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Why is it that this message board appears to...
Started by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
be the least popular???
And why did day tripping Wiganers get to Blackpool on a saloon or a chara - but never a coach.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

question and answer in one i-spy,
not bad going.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

or that rehab is for quitters!!

and if you hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
A PENNY FOR SOME PEOPLES THOUGHTS IS STILL A FAIR PRICE.

i think am crackin up.


kinky is using a feather-perverted is using the whole chicken.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
elmos. you are cracking up. but dont worry, it happened to me long ago on a chara to Blackpool

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
glad to know am not alone i-spy,cracking up is a serious

bussiness i don't think i go back as far as the chara's.

the best way i have found to forget your troubles is to

wear tight shoes or if you can't beat them av um beaten



Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
when are they taking you away elmos. and let me know visiting times etc

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

any day now i-spy, but i expect you to be in the next bed.

what do a clitoris,an anniversary and a toilet have in common-
men always miss them

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I saw a black rabbit in the fields when I was walking the dog today. Is that supposed to be lucky. Or am I due a trip to specsavers.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


Their coming to take you away ah ah.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

we'll save a bed for you scoop.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
hope he doesn't snore

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
we could have a mixed ward just to drum up a bit more support for this poorly supported message board.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

a sound idea i-spy,but i seem to have the same effect
on women.i tried to enroll in a all girls school once,
they turned me down said mt curly locks would put the
poor dears off their stroke.Perhaps we could start a
womens lib for the poor dears but from a mans perspective,
i know its been tried before but they made a b**lsof it.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

thanks elmos

i-spy
i dont snore, but i do tend to move a lot in bed.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
scoop - is this you

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He’s in deep thought, just staring at the wall.



She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers 'Why are you down here at this time of night ?'

He says, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 15. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

He continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...
'I would have been released today'.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


i-spy
nay i married mine for love and i was 25.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse
I-SPY & ELMOS

You're too late, it's official, mixed wards have been done away with.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse

i-spy:
'why did day tripping Wiganers get to Blackpool on a saloon or a chara - but never a coach.'

When I was a kid they were always 'saloons'.
A coach was something pulled by horses.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

well if they have done away with mixed wards i'm
not going,you can take a horse to water but you
can't make him pull a chara,

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Pull a charra?! There's no way, not if it's the same horse who won't drink.
Which, unfortunately, leads to no horse spittle, let alone mixed wards.

But so long as we can still mix words here, I'll join in.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse

People who live in glass houses should lower their blinds is one of my particular mixed up favourites.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

jo anne getting a bit clever about the horses i-spy,

i think she's to smart for this thread. i'll test her,

if your so clever why is phonetic not spelt the way

it sounds.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
hpoe taht hleps.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

thats good i-spy,av often wondered how you understand

my posts.** but have you ever wondered what the speed
lightning would be if it didn't zig zag.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
zip zip probably

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
A test, Elmos. I don't like the sound of that.

But, I can attest that lightning bolts and a horse may, too.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

that answer is to clever, we can't have clever answers
on here!! sorry you failed, remember a beer in the hand
is worth two in the fridge,

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse


I don't drink beer, Elmos and I won't hop it.
Remember, if a horse drinks beer, it leads to horse hops spittle.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

jo anne i made a mistake failing you because your
posts are making as much sense as mine lately,
this must be a worry for you!!abbreviation,this
word should be a bit shorter.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Thanks, Elmos. Now I feel smiles better.

(Abbreviation is not a particularly tall word, Elmos, no taller than A, in fact, but it has a viation in it, which gives rise to it seeming taller.

You're right - I am worrying.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
are tall stories an affront to small people

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
No, not at all, I-spy.

Anyone can be taken aback by tall stories, though.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
you are the font of all knowledge jo anne.
do you subscribe to my view that banana skins get a bad press.
I dont know anybody who has ever slipped on one.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
A bad press, I-spy?

I think Comic Books have more of a Beano with banana skins than the Newspapers do. I don't subscribe to either.

Cartoonists would draw our attention to the brightness, rightness and ripeness of yellow banana skins. They are much more appeeling than other things a character might slip in, when slapstick humour is afoot.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i'v never seen a toad on a toadstool!!
what would you plant to get a seedless
watermellon?.you should be answering the
important questions.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
The important questions?

'A race to become cybermen - is that driving too hard a bargain?'

Do you think, by being here, we've virtually answered it?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

why does a woman answer a question with a question,
we are already on the cyber trail with implants!!
i hope a woman gets my brain,just to get my own back.
just remember clones are people two.

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
"why does a woman answer a question with a question"

because they are all budding politions

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Yes, Mache - women are budding Politions - too polite not to seem interested in what bloomin' other people think.

Sorry, Mache.

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
oh-er! thought you were away

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
No, I'm back, Mache.

Clones are people two.

Do clones have identical identity crises, Elmos?

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
Clones can be people two,three,four or very many

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
If a clone is a number version, will this lessen the risk of identity crises?

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
No, I'm back, Mache.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
No, I'm back, Mache.

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
do you hear voices too

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
It's the drone of the clones, Mache.

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
aye 6 of 11

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
this thread used to make more sense when we were
talking rubbish,-what was the best thing before
sliced bread?.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I don't know, Elmos.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

(Not knowing is driving me barmy.)

