Joined: 07 Jul 2009
|Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:01 pm Post subject: Irish Cream
A Cheap Trick.
On Christmas Eve Mick thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always careful of money he thought long and hard about what that present might be. Unable to decide, Mick entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he said to the girl, "I'd like to buy some perfume for me wife?"
She showed him a bottle costing £75. "Too expensive," muttered Mick. The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. 'Oh be gob,' Mick groused, "still far too much."
Growing rather annoyed at Mick's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £20 bottle and offered it to him. Mick became really agitated, "What I mean" he whined, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
No Laughing Matter.
It was the office Christmas party and the boss stood up to tell a joke. Everyone laughed except Murphy. The boss said to him, "What's the matter don't you have a sense of humour?" "I don't have to laugh," Murphy replied, "because I'm leaving on Friday."
Wine and the Divine
Father Doyle was driving down to Limerick on Christmas Eve when he got stopped for speeding in Athlone. The garda smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. he said, "Father, have you been drinking?"
"Only water," replied father Doyle. The garda asked, "then how come I can smell wine?" The pries looked at the bottle and said "Good Lord! He's done it again."
Spit it out ,son.
Little Johnny was asked to say thanks for the Christmas meal. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Little Johnny began his prayer, thanking God for his mammy, daddy, brothers, sister, granny and all his aunts and uncles.
Then he began to thank God for the food. he gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce and the Christmas pudding. The Little Johnny paused, and everyone waited...and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mammy and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't He know that I'm Lying?"
A man approaches a beautiful young lady at a dull Christmas party and said, "Would you talk to me for a few minutes? I want to go home and watch a football match on the telly and if my wife sees me talking to you she'll say, it's time to go."
TV Quiz Show.
The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name two of Santa's reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, "Rudolph and Olive!" The host asked the contestant, "We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?" The man looked at the host and said, "You know, 'Olive,' the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."
The Christmas Tree.
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
The Gallagher Twins
The Gallagher family had twin boys; Paddy and Michael whose only resemblance to each other were their looks. Opposite in every way, Paddy was an eternal optimist, Michael a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day Mr Gallagher loaded Michael the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. Paddy the optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by Michael's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying?” Mr Gallagher asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered Michael.
Passing Paddy’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. To which Paddy replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Father O’Malley has a Christmas holiday with his brother who is a priest at St. Anne's in Alpine west Texas, it was a fine morning so he walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of the front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O’Malley and I'm staying with my brother the priest at St. Ann’s Catholic Church and he's away on parish duties. There’s a jackass lying dead on the front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple of’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognising the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment…
Father O’Malley then replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”