Joined: 07 Jul 2009
|Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2014 12:48 pm Post subject: A few Cop Jokes
|A WHO DONE IT?
A workman was killed at a construction site.
The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.
The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
So who did it?
The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.
A priest gets pulled over for speeding.
The police officer sees an empty wine bottle in his car and smells alcohol on his breath. "Father, have you been drinking?" asks the officer.
"Only water, my son." replies the priest.
"Why then do I smell wine?" questions the officer.
The priest, looking at the wine bottle, replies, "Oh my Lord, He's gone and done it again!"
One day a certain lady was driving on the highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies. She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.
"If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked.
Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"
THE GAME WARDEN
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one the fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
Cop Jokes Just For Kids
What did the peanut say when it entered the police station?
I've been a-salted!
. . . .
Why are policeman so strong?
Because they hold up the traffic!
. . . .
Why did the policeman arrest the kittycat?
Because of the kitty litter!
. . . .
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
. . . .
A man went to a policeman.
"I just had my watch pinched from under my nose!" yelled the man.
"That's a stange place to wear it!" chortled the policeman!
. . . .
TEACHER: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny?
JOHNNY: I want to follow in my father's footsteps and be a police man!
TEACHER: I didn't know your father was a policeman!
JOHNNY: He isn't! He's a burglar!
A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.
The driver becomes beligerant telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away".
While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.
Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.
The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, "What the #$@%& do you think you are doing!?! I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30. You wrote 88 in a 30?"
The officer, without hesitating said, "48, 88, whats the difference. Your dad is going to make it go away anyway."
The Motorcycle Cop I Met The Other Day
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's behind.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.