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
that's what you call food for thought Elmos
and while on the subject of grub is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
food for thought

You're right there, I-spy.

I looked online to find plenty of barmy ideas. People seem to to baking it up as they go along.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

the best thing before sliced bread jo anne

was ladies that answered questians.

yes i-spy that is true about cannibals,i also know

what the act of complete faith between two male cannibals

is but i better not say.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
ladies that answered questians

Is a better batch of questions kneaded for that to arise?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

if you answered my questions i wudn't understand the answers,

i have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me

paranoid.


Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
It is fair enough to be critical of cryptical comments, Elmos.

I won't nag you, so no need to be fearful.

And no need for paranoia on WW - you can trust us.


Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i wudn't know a crypticl comment if i fell over it,

my old pa told me never trust a lady who said she don't nag.

no wonder am paranoid,i used to be a schizophenic,

but we're ok now.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
my old pa told me never trust a lady who said she don't nag.

Well, it's okay, then, Elmos.

I didn't say 'I don't nag', but 'I won't nag', so you can still trust me.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


bl--dy heck i must be mad, ive read all this thread, and i thought i understood some of it.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
glad they've let you out scoop. the treatment must have worked if you can understand what's going on here.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
i scoop you been taking the tablets then,

save some for jo anne she says i can trust

her and she won't nag!!thats not natural for

a woman,it must be a cry for help.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Thank you, but I don't want to take medication.
I don't mind trying meditation, though.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

meditation is worth thinking about jo anne,

anything that helps!!before drawing boards

were invented what did we go back to.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I don't know, Elmos, what did we go back to before drawing boards were invented?

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


slate and chalk

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
slate and chalk scoop good answer was on the tip of my tongue,

jo anne you will have to start standing on your own

two feet we can't keep answering your difficult questions.

I would say we could go back to basics and if you ask me where

that is i will just cry.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I wouldn't want to make anyone cry, Elmos, so I shall retire gracefully, just in case.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I couldnt find the drawing board and when I decided to get back to basics everybody said Id be better off going back to square one.
So I decided to stay put.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

square 1 is a good place to start.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

your right scoop, square 1 is the place to start
i realised this morning i'd never left sqare 1.

i'm reading a book about failures,if it dosn't
sell does that mean it's a success.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


only if you read it.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
now we are back on track and asking the important questions again Id like to know why sheep dont shrink in the rain.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i think you got this wrong i-spy,i know it's a matter

of opinion but it always seems a tight fit to me.

your just trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

Posted by: lilyun (61) Report abuse
Help how do i change my log in name please I m knew to this and all my mates know who i am thankyou to anyone.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

click on your own name lilun,on the top left
you will see "amend my details". wellcome

Posted by: (inactive) Report abuse
Lilyun, you can delete your real name, as Elmos says, but you can't change your Username yourself.

I'm not sure if Brian can do this for you or not. Click on Contact Us at the bottom of this page if you'd like to send him a message.

Or, I think, you can simply re-register with a new Username.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Sorry, the above was posted by me, incognito.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you are not banned jo anne, just watch your step.

the above is the first answer we've had from you!!



Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
is a fly without wings a walk

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
my grandson tells me they are still flies.It just means theyre grounded.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

your grandsons answer is better than mine,
i was thinking "a walk".

times fun when your having flies.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
does tomorrow ever come

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i'll have to think about this i-spy

will tell you to-morrow

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

well its not come yet i spy will keep looking for it,

i think its just superstition!!!

and its bad luck to be superstitious.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
i'll be keeping fingers crossed

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Good luck, Elmos.

Remember, tomorrow is another day.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

trust jo anne to confuse things,but jo anne may have stumbled onto something as women do.
i spy asks the question about tomorrow ever coming,
jo anne says its another day so that narrows it down a bit,
i would have cracked this if i hadn't had that last pint.
but jo anne has got us closer,i knew she would be of some use
given time

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
the tomorrow puzzle is bad enough but when's the day after tomorrow.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Don't , I-spy.

We'll be on a winning streak soon enough:

Today, succeeded yesterday. Tomorrow, succeeds today. The day after tomorrow, succeeds tomorrow.

Are you following me so far?

Although time waits for no man, woman, or even child, all is not lost.

We just have to have the presence of mind to take won day at a time. Then we can win the day, too.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I should never have stopped taking the medication.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Sorry, I-spy. I think I ought to stop my meditating.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

so if i've read that right,according to jo anne

we succeeded,am going for a lie down now.

av heard that meditation is better than just

sitting around.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
the day before yesterday I ordered a fridge and they said it would be delivered the day after tomorrow. Is that today

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
not turned up yet. must be tomorrow whenever that is.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
your first mistake i-spy was ordering a fridge,
you should have ordered a calender!!i will send
you my psychiatrist as soon has he as sorted out
the goldfish.the fish is doing well he's got it
walking in a straight line now,you will notice the
psychiatrist is male i had a lady but never again
all she could do is ask questions.hope your fridge
is not out of date before you get it.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
its arrived and the deliverymen said the reason it didnt come the day after tomorrow was that the van broke down.
In the words of the sainted Stu Francis 'I could crush a grape.'
what happened to him anyway.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
poor old Stu. Nobody cares

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

whoever stu francis is he's a bad influence on you,
talking about crushing grapes!!,
i exterminate my cockroaches i don't smoke um.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I'll let you have my Crackerjack pen elmos (stu's picture is on it) but I need to find it first.I'll look tomorrow

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
ONE HUNDRED!

