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Thank the Irish for laughter.

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Joined: 07 Jul 2009
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Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2018 8:49 pm    Post subject: Thank the Irish for laughter. Reply with quote

Murphy was sitting in Ward's Irish Bar, Piccadilly, London with a Rottweiler at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" asks Farrell.
"No" replies Murphy.
So Farrell pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
"Bit the holy!" screams Farrell, you said your dog didn't bite!"
"That's not my dog', replies Murphy.


O'Leary was waiting at a bus stop with his friend, Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O'Leary says, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's that?" responds his friend.
"Send my lawn away to be cut," replies O'Leary.


"How far is it to the next village?" asked the American tourist.
"It's about seven miles," guessed the farmer.
"But it's only five if you run!"


Mick and Tom joined NASA and are about to be blasted into space having just left the mission briefing when Mick says, "Tom, where are we going again?"
Tom replies, "The man in charge said we are on a mission to the Sun."
"Ok" says Mick, he thinks for a while and then asks, "won't it be a bit hot, it being the Sun and all?"
"Don't worry, Mick," says Tom, the man said we'd be going at night."


The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you, pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
he was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."


Mick from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the programme had already won 500,000.
"You've done extremely well so far," said Jeremy Clarkson, the shows presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure" said Mick, "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't a clue," said Mick, so I'll use my life-line and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called his up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Hell Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure."
"Of course I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Jeremy, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Jeremy.
"It is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in heaven's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because everyone knows he lives in a clock!" replied Paddy.


"What's wrong with Murphy?" asked Father Greene.
"I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and hasn't stirred since". said Mrs Murphy.
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