looked at me and said, “no idea mate, I found that one”.

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .......'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers 'The Murphy twins are drunk again'.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?

He's all right, now.

In fact, he's fully recovered.

Cordy

Some crackers there Cordy,dont bother about them who say Ive heard it,if a joke is funny ITS ALWAYS FUNNY.

Roy

A Woman Takes Her Secret Lover Home During The Day While Her Husband Is At Work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, sneaks in and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The Woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball..."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My Dad is outside..."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens agin that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, lets go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1000"
The Dad says, "Thats terrible to over charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the little door..
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now!"

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day, she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" she said.
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's gotta hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope. Only when it's raining."

Nelson at Trafalgar 2011

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir"

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments"

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle"

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead"

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water"

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please"

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir"
Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected"

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy"

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral"

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd"

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled"

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons"

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy"

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks"

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not"

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation"

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report"

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King"

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment"

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir"

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy"

Politician wants to paint Parliament..

He calls for a quotation.. Chinese guy quoted £3 million. European guy quoted £7 million, Indian guy quoted £10 million..

Politician asks chinese guy.."..how did u quote 3 million..?" Chinese guy replied .. "1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit.." asked european guy.. He replied-".. 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit.."

asked Indian guy.. He replied.. .."..4 million for you.. 3 million for me.. .. .. and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and get him to paint it!!"

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic....

......….but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.

Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad" the boy said finally "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."


"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished....

If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

Said to my wife ,"wish you woudnt smoke in bed".

She said "but a lot of women do "

I said "not bacon the dont."





























2

i took my mother in law to Madame Tussaurds ,and one of the attendants said "keep her moving sir ,were doing a stock take ".

My mother in law has come round to our house at christmas seven years running .
This year were having a change ,

Were going to let her in.

When I was little My parents used to dip me in cheap Australian Lager

it wasn't till I was 18 that I realised I was Fostered.

Chap drives onto the forecoat of the petrol station a young girl comes out to fill up his tank, while putting the petrol in she says to the chap, What are those cute little plastic things on the boot floor he says they are tees what golfers use. how do you mean she asked, well the golfer puts his balls on them, wow what will they think of next to put in thease modern cars,

Lol

Went for a job interview at the council.
The interviewer asked me what i was good at .

"Sod all " i said.

"Can you start monday" he said

I was out fishing yesterday when I heard a soft voice saying
"Kiss me, then I will turn into your faithful mistress"

I looked down and saw a little frog " I said "Was that you speaking"?
The little frog said "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into your faithful mistress"

So I picked the little frog up and placed it in an empty bait box.
When I got home, the missus was out, so I opened the bait box and the little frog said
"Are you going to kiss me now so I can turn into your faithful mistress"?

I said
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog"

I'm so proud of myself.

I completed a jigsaw today and it only took me 8 hours.

It says 3-5 years on the box.

How tall was Hitler& where did he live,?

Put your left index finger across your top lip & then give the nazi salute, So he is so tall & lives over there,

I was out jogging earlier,

I'm sure I overtook Chris Rea in his car.

In fairness he has been driving home for Christmas since 1988...

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" my wife asked.

"Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.

It's 363 days till Christmas and the folk next door have their decorations up already.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'

'I' before 'e' except after 'c'

has been disproved by science.

...breaking news from Tokyo -

the Origami bank has folded this morning

Just came home and told my wife about a funny encounter I had this morning -- helping a man in a black robe with a scythe clear the snow off his car.

She seems to think I was de-icing with death.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper

April 11, 1954