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

a happy birthday gwim on this special day.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
Not my Birthday, But it IS a Happy Monday

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Welcome gwim you're a member of the club now - there's no escape or answers here.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
Blimey O'Reilly. I only popped on because I wanted the hundredth post.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

so i was a bit premature with my best wishes gwim,

i thought you was after i-spy's crackerjack pen.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
He offered me a cabbage instead.

Posted by: nicko (inactive) Report abuse

Post Number 100 I thank you

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
did you set fire to it before taking the pic nicko. its an interesting hobby

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
or was elmos tied to it

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
The cry goes up, "Put it on the Barby".

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

burning at the stake is for witches'and one such witch came into sams bar last night i would have lit the fire myself.
you would think butter wudn't melt in her mouth but she is
the vilist person in this world.
glad ive got that of my chest,makes me shudder thinking of her,

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
a rant a day keeps the witches away

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
and while your feeling better I'd like to know why Liverpudlians are always 'made up' when they're happy.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i think everyone is made up when their happy

wish i could remember what happy was.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
when setting fire to big nosed women I'll be bound.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
yes now i remember gwim that was the time.

the last time i had sex,it was so good even the neighbours
had a cigarette.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
glad you weren't on your own elmos.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

it's that long ago i-spy,not sure i was there.

i do remember someone saying,"the ceiling needs painting".

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I think I've heard the echo elmos

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

well i painted the ceiling,eight yrs later is
not that long a time!!the walls seem to be takin
on a colour of there own.
mind you i took an iq test-it came back negative.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
This definitely worked for me today and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
A doctor on TV said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving home this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse




Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
good on you kenee for bringing a bit of culture back to the

thread after i-spys overindulgencys,i will try to carry it

on.one thing i would like to know is "if you jog backwards

would you gain weight".

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
you would definitely get hit by a bus if they tried thst elmos.
but did you know that if you lived on Venus you would weigh less.
yet another startling, totally useless fact. Must get some sleeping pills instead of listening to odd people ont wireless in the night.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
this thread is educational i-spy,all i knew about venus
was she had no arms,or was that cleopatra.
this lot should make you minister of education you could
take a backwater like for example whelley and drag them
into the 21st century.
it would take some doing but i think you would be up to
the job.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse
You'd weigh less on Venus 'cos you'd be burnt to a crisp.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

burnt to a crisp on venus eh kenee, and i was told
she was armless.
itjust shows the best way to serve cabbage is to
someone else.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse

Depends if you like cabbage.

just off for a backwards jog.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
just thought you space fans would like to
know that we are about to be hit by a lot of meteor showers.
I'm told these showers can be quite spectacular.
Also the the best way to view these events are reclining or laying on the ground so you can see the whole sky without neck strain.
Could be a long night.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

to cold for lying garden i-spy,but i am a space fan,
am watching stephen hawkins on 4 talking about time travel.
god knows the answer you would think he would tell usafter all
he made the world, that was a job and a half but he's done
bugger all recently.

Posted by: brocklanders (692)   Report abuse
this posting is very popular, so it seems!

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
that clever Mr Hawkings worries me with talk of worm holes possibly being a way to go back in time cos
1. they're too tight for me to fit in and
2, it's easier just going to bygone times .

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
i bet we could both fit into one of them black holes i-spy,
stephen hawkins says if we circled a black hole a long time
we would hardly age.
i don't think he's as clever as he makes outbecause i have
been going around in circles all mi life and i'v aged like
buggery,anyway brocklanders says your post is popular so
what do you know.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
brocklander is obviously a person of great taste - he's not a relative of yours is he elmos.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i bet brocklander posted on the wrong thread,
that will be his excuse anyway.
talking about excuses i asked a lady out last night
she said she can't,"she's teaching her ferret how to yodel"
was her excuse,i suppose it could be true.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Who’d be a ferret these days. It seems that they look even cuter when they’re dressed up in ferret clothes.
You can find sweaters, hats, jackets and t-shirts with comical phrases. Owners are advised that there’s no guarantee they will want to wear them.
But your lady friend could be on a winner elmos. Just think a Frank Ifield ferret singing 'she taught me how to yodel
I'd pay to see that.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you must have something against ferrets i-spy,
if the lady had a sweater made out of ferret skins
it would wipe out the ferret population cos she's
bigger than frank ifield.
ithink the reason she refused my date was shock,
i told her i would spend money.
am not bothered though,a man with worms is never alone.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
talking of worms elmos
did you ever work out why the glow worm was so unhappy?
apparently she discovered her kids weren't very bright.

and have you ever thought what you'd get
if you cross a worm and an elephant?

