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Crate and Barrel Jokes

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Joined: 07 Jul 2009
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Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:30 pm    Post subject: Crate and Barrel Jokes Reply with quote

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
"Olive or twist?"

What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?
"A beer please, and one for the road."

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?
They keep falling off the wagon.

When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I've been told I've got A.D.H.D (Alcohol Drinking and Hangover Disorder)

It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?

Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyway.

Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink."
The man replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.... The next day Billy tells his story.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking.
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