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Humour?

Started by: Mac (inactive)

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm.....

Started: 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:02

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My viagra didn't get delievered in the post this morning.

I was angry, but no hard feelings.

Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:14

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I heard about a Robbery earlier, some blokes burst into a shop and attacked the staff with stringed instruments before fleeing with money from the tills.

The men were later caught and have been charged with robbery with violins.

Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:15

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A friend of mine suddenly announced she had been taking Judo lessons.

Totally threw me.

Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:15

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

A man goes to the doctors. "I think I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex" he says.

"Hmm," says the Doc, "stand up and open wide"

The man opens his mouth as wide as he can.

"Good, good. Now touch your toes, please" says the Doc

"Are you taking the mickey?" says the man. "With these arms?"

Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:29

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I finished filling up the car with petrol and went to the til, "That's £60 please, how will you be paying for that?"

I replied, "Well I've sold a couple of things."

Replied: 3rd Mar 2013 at 08:29

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

First bloke.........my wife's an angel
Second bloke.......you're lucky, mine's still alive......

Replied: 4th Mar 2013 at 08:14

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 4th Mar 2013 at 08:33

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Two cannibals were eating a clown....
One sat's to the other......
"Does this taste funny to you?

Replied: 4th Mar 2013 at 10:28

Posted by: Pam (454) 

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey but I turned myself around - and that's what its all about.

Replied: 4th Mar 2013 at 10:29

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Pam.......

Replied: 4th Mar 2013 at 10:31

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I went out with a woman who's a dentist last night.

She said she had a great time and would like to see me again in about six months.

Replied: 5th Mar 2013 at 09:05

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having to have his trousers specialy made for him.
He's had to say goodbye normal jeans...

Replied: 5th Mar 2013 at 09:11

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Signs around the world.......

Bangkok dry cleaners sign.....
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

In a Tokyo bar......
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

Hotel Japan
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Acapulco
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER
SERVED HERE

Replied: 5th Mar 2013 at 10:16

Posted by: piccyme123 (1395)

I love to enjoy a good chukkkkkle, and if you can share some humour or a smile with someone then the days has been worth it - ta for making my day worth it

Replied: 5th Mar 2013 at 14:38

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812) 

Took 3 hours to bury the guy who wrote the Hokey Cokey.
They couldn't get his left leg in.

Replied: 6th Mar 2013 at 16:45

Posted by: builderboy (2350)

Same problem when Bob Marley died - his coffin kept jamming

Replied: 6th Mar 2013 at 16:50

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I think raw sewage is disgusting.

I always grill mine.




Replied: 7th Mar 2013 at 08:19

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

Replied: 7th Mar 2013 at 08:20

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box)......

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN........

On a Korean kitchen knife....

WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN......

On Sainsbury's peanuts

WARNING-CONTAINS NUTS.


Replied: 7th Mar 2013 at 08:35

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

Replied: 8th Mar 2013 at 08:37

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

An 'art movie' star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.


This won't be staying long I fear.

Replied: 8th Mar 2013 at 08:50

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Awwwww Mac........

Replied: 8th Mar 2013 at 09:45

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I decided to show the kids on my estate how to make a burger from scratch.

They burst into tears and refused to eat.

I don't know what the fuss is about, it was a stupid name for a cat

Replied: 10th Mar 2013 at 21:32

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 11th Mar 2013 at 10:38

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I love my butcher. He was very comforting when I found out I'd lost my colouring-in book.

He gave me a shoulder to crayon.

Replied: 12th Mar 2013 at 08:54

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

Replied: 13th Mar 2013 at 21:12

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 


La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la............

Replied: 13th Mar 2013 at 21:51

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

lol


Today is steak and blow J** day....Honest, it is!...
The Mrs always gets mine mixed up. I get the steaks well done and the .....

Replied: 14th Mar 2013 at 09:41

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Replied: 14th Mar 2013 at 09:55

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SH*T" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre.
and Claude was never invited to entertain again!







Replied: 14th Mar 2013 at 14:08

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Are you having that (Again) walshy???

Replied: 14th Mar 2013 at 14:17

Posted by: ayrefield (4465)

Funny Seagulls.