Very big worm holes in the garden.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you seem to have developed a complex about worms!!
worm holes,elephant holes, my worms, if their happy
leave them alone.
don't forget the early worm gets caught by the bird.
i don't want you to suffer from insanity i-spy,
enjoy it as i do.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
have moth balls been moth balled.
I cant find any anywhere.And the moth wont come out the wardrobe.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
i-spy you can ball moths as much as you like now,they love um,
they eat nothing else.
how does he know all this i hear you ask,well i'v always
thought i was a moth!!i went to the doctors about it,he asked questions about me shinnin up lamp posts to get to the lights,
standing on the table circling the bulb with my head.
he said i should see the psychiatrist,i told him thats were i was going but i got to the doctors office and saw his light on. do you know some people call moths,"ugly butterflies"

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
for some reason that reminds me of the bloke who turned up to see a psychiatrist wearing underpants made of clingfilm.
the doc told him 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

its clear your not a nature lover i-spy,i bet your a man
who thinks "the best way to keep the wolf from the door"
is to leave a sheep in the garden.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
the kids got quite emotional when I said I now believe in re-incarnation and that Ive changed my will to leave everything to miself.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

good forward thinking i-spy,but i don't trust them lawyers!!
so am tekin it wi me.
my life needs a new direction so am gettin married or buying
a dishwasher,sick of doing it by hand.

Posted by: micky east (inactive) Report abuse
elmos you can get a dishwasher for £200 ,a wife is less use ,and costs far more!

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

can see you done the maths micky so i will have
to think again,anyway have heard that marraige
is one of the main causes of divorce.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
me and the wife split up before the wedding pics were developed and the photographer had a polaroid camera

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

bet there was no film in the camera i-spy!!but you know
the old saying,"if at first you don't succeed,then
skydiving probably isn't for you".

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
is it true that if you dont pay your exorcist you get re-possessed

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i-spy i will keep going to night-school till am clever
enough to answer one of your questions,i think your motto
is."if you can't dazzle um with brilliance,riddle um
with bullets".

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
there was a song once about more questions than answers and he was dead right. I dont even know who sang it - any ideas?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
i think johny cash sang it,the night-school must be
working!!i'm a vegetarian, not because i love animals,
but because i hate plants.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse

Jimmy Cliff

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

thanks kenee,back to night-school for me.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i was nearly right,johnny nash recorded the song!!!
must have skipped to many nights.
if the voises in my head paid rent i would be rich.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
who's Jimmy Cliff - cant remember his greatest hits

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse
Jimmy Cliff singles:
"Wonderful World, Beautiful People" - 1969
"Come Into My Life "Viet Nam" - 1970
"Wild World" - 1970
"I Can See Clearly Now"
You can get it if you really want
The Harder They Come.


I could have sworn he did More Questions than Answers

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Kenee, I remember one of the songs.
Apparently Jimmy was married to Lorraine and had a bit on the side called Deirdre.
Eventually he pushed his Missus to her death off a cliff thus inspiring his hit single.
"I can see Deirdre now Lorraine has gone."

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse
I thought it was 'Cleary'

They say the old ones are the best

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I only heard it last week

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

dyslexia must be a worry i-spy,always remember-you're unique,
just like everyone else.i would like to say to some doubters
i love cats-they taste just like chicken.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
a mate of mine saw a chicken cross the road today.
he said it was poultry in motion.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse

Not 'Cleary', I meant 'Clara' !

It's been posted on here a couple of times - with different names, Lorraine is consistent though.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i seem to have lost something,i think about 6 yrs""
been told the remedy is,"eat a toad in the morning,
nothing worse can happen to you all day".

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
not til the toad stools arrive elmos

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Do you mean to say that the unpleasantness can mushroom, I-spy?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i wonder if toads have stools if they have would they
be four legged, three legged,or cross legged.
we will have to find answers.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


the answere is blowing in the wind.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

scoop,am sure have heard that before!!
but i didn't believe in reincarnation in the last life,
why should i in this.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


elmos
last life and this life= 2 lives must be something in this reincarnation

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
if I get to come back I hope it's as a woman instead of a bloke. They have a cushy life and its safe to say it cos they dont read this thread- apart from jo anne of course.

Posted by: danni (inactive) Report abuse
not that safe now Jo has pointed us in the direction of you comment icepie

Posted by: lisalee (11913)   Report abuse
Cheeky beggar! lol

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i should have known you would get us into trouble i-spy.

honesty is the best policy,but insanity is the best defence.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
this is worse than Wikileaks - jo anne's shopped us (wonder what she'll come back as).

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
worse than Wikileaks

Oh no, I-Spy.

It was never my intention to shop this thread, but to sell it.

I hoped the Women's-link would serve to increase the sails of the readership here.

And, when I next come back, I just want to be ... forgiven.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

how did you get away with that i-spy,you must have a
siver tongue. i just get ignored.

i once told a lady i would go to the end of the world
and back for her.
she said,you don't have to come back.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
3 Hail Marys,a tub of black peas (with vinegar of course) for me,and a couple of fat juicy toads for elmos and it will never mentioned again jo anne.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse


Sorry, Elmos. I wasn't ignoring you. I hope you are well.

There's plenty of people with a frog in their throat at this time of year. That's bad enough, but *PLEASE DON'T EAT ANY MORE TOADS* - some can make you croak.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
didn't mean you jo anne with the ignoring bit ,just feeling sorry for myself again!!as for the toads i,once kissed a girl
and she turned into a toad so if i see a toad i kiss it trying
to find her again she must know all the hiding places.
people think i'm trying to swallow the toads shows how good i am in that department.if things are not going my way,
am going down a one way street again



Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Gribbit time and you might find her, Elmos.

