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Have a laugh with Coireall

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Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2963
Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Wed Aug 21, 2019 3:53 pm    Post subject: Have a laugh with Coireall Reply with quote

Chin Chin.
Murphy was a man who lived by his wits and his most famous talent was getting free drinks in strange pubs. One night he went into a pub on the other side of town, the barman looked at him and said “What will you have?”
“A small whiskey,” replied Murphy.

He got the whiskey but refused to pay for it, the barman called the boss but Murphy said he had not asked for a drink – as the barman had asked him what he was having.
The boss, realising that he was dealing with a smart-alec and not wishing to have any trouble told the barman to let Murphy away with it, but to see it didn’t happen again.

Some months later, Murphy again visited the same pub. “You’re the fellow who got a drink here one night and wouldn’t pay for it,” said the barman.
“Oh no – it wasn’t me,” replied Murphy.
“Well then,” said the barman, “you must have a double.”
“Thanks very much – I will,” replied Murphy.


The Proposal.
The nervous young man had come to ask the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. When the father heard what the young man had come to see him about, he said “Do you take a drink?”
“Is that an enquiry or an invitation?” he replied.


Something Fishy
Mary’s father’s boss was coming to the house for dinner one evening. When he arrived, her mother was in the kitchen so Mary’s father asked her to hand the boss his drink. The boss took the drink, but Mary stayed standing in front of him staring.
“What’s the matter?” asked the boss. “I’m waiting to see if you do your trick,” said Mary. “What trick?” he asked. “My dad said you drink like a fish,” replied Mary.”


Helping Hand.
The teacher told Johnny that is homework had really improved. “I know sir,” replied Johnny, “my daddy is away on business and I’ve had to do it all myself.”


Johnny was practising his violin in the front room, their dog stood beside the window howling his head off. Johnny’s father stuck his head around the door and shouted,
“For goodness sake, play something that the dog doesn’t know.”


Heaven’s Sake.
Johnny was in a bad mood and was being very naughty, running in and out banging the door. Finally, his mother, exasperated with him, said “Johnny, for heaven’s sake, will you stay in or out, you’re being very naughty! I don’t know how you expect to get into heaven.” “There’ll be no trouble,” said Johnny, “I’ll just keep running in and out through the gate and St Peter will tell me for heaven’s sake, to come in or stay out! And I’ll stay in.”


Head in Hands.
Johnny was all smiles coming out of his piano exam. When his mother asked him how he got on, he said, “I think the examiner is a very religious man.” “Why’s that?” asked his mother. “Well,” replied Johnny, “he kept putting his head in his hands and saying ‘oh my God.”


Hats Off.
A rich, but very cranky lady was the scourge of all the shop assistants in town. One day she went into a store to buy a hat. Nothing seemed to please her and the assistant, after showing her most of the hats in the shop, was becoming less and less enthusiastic – and she made no secret of it. Eventually the customer said, “I’m going to see the manager, I’m sure he has a smarter assistant than you.” “There is one smarter than me,” said the assistant, “but she’s not here at the moment, she saw you coming!”


Sweep Revenge.
O’Toole was fed up with his wife’s insistence on absolute neatness. He wasn’t allowed to smoke indoors, he had to take his shoes off before entering the house; and his fussy wife even made him comb his hair in the garden in case he got dandruff on the carpet. But when he died, he managed to get some revenge. His last will and testament stated that his ashes were to be scattered all over the living room floor.


The Thinker.
Mrs Murphy was talking to Mrs Byrne over the garden fence.
“And what do you think of our son, Pat?” said Mrs Murphy, “he’s after taking up meditating for hours on end.” “Well” said Mrs Byrne, “I suppose it’s better than him sitting around all day doing nothing.”


Bad Egg.
Diner: “Waitress, there’s something wrong with this egg!”
Waitress: “Well don’t blame me, I only laid the table.”
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