An Essex girl and a Lancashire were walking along the beach.
The Lancashire girl says "Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!" The Essex girl looks up in the sky and says, "Where?"


An Essex girl, a Lancashire girl and a Cumbrian girl were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the Essex girl.

The Lancashire girl says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

After she leaves the Essex girl begins to laugh.

The Cumbrian girl says, "What's so funny?"

The Essex girl says, "Well, us Essex girls are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

What do you call a man with seagulls on his head ?
Cliff !

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar . . .
. . . and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..."

Replied: 14th Mar 2013 at 14:34

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 14th Mar 2013 at 17:54

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My friends have entered me in an Innuendo Contest.

Replied: 20th Mar 2013 at 07:56

Posted by: kenee (2111)


I do all I can to fight poverty,
last week I punched a tramp.

Replied: 20th Mar 2013 at 19:28

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 20th Mar 2013 at 21:36

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812) 

that's terrible kenee...

I was walking out of the chippy the other day with me pudding chips peas and gravy with a sausuge on top and the same tramp comes up and tells me he hasn't eaten for two days.
I said, 'I wish I had your willpower.''

Replied: 21st Mar 2013 at 13:12

Posted by: pisolivadi (1812) 

What about poor Glen Campbell....
Diagnosed with Alzeimer's and says he's getting cards and letters from people he doesn't even know.

Replied: 21st Mar 2013 at 13:14

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 21st Mar 2013 at 14:10

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Kissing the back of someone's neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it's a stranger in a queue in Asda, apparently!

Replied: 28th Mar 2013 at 08:55

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Yep.....ya get a smack in the kisser........

Replied: 28th Mar 2013 at 09:00

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 28th Mar 2013 at 11:06

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 25th Apr 2013 at 08:14

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 25th Apr 2013 at 10:43

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

How come abbreviation is such a long word ?.

Why is there an 's' in lisp ?.

Replied: 28th Apr 2013 at 13:44

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ?.
He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

Bloke goes to the doctors and says "I am a masochistic necrophiliac with bestial tendencies, can you treat me".
The doctor "sorry, I think I'd be flogging a dead horse".

Replied: 28th Apr 2013 at 14:16

Posted by: Mac (inactive)



In the paper today - 'Bieber back with Gomez'

Morticia must be devastated.

Replied: 28th Apr 2013 at 20:46

Posted by: dustaf (inactive)

On the naughty joke site more like.

Replied: 28th Apr 2013 at 20:57

Posted by: taylork54 (247)

What about the chap that suffered from Pessimistic Paranoia who thought there weren't enough people out to get him!

Replied: 29th Apr 2013 at 04:22

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

BEWARE THE CAMEL SPITS.......
........and he was.......

Replied: 29th Apr 2013 at 06:41

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

lol

Replied: 29th Apr 2013 at 08:20

Posted by: dustaf (inactive)

Pessimistic Paranoia

Replied: 29th Apr 2013 at 16:25

Posted by: hieronymous (1755)

Two birds sat on a perch and one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Replied: 30th Apr 2013 at 21:39

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Peter Kay, the tour that didn't tour.'

Or, as I call it: 'The comedian who ran out of gags.'

Replied: 30th Apr 2013 at 22:10

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

My Granddad was telling me before processed meat he'd often eat liver, kidneys, heart and even tongue.

That stopped after he was sacked as a pathologist.

Replied: 30th Apr 2013 at 22:11

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

I was given the task of throwing rocks at seabirds and told to do a thorough job of it.
I was to leave no tern unstoned.

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 13:12

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

AAAAAAAAARGH!...I read that.
MY EYES, MY EYES!

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 13:18

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Have a read of some of These. Ray.

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 13:19

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Mac - Thanks for that.
That was an epic.
Must have taken me 40 minutes to read. some good 'uns though.

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 18:19

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 19:24

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.

I'm not falling for it, I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 19:28

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Mac I love wordplay like that - brill.

Has anybody ever done any "Wigan Girl" jokes in the past ? - you know as in "Essex Girl" but fron up't north.

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 21:16

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Post em and put your hard hat on.

Replied: 1st May 2013 at 21:54

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Q How can you tell when a Wigan Girl has reached her orgasm?.
A She drops her pie.