If things are not going my way, am going down a one way street again.

I agree, sometimes it's easier to go with the flow.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


jo anne
is that andy capps flow?.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Flo?

I don't think so, Scoop.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
has flo been cloned. I saw six of her in Morrisons this morning.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

not six of her i-spy,i wudn't mind but i don't even like flo,
if there's one thing i can't stand,its intolerance.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
back to the questions..
why are wildcat strikes called wildcat strikes.
why not maddog strikes or angry mole strikes/.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i'll say this for you i-spy,you ask good questions.

all i know is when a man talks dirty to a woman, its

called sexual harassment.when a woman talks dirty to a

man it costs £1 50 a minute.





Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
you could have found the answer for poor old cash starved Wigan council.
they could use their staff to set up their own talk dirty lines and at that price they won't need to make any more cuts.
well done elmos. Ever thought to moving into politics.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i don't think i would make a good politicion i-spy,
every time i make a political point i get jumped on,
its either a raving red or a moron.
i'm finding if you think your being ignored its
its because you are being ignored.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Im no fan of politics either elmos but I do like the jokes.Like this one.
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words "President Clinton is a w*n*er" written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."

The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore." This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing".

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i liked that one i-spy,my old dad told me never eat
yellow snow.
al gore and bill clinton were discussing premarital sex,
gore said to clinton."i never slept with my wife before we
we were married.did you?" i dunno,said clinton.
"what was her maiden name?".

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
elmos

was it clothes horse.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

well scoop, thinking of clinton it could have been"goblin".

they asked bill clinton about"new yrs resolutions",
he said well am not splashing out on any more dresses.


Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
during my recent period of contemplation I suddenly realised that every calendar's days are numbered.
Does it mean my time's up.Or should I just keep taking the medicine

Posted by: kopitesere (inactive) Report abuse
medicine i'd stick to that

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
kopitesere
just keep taking the pill.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
where's milestone man Gwim

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse


How many people in denial does it take to change a lightbulb?

What lightbulb? There's no lightbulb.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I knew you wouldnt let us down

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

gwim is to fast for us i-spy,but before criticizing
someone we should walk a mile in their shoes,
then when we do criticize them we'll be mile away
and we'll still have their shoes.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

well i didn't pinch it,last time i saw the road
it was going up whelley way, without passport to.
I you can't laugh at yourself,make fun of other
people.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


how can you pinch a road to nowhere, i ask myself or was it just a mirage.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
From nowhere, you might suddenly find you're now here.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

but the road has been stolen,so it could be anywhere,

spike milligan once said,well he may have said it twice!!

anyway he said,"everybody has to be somewhere"

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
if the road's been nicked shouldnt it be 'no one's going anywhere' until the cops have completed their enquiries. And if it was a long and winding road we could all be stuck here forever.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
just watched a film that a guy drives through a barrier, and finds that we are just a lot of electrical impulses that someone has programmed. and we are just one of thousands of worlds.phew i wondered why i keep forgetting things and thinking i have been here before.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

problem solved i-spy,looks like scoop found the missing road.
Wish i could find whoever programmed my impulses,nearly all
negatives,just one positive.Not sure which one is the positive, am still checking.












Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
the doc told me all my problems were caused by invisible people.
he said all I had to do was find them and kill them and my problems would be over.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


my impulse is to forget i watched the film, and carry on thinking i control my own life [if my wife lets me].

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
Apparently Gary Glitter is trying to get a season ticket at Aston Villa. He has heard that the strikers are young, bent and maybe keane.

Posted by: standishgirl (991) Report abuse

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i may be one of the people giving you problems i-spy,
because everyone i meet says they can see straight
through me.never hit a with glasses-use your fists.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I've been giggling all day over a really pathetic joke about a Dutch woman who has inflatable shoes.
Unfortunately she's popped her clogs.
Is that funny or is it just me.

Posted by: mswigan (inactive) Report abuse
I spy

It's just you. Only joking.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
I heard a sad tale about an inflatable schoolboy who took a pin to his inflatable school to show his inflatable schoolmates. His inflatable Teacher let out a gasp and sent him to the inflatable headmaster who said, "I'm very disappointed in you son. You've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down!"

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
you two got away with them jokes so i will try my luck,

a man bought a parrot but got annoyed cos it kept swearing,so
he put it in the freezer as punishment.after an hr the parrot
begged to be let out promising never to swear again,it said i've learned my lesson.Gust tell me one thing:what the hell
did that turkey say

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
dont know-alls get on your nerves.This one was telling everybody that nothing is impossible.
I asked him if he'd ever tried to slam a revolving door.
That shut him up.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

he can't get round that i-spy,have you seen the news!!
"corduroy pillows" thats whats making the headlines.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
I think raw sewage is disgusting.

I always grill mine.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
i can see you eat at a market hall cafe gwim
but why did god give men nipples?.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
good question elmos. I can only think god felt that man boobs (which tend to be as big as the ladies these days) would look a bit odd without them.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

just looked in the mirror i-spy,your right about the boobs
but we get beat on shape.

i'v heard sex is like a game of bridge-you don't need a
pertner if you have a good hand.

