Joined: 07 Jul 2009
|Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 9:43 pm Post subject: Enjoy with a glass or three of Paddy
|Ratty or Batty
She came dashing into the shop in a great hurry. "Get me a rat trap as fast as you can, I have to catch a bus."
"Here it is madam - but you'll never catch it with this."
There's an old Belfast joke about a new policeman who found a dead horse in Chichester Street, Belfast. "How do you spell Chichester?" he asked the people around him, but nobody knew.
"Alright then," he replied, "now give me a hand to pull the animal into Mary Street."
Mrs Kelly was puzzled. "Why," she asked her friend Mrs O'Byrne, "are the O'Shea's learning French?" "Don't you know?" asked Mrs O'Byrne in amazement. "They've adopted a French baby girl and they want to be able to understand her when she starts talking."
The doctor decided to put Mrs Kelly on a diet as she was overweight.
"You can have three lettuce leaves," he said, "one piece of dry toast, a glass of orange juice and a tomato." "Very well, doctor," she replied meekly, "and do I take them before or after meals."
Boy to father, "dad, can you change this 10p for me please?"
"Of course" said his father. The boy replied, "Good, then change it to 50p."
Love or Money
Bill, "I'm 73 years old, I've got a million in the bank and I'm in love with a beautiful young brunette. Do you think she'd marry me if I told her I was only 50." Bob, "You'd have more of a chance if you told her you were 90."
Teacher, "How would you divide nine apples between twelve boys?"
Pupil, "I would stew them sir."
A Furry Answer
A woman was left an expensive fur coat by a relative, and proudly wore it to church. After the service one of the congregation asked her, "And what unfortunate animal had to die for you to wear that coat?"
"My aunt," she replied.
Ben, "Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a lion?"
Bill, "No, what happened?"
Ben, "Well there I was without a gun, the lion growled menacingly, and crept closer and closer...?"
Bill, " And what did you do?"
Ben, "I moved to the next cage."
Maguire, " Why were all your chickens in the front garden yesterday."
McCafferty, "They heard that the council were laying a pavement and they wanted to see how it was done."
two men were staggering home one night. One looked up to the sky and said, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
"I don't know," the other replied. "I don't live around here either."