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Ireland's Own Christmas Collection

 
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Cyril



Joined: 07 Jul 2009
Posts: 2963
Location: Wigan

PostPosted: Thu Dec 26, 2019 5:48 pm    Post subject: Ireland's Own Christmas Collection Reply with quote

Joe’s Day.

“Boss, can I take tomorrow off?
My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning,” asks Joe.
“Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give you a day off for that!” rumbles the boss.
“Gee thanks a lot, boss.” Joe smiles relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”

Cold Turkey.

On the morning of Christmas Eve a lady rummages through the last remaining turkeys in the supermarket freezer. “Do they get any bigger by any chance?” she asks the shop assistant with a sigh.
He looks at her for a while and says, “No madam, they are quite dead.”


Quite Mad.

Two less than wise men roam the forest looking for a nice Christmas tree, after hours of walking in the freezing cold and chasing away the odd wolf, one of them brings down the axe and says, “okay, that’s it, I’m taking the next right sized tree we see and I don’t give a hoot if it’s decorated or not!”


Lisa Thanks Her Grandpa.

“Thank you, Grandpa, for the violin you gave me last Christmas, I’ve never got such a brilliant gift!”
“Really?” asks surprised the Grandpa.
Lisa says, “Oh yeah – every time I start playing, mom gives me two euro so I would stop!”


No Deals.

A father took his son Billy to Penney’s store to see Santa. They stood in line for a while and finally the boy was able to meet Santa and sit on his lap.
“What would you like for Christmas Billy?” asked Santa.
“An X-Box and a Hobbit game,” said Billy.
“Okay, we’ll see what we can do about that,” said Santa with a big smile.

Later on, they also went to see Santa at the Dunnes’ store. When Santa asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas, Billy said, “An X-Box and a Hobbit game.”
“Will you be a good boy and do what your daddy tells you?” Santa asked.
Billy turned to his dad and said, “Lets go back to the other Santa, Dad.”
“Why Billy?” asked his dad.
“Because I don’t have to make any deals with that one.”


A Bundle of Joy.

When a father asked his son what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied, “A baby sister.”
As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas day she brought home a brand-new baby sister for their son.
The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy said,
“If it wouldn’t make mommy too uncomfortable, I’d like a pony.”


Olive.

One Christmas, a mother asked her young daughter if she could name two of Santa’s reindeer.
“Rudolph and Olive,” replied the young girl confidently.
“Rudolph and Olive?” said the mother, quizzically, “Are you sure?”
“Yes mammy, Rudolph and Olive. Like in the song.”
“The song?” asked the mother. “What song?”
The girl sang, “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. Olive the other reindeer…”


Really?

One Christmas, a man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four- wheel drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”


Definition.

How do we know that Santa is a man?
No woman with an ounce of dignity would wear the same outfit for so many years running!


Time to Relent.

“This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will have come over for Christmas.” Says a man to his friend. “I think this year we should let them in.”


Mistaken Heli-Pad.

Another helicopter tried to land in our garden today, I think we’re going to have to reduce our Christmas lights a bit.


Disbelief.

Mum to little boy. “There’ll be no Christmas anymore, I told Santa that you have been good all year.
He died of laughter.”


Two Trains.

Billy asks Joe “Why would you want two train sets for Christmas?!”
Joe replies, “Because I still want to play when my dad is home!”


Market.

“I took my husband to the Christmas market yesterday,” Mick’s wife said to Mary.
“And, did anyone want to buy him,” Mary asked.



Riddles.

What do snowmen do in their spare time?
They’re just chilling.


What does a bald man say when you give him a comb for Christmas?
Oh thanks…I shall never part with it.


Which type of donuts does Santa prefer?
The one with the ho-ho-hole.
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