Posted by: truckerdave (2336)   Report abuse
Well i-spy, considering you said this is the least popular side of WW you didn't do so bad with your post. . lol

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
Dunno, Elmos. But one of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is this normal?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

that sounds pretty normal for you gwim,as long as there all
black.We have to take what we are dealt with,i know gods
clever but between me and you i don't think his eyes are to
good looking at the mess he made of me.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
lol. Yep, black as coal they are, well, the ones on the front anyway.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you must be a mind reader gwim,got one of those
cases yesterday!! to-day there half-priced.
he who laughs last-thinks slowist.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
you could get your money back elmos and use it to buy two so you'll have more wheels than gwim

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

if i did gwim would only get more wheels,can't beet gwim.

she was only a moonshiner,but i love her still.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
elmos she's only after your money. make your own booze.
WATERMELON-PEACH MOONSHINE BRANDY (5 gallons)

1 1/4 large watermelon
10 peaches
1 1/4 cup chopped golden raisins
15 limes (juice only)
25 cups sugar
water to make 5 gallon
wine or distillers yeast

Extract the juice from watermelon and peaches, saving pulp. Boil pulp in five quarts of water for 1/2 hour then strain and add water to extracted juice. Allow to cool to lukewarm then add water to make five gallons total and all other ingredients except yeast to primary fermentation vessel. Cover well with cloth and add yeast after 24 hours. Stir daily for 1 week and strain off raisins. Fit fermentation trap, and set aside for 4 weeks.

You can drink it or run your car on it.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

if i make that concoction i-spy i would be the first
man on mars i think,i once made my own bitter but it
was always cloudy!!i still had a pint before i went
to the pub.
i had the talkers on after a pint,i was after fighting
after another pint,so after a few black eyes i saw the
light and brewed no more.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
thats the most sense you've made in years elmos
and this could be the end of me. I think my dongle's dying.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i would go and see a doctor if i've started making sense,
it may be catching i-spy.
my dongle died once,it got the kiss off life but it was a false dawn. i still miss my ex,but my aim is getting better.

Posted by: fred mason (2603)   Report abuse
elmos,

Love your jokes.

Have passed them on to my mates...hope you don't mind...

Keep 'em commin'

Posted by: fred mason (2603)   Report abuse
By the way,

It's not that 'Least popular' with almost 3000 hits and 240 replies.

Well done, i-spy.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

thats nice of you fred,you must like the old ones,
will tell i spy when he wakes up!!he hibernates.
if you want a taste of politics bite cameron and clegg

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
glad you mentioned hibernating elmos. I will have to get some more glow in the dark stickers for when timmy wakes up. he'll be full of energy.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

will get some of those glow stickers for when i go to lav
in the middle of the night,have tried a pin but keep
missing. Of all the things i've lost, i miss my
mind the most.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
that reminds me of a very old rude joke involving two old dears chatting in the nursing home.
one said "do you rememeber the minuet, Nellie"

"Hell " said the other. "I can't even remember the ones I slept with."

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

shows what i know,i thought a minuet was a dance!!
anyway a good cowgirl keeps her calves together.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse

I put a comment about joseph1's posting on the KINDLE thread. I thought I might get some stick about it but it seems to have gone unnoticed.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

here i go again,i thought kindle was a piece of firewood.
but then again maybe they should be burned,my mind is like
a steeltrap-rusty and illegal in most country's.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse

Have you got it elmos?
It struck me as hilarious, not intentionally, on josephs part but by changing one letter in the word 'books'.
I guess it's just the way my mind works.




joseph1:
""I like the smell and feel of real books, plus they look nicer stacked together much better than a lump of plastic. Just my opinion.""


I agree - just one letter wrong:
it should be a b, not a k.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i got it kenee joseph1 will have you for that boob,
at first i was as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Posted by: kenee (1928) Report abuse


Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
a warning to all you good WW folk.
whoever said 'its like riding a bike - you never forget' is a stinking liar.
I got on one today for the first time in 20 years and fell off.
The kid who let me have a ride thought it was hilarious, the little ******.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
i-spy
i bet it hurt, your pride i mean.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
it did hurt scoop but not as much as being kicked off the quiz team.
The other day we lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
I got it wrong -apparently, it's Africa.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you was hard done by i-spy your answer was right,you
know its not whether you win or lose but where you
place the blame.
and if you think nobody cares for you,try missing a
few mortgage payments

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I felt like opening a can of worms today but didnt know where to buy one.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you won't find any i-spy,you open a few cans
on here every day. worms are now extinct.
i finely found out what a cobra was-its a bra for
siamese twins.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


does it not matter where they are joined, could be a different set up.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

your just trying to complicate things scoop,you must
know am having a bad day all round.
well did you hear about the canibal who had a wife
and ate kids.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I dont know what the world's coming too, I see there's a new crisis in the Middle East. Dubai Television was
refused permission to show 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said a claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
But I know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i think your jumping the gun there i-spy, i understand
but i think some in abu dhabi don't.
you have to wonder what the world is coming to,an old
testament prostitute was arrested for trying to make a
prophet.


Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Im turning into a psychic (available most evenings).

