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Christmas Craic

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:39 pm    Post subject: Christmas Craic Reply with quote

A Solicitor died and went to the gates of Heaven where he was seen by St Peter to see if he would be allowed into Heaven or sent down to Hell.

"I don't know why I died so young," said the Solicitor. "It doesn't seem fair. I'm only 35."

"I know," said St Peter, "but according to the time you've billed your clients for, you're at least 208."


The baby had been Christened Homer. When making an entry into the Baptismal Register the Priest was surprised.

He turned to the father and asked. "Is Homer your favourite Greek poet?"

"No, not at all, Father, I keep pigeons."


A newspaper reporter was talking to a retiring boxing champion: "and what would you like written on your tombstone," he asked.

The boxing champion replied: "You can count for as long as you like. I'm not getting up."


Doctor Watson was visiting his good friend Sherlock Holmes.

"Good morning, Watson," he said, "isn't it a bit warm to be wearing your red flannel underwear.?"

"Amazing Holmes," said Dr Watson, "how on earth could you detect that I'm wearing red flannel underwear?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson," said Holmes, " you see, you've forgotten to put your trousers on!"


Mrs O'Conner said. "Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy new clothes."

Mrs Keenan replied. "Oh so that's where you get them."


Teacher: "I hope this class understands the importance of the word punctuation."

Pupil replying: "Of course, Miss, I always arrive at school on time."


"What's on TV tonight son?"

"The same as always, Dad - a vase of flowers and a photo of grandma."


Bob: "Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?"

Fred: "Yes, the Bible tells how Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."


Two young men were in court on a charge of fighting, one of them was accused of biting the others ear off. A witness had been called.

"Did you actually see this man bite off the other man's ear?" asked one of the lawyers.

"No, not exactly," said the witness.

"Ah!" said the lawyer. "Then how can you be so sure he did?"

The witness replied: Because I saw him spit it out!"


When gas was introduced, an old Co. Tyrone woman told her friend what an improvement it was over the coal range.

"You see, I lit it two weeks ago and it hasn't gone out yet."


O'Toole hammering on the door: "Is it dead or alive you are in there?"

O'Shea: "It's neither I am, but sleepin."


Doreen: "What's the secret of eternal youth?"

Doris: "Lie about your age!"


"How can you tell your twin boys apart, Mrs Quinn?" asked a neighbour.

"Oh, it's not too difficult. If I put my finger in wee Sean's mouth and he bites me, I know it's wee Pat."


Paddy's good old friend Mick bought him a book called "How to be the Boss in Your Own Home" for Christmas, but his wife wouldn't let him read it.


It was Christmas and O'Toole was in hospital. The nurse said to him, "I bet your wife misses you lots."

O'Toole replied: "No, she's got an excellent aim, that's why I'm in here."


How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.


Patient: "Doctor I'm afraid of Father Christmas."

Doctor: "Don't worry, it's a common trait, your suffering from Claustrophobia."


A lady was doing her Christmas shopping and went into a shoe shop.

"Do you sell crocodile shoes?" she asked.

To which the assistant replied, "And what size of shoes does your crocodile require madam?"


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