Joined: 07 Jul 2009
|Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 9:14 pm Post subject: Begin 2020 with a laugh
|Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!"
Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!" The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"
Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."
"Was he mad?" asks Billy.
"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy replies: "In the car."
"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
‘Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where you’re ready there’.
‘Oh. You must be Irish’, she replied. The man was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume I’m Irish. If I ordered a bowl of pasta would that make me Italian?!’
‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a newsagents…’
Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.
Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the moon!’
A Garda’s driving down O’Connell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas ******* up against the window of a shop. He parks the car and runs over to them. He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man replies, ‘I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode.’ The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question. He replies, ‘I’m Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!’
Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. ‘What’s the story?’ Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamus’s face. ‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Paddy. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!’
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little *******.”
An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’
"Who told you that?" asked Marty.
An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. There was a traffic cop manning the crossing.
The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, ‘Okay pedestrians’, he said, ‘Let’s go’.
The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, ‘Here! The pedestrians crossed ages ago – when’s it time for the Catholics?!’
Here’s one for you – What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night?
Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.
Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. It was 8 o’clock and the neighbour’s dog was going mental.
‘**** this’, shouted Anto as he ran out of the room.
He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. ‘What are you after doing?’ replied his wife. ‘I’ve put the little ******* in our garden. Let’s see how they like listening to the little *******!’
This one is so bad it’s good… Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick-O-Shea…
What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Gaelic breath.
Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. ‘How do I get to the other side of the river?’, shouted one lad to the other.
‘Sure you’re on the other side’, replied the second.
What do you call a huge Irish spider? A Paddy-long-legs.
A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. When he sat down for the interview, the farmer asked him ‘Have you ever shoed horses?’
The Cork man thought about this for a couple of minutes and replied, ‘No, but I once told a donkey to go away’.
Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. One turns to the other and says, ‘It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?!’
‘It was’, replied the friend. ‘Listen – when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?’.
‘I will’, says the friend. ‘But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?’