I saw this AA man sitting in his van crying his eyes out.
I didnt need to ask him what was wrong.
I just thought 'there's a man heading for a breakdown.'

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I hope he was soon on the road to recovery.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


if not he could have a screw loose

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

if your psychic i-spy you'll know what jo anne's
remus threads all about,i know of course but i
don't want to show them all up.
I do know why women don't blink during foreplay-
their isn't time.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
elmos.Ive been studying facts, figures and statistics lately and its very interesting.
For instance jo anne is obviously a lot smarter than your average lady.
and did you also know that statistically six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


but i think i could be the one, happy i mean.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
h i c a n


v o l e


Clue: The two puzzles above are on similar lines.
Please post your answers here.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
hi-jacked

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

jo anne's had to come where brains are i-spy,
ignore her till she puts a hard one on.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


i hope you mean a tin hat.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
There hasn't been that much flak, Scoop.

And Elmos (if you're not still ignoring me) I think those two puzzles were too difficult.
Or people got bored of playing that messageboard game.

If anyone had posted the corresponding answers to the puzzles, they would have been, as you already know~

h i c a n = chain letters

v o l e = love letters

Sorry for the hi-jack, I-spy.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

shows how good i am jo anne,i didn't get the question!!
i got love chain.
but i was good at golf,i broke 70,thats a lot of clubs.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I prefer spending my time on other links, Elmos.

love chain was a decent attempt at an answer.

(I've thought on that h i c a n could have been chain mail.)

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I enjoyed the quote garden jo anne but still couldnt find out what my dear old grandma meant when she warned me against being led up the garden path.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


was it because of all those naughty girls behind the shed.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i'v come to agree with mark twain about golf'
a good walk spoiled,thats only cos i can' play!
u led enough folk up the garden path on ww i-spy,
am trying to figure out where scoops naughty girls
behind the bike shed come in.
by the time i figure it out with my luck they'll
have gone.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
there were no bike sheds at my school -scoop must have got lucky.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

we must have been lucky we had a shed, but that was
the school .have just been told why women don't
don't look out the window in the morning-so they will
have something to do in the afternoon.

Posted by: chrisenden (104)   Report abuse
30 MINUTES AGO DEN CAME TO GET ME IN THE SHOWER BUT I WAS LAUGHING SO MUCH HE LEFT ME TO READ TO THE LAST POST. IT NEARLY WAS THE `LAST POST` FOR ME AS I HAD A HORRENDOUS SPASM AND ALMOST FELL OUT MY WHEELCHAIR.
YOU PEOPLE ARE A TONIC.YOU SHOULD BE ON THE TELLY, I LOVED IT. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE SO I MAY NOT NEED MY AMITRIPTYLENE TONIGHT. HOPING FOR MORE OF THIS.
THANKYOU.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
elmos is probably responsible for a lot of spasms but Im sure he never meant to separate you and your chair.
and talking of medicine, remember
Confusius says
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
Be happy

Posted by: mswigan (inactive) Report abuse
elmos

How dare you.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

me out for a quiet pint and being accused of causing spasms,
not caused any spasms since the doctor told me i can't
risk any excitement.
don't believe i-spy mswigan he's a trouble maker,
he told me that panties not best thing on earth.
but next to it.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
congratulations elmos. you have made WW history. this thread now carries a health warning.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i blame our friend chrisenden from doncaster,
a woman driver you see!!reading, showering in
charge of a wheel-chair.
we come down hard on that sort of driving in
lancashire,think we are safe over here she'll
never get a visa to cross the border.
why do elephants drink to much-to forget.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
if you were called Nellie you'd want to forget as well elmos.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
i-spy

my mother is named nellie,just you wait till i tell her,you will be in trouble.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I'll be packing my trunk then scoop

ps could you ask your mother what NOT ON YOUR NELLIE means.
I've always wondered.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

well done i-spy you upset all the nellies of the world,
my auntie nellie not be pleased when i tell her about it.
your hitting out like a man with no arms,but tell me if a
man with no arms has a gun is he armed?.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

i-spy

it means "not on your life"
derives from cockney slang "nelly duff" a made up name.
after calling all those nellies i bet your life could be in danger.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
maybe we should start a bring back Nellie name campaign.
its not been in the top 20 name list for 40 years.
Same as Fred, Bert. Florrie, Doris and Agnes.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
u upset our nellie again i-spy,she says you can't
bring her back till she snuffed it.
she wants to know why are a wise man and a wise guy opposities?.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
your nellie is obviously a deep thinker elmos. could you ask her if she knows a cure for my kleptomania.
All the doctor tells me to do is take something for it.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

our nellie has a cure for your kleptomania,(had to copy that)
you won't like it,it involves an axe.
old fashioned is our nellie!!

a weird thing happened after a night out with a lady,
i said good night,all she said was"and your feet are so big".
am still trying to figure out what she meant.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I hope you told her that size really does matter. But you'd best be careful near your Nellie and that axe.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i agree i-spy size does matter,but it's you our nellie
is out to get.
am still having no luck with the ladies,last night i asked
a lady did she want to come back to my place,she said,
will we both fit under the stone.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
women can be very cruel elmos.
A mate of mine told me his wife said the only reason she's having marital relations with him is that the cost of living has now got so bad that she can’t afford batteries!