Q What does a Wigan Girl use for protection during sex ?.
A A bus shelter.

Q What does a Wigan Girl say after sex ?.
A Do you all play for the same team ?.

What's the difference between a Wigan Girl and a walrus.
One has a moustache and smells of fish..................
and the other lives in the sea.

hopefully.

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 00:27

Posted by: Mac (inactive)



Wigan girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper?
"Get out of my bed right now, and you can take all your bl**dy mates with you too!"


(Well, he started it!)

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 09:42

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Pulled a gypsy bird last night , she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, she wasn't kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 12:55

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Brill - tee hee Mac.

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 13:35

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

A man phones the NHS emergency telephone line :-

MAN - Is that NHS Direct ?.
NURSE - Yes.
MAN - I'm just preparing some food in the kitchen and I've
cut myself badly with a knife.
NURSE - Where are you bleeding from.
MAN - Higher Ince.

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 15:25

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Hahaha

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 15:55

Posted by: dostaf (inactive)

Replied: 2nd May 2013 at 17:34

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 3rd May 2013 at 08:32

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

There's a Wigan & an Incer sat together on the 590 bus.
The Wiganer has an unusually bulging brown paper bag on his knee.
Incer - Whay have you got there ?.
Wiganer - Duck.
Incer - Duck is my favourite meat. If I can guess how many ducks you've got can I have one ?.
Wiganer - If you can guess how many ducks I've got you can have them both.
Incer - Six ?.

Replied: 3rd May 2013 at 12:57

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Me and my Hubby thought that was really funny Ray...well done....

Replied: 3rd May 2013 at 13:18

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Cheers Lizzie.
Two lions walking up Standishgate in Wiggin.
One turns to the other & says "it's quiet here for a saturday afternoon".

Replied: 4th May 2013 at 13:13
Last edited by raymyjamie: 4th May 2013 at 14:03:24

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Why can sick owls not flirt with each other.
Because they're too weak to woo.

I'll get mi coat.

Replied: 4th May 2013 at 13:59
Last edited by raymyjamie: 4th May 2013 at 14:09:32

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

HAHAHA

Replied: 4th May 2013 at 14:34

Posted by: --oy-- (1004)

Replied: 8th May 2013 at 22:15

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

........

Replied: 8th May 2013 at 22:19

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Brill

Replied: 9th May 2013 at 18:54

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

HAHAHA!

Replied: 9th May 2013 at 19:10

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

I went to the butchers today and bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "no the steaks are too high."

Replied: 9th May 2013 at 19:59
Last edited by raymyjamie: 9th May 2013 at 20:01:18

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Two eskimoes were out fishing in their boat and it got chilly so they lit a fire and the boat sank. This proves you can't have your kayak and heat it !!!.

I'll get mi coat again.

Replied: 9th May 2013 at 20:05

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Hope it's waterproof!

Replied: 9th May 2013 at 22:11

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.

We took the A4.

Replied: 9th May 2013 at 22:12
Last edited by Mac: 9th May 2013 at 22:12:29

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Replied: 10th May 2013 at 04:56

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

You fellas crack me up!!!

Replied: 10th May 2013 at 07:28

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

Definition.
DEATH - nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Replied: 10th May 2013 at 21:32

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 10th May 2013 at 21:36

Posted by: --oy-- (1004)

Replied: 10th May 2013 at 22:44

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

.......

Replied: 10th May 2013 at 23:16

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Is that for real ?
Tee hee

Replied: 11th May 2013 at 09:43

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 11th May 2013 at 10:01

Posted by: --oy-- (1004)

Hehehehe

Replied: 11th May 2013 at 22:19

Posted by: dustaf (inactive)



I think someone once did the 'ventriloquist and the farmer' one on here.

Replied: 11th May 2013 at 22:26

Posted by: Mac (inactive)


My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Replied: 13th May 2013 at 09:42

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Tee hee

Replied: 13th May 2013 at 10:28

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

My first job when I left school was working in Mortons grocers in Ince Green Lane. I got sacked after 2 weeks for trying to put my fingers in the bacon slicer.
She got sacked too !!!!!!!

Replied: 14th May 2013 at 13:24

Posted by: Mac (inactive)




Dostaf will weep openly upon reading that.