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

av heard the batteries in pound shop are reasonable,
but are only good for a quickie.
whats this about gwim being promoted,he should av been
sacked years ago, if only for his taste in music.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
it looks like gwim has been elevated to a higher plain - not sure if it was a painful process. but it's a pity he's now moved on to bigger things. I wanted to ask him who decided the alphabet had to begin with A. Danni would know the answer but it seems she's gone as well

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

a shame danni going i-spy,gwim dosn't know whether
he's coming or going,and i think we were getting to
high-brow for jo anne,will have to dumb it down for
her.think i've took to many of my suicide pills.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
have you heard the one about the skunk whose eyesight was failing.
apparently he fell in love with a fart.

we cant dumb down much more than thst elmos.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
It's raised my eyebrows, I-Spy, so still too high-brow for me.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you must have been born with that siver tongue i-spy,
you nearly got to jo anne,but not quite it seems.
maybe if you mate your blind skunk with a slug with
leprosy and offer jo anne the pick of the litter
that may work, she was wavering.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
elmos you must be related to a mate of mine -he's a caring person as well.

We were fishng when a hearse and two Funeral Cars went over the bridge. He stood up, took his cap off and bowed his head.

When the cars had gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

I told him " that's the nicest most respectful thing I've ever seen "

He said " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Posted by: madamehmurray (5728)   Report abuse
I ain;t ever been to rehab and never going back. lol

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
you never mentioned if he had caught owt i-spy,

two fish in a tank,one says to the other,

"how do you drive this thing?".

well, if erin isn't going back to rehab neigher am i.

just come out of "sam's bar",they say rehab is for quitters.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i-spy not been on WW for a while is he googling
for some hard questions?,is he in rehab with erin?,
he may be trying to find some answers to my questions.
i never knew the answers myself,i bet the bugger is
in the south of france.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
He's missed on Wiganworld - no question about that. Hope all is well, I-spy.

Posted by: the_gwim_weaper (inactive) Report abuse
Seconded.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

I-SPY is such a popular poster you would think someone
knows more about him.I think he's touring the world in
a camper van,or he's just stopped to think and forgot to
start again.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I'd like to thank whoever paid the ransom. And I wont be going to Cornwall again.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

it wasn't easy gettin the money together, the last 50p
was the hardest the highjackers said so we let them off
with it.
glad your ok i-spy.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
A pal of mine wants to know if dijon vu is the same mustard as before. I said I'd ask.

Posted by: priscus (5325) Report abuse
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

you must have been learning languages while you been
away i-spy,you could have done like pavlov and took
up bell-ringing.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
bells bring back painful memories of my young days in the church choir.
I was the only one who was told to mime.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
thats a sad story i-spy,the answer is joining my group.
I have a good singing voise but i have a nasel problem
but you can help there,you can mime the washboard and
drown out my nasel problem.I only hope the music business
is ready for a "sniffle group".
am out now for a pint,will av one for you,pay me when i see
you.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Snot a bad idea that elmos.but is the X factor ready for us yet.
ps hope you enjoyed my pint.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

It's a good idea i-spy,as long has your myming finger
holds up.The ladies on here are a gullible lot when comes
to the x-factor but we may have to change our names TO
gwim and tonker.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
why does it seem to take longer to get there than it does to get back.

Posted by: priscus (5325) Report abuse
Is it because getting there may sometimes require skill, whereas you can get back from any purveyor of fine bacon?

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
was going to RHYL one yr i-spy,knew i'd missed my
turn-off on the m6 when i saw the sign for stoke.
Not one for turning back decided to head right, i
knew i had got to wales when i cud'nt read the signs
it took me 7hrs to get to rhyl,got a map coming back.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
elmos you know your not supposed to go on the motorway on your bike.
ps its a good job you didnt need to ask directions to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.
You'd still be travelling.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
my luck didn't change on my way home i-spy,i was on
motorway and my car horn got accidentally stuck and
i was behind a group of hell's angels,when i got out
of hospital, is when i decided to get a push bike.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
a joke for elmos.....

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she

reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.


Posted by: veg grower (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i modelled for that toy i spy,it was the best job i ever had
shelley enjoyed it too.The reason she got behind with her
work was all the test tickling she had to do,i had to keep
showing how to do it.

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I spent hours watching and waiting and I can now tell you that there are definitely no blue birds over the white cliffs of dover.We;ve been had.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

its you i-spy,you went on the wrong day you barm pot.
Vera lynn told you they would be over to-morrow if you
just wait and see,if you go int morn be quiet because
jimmy will be asleep in his own little bed, and vera
said he's a light sleeper.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


then turn out the lights, that should wake him.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

i didn't think you would begrudge the lad a kip scoop,

after all he's had to listen to vera lynn sing all day.

I asked why the birds fly south for winter,it seems that

its because its quicker than walking.



Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
elmos

Unless it is on a wing and a prayer.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

it would be quicker on a wing,and a good reason to

say a prayer scoop.

time may be a great healer,but it buggers up your looks.



Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


Only if you had some to begin with.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse


A girl i know once likened me to steve mcqueen,

she pointed out that he'd been dead for years

after i likened her to joan rivers.

Posted by: Mac (inactive) Report abuse
I'm