Replied: 14th May 2013 at 13:34

Posted by: dustaf (inactive)



Ther have been many mentions of bacon slicers.

Replied: 14th May 2013 at 14:23

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Dustaf
Sorry, new to all this. You guys will have been doin' jokes for ages.

Replied: 14th May 2013 at 16:45

Posted by: dustaf (inactive)

No need for sorry, Ray.

No need to bother about repeating stuff either.

I keep telling folk: that's why we have bookshelves and DVD box sets.

There's nothing wrong with repeats.

Though some of us pull Cindy's leg for his ability to produce more repeats than BBC2.

Replied: 14th May 2013 at 17:42

Posted by: mache (inactive)

Really?

Replied: 14th May 2013 at 17:44

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

You are a whole lot of bad boys.....

Replied: 15th May 2013 at 11:02

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Replied: 19th May 2013 at 22:13

Posted by: Mac (inactive)




In the pub last eve, a woman accused me of only being after one thing.. I said "I assure you I'm not, I'm hoping to get my ironing done too"....

Replied: 20th May 2013 at 07:21

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Luv dat

Replied: 20th May 2013 at 17:39

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

ROTFPML............

Replied: 20th May 2013 at 20:52

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

On a recent trip to Yorkshire I went into a local Ann summers.

While in there I decided to buy the Mrs an erotic novel.

I hope she enjoys 50 shades of greyhound.

Replied: 20th May 2013 at 20:56

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

The cannibal living next door to me caught and killed a clairvoyant.

He only put her in the oven for half an hour though, apparently he likes his medium rare.

Replied: 21st May 2013 at 08:30

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Ha ha

Replied: 21st May 2013 at 09:38

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

.......Latest news:-
A psychic dwarf has just escaped from Hindley Prison. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

Replied: 21st May 2013 at 13:07

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 21st May 2013 at 13:15

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma.

I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

Replied: 22nd May 2013 at 07:52

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

Replied: 22nd May 2013 at 16:05

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Doctor can you help me please my husband's just been rushed here into this hospital with violent spasms in his buttocks, do you know where he is?.
ICU baby shakin' that ass.

Replied: 22nd May 2013 at 16:26

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,

"He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Replied: 24th May 2013 at 22:59

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

An oldie but a goodie......thanks I-spy for reminding me.

Replied: 24th May 2013 at 23:45

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Good 'un i-spy.

Replied: 25th May 2013 at 11:06

Posted by: i-spy (15239) 

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

Replied: 25th May 2013 at 22:14

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Ha ha

Replied: 25th May 2013 at 22:31

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 25th May 2013 at 23:20

Posted by: BLACKRODWEAVER (628) 

Two Nun's in a Bath one said where's the soap
other said Yes doesn't it

Replied: 26th May 2013 at 20:31

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 31st May 2013 at 07:52

Posted by: MarieM (5563)

blackrod Can you just explain that to us plebs.

Replied: 31st May 2013 at 20:29

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

try different spellings of Where's, Marie.

Replied: 2nd Jun 2013 at 22:14

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

Replied: 3rd Jun 2013 at 07:54

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

Replied: 7th Jun 2013 at 08:32

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

Replied: 7th Jun 2013 at 08:36

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Mac brill
.................or the suspenders are killing me !!!
but then again.....that's my choice of leisurewear

Replied: 12th Jun 2013 at 12:59

Posted by: Mac (inactive)

Replied: 12th Jun 2013 at 13:03

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those w*nkers at Jewsons deliver the f*****g bricks on time.'

Replied: 23rd Jun 2013 at 18:29

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 



You give me a lot of laughs Ray.......

Replied: 23rd Jun 2013 at 21:51

Posted by: raymyjamie (6857)

Sorry about the swearin' Lizzie

Replied: 23rd Jun 2013 at 21:53

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

I am married to a brickie Ray......I know the language is very colourful...........your joke will go down very well when he gets home tonight.....

Replied: 23rd Jun 2013 at 22:07
Last edited by lizziedownunder: 23rd Jun 2013 at 22:09:12

Posted by: lizziedownunder (7434) 

.....from my hubby Ray.......

Replied: 24th Jun 2013 at 11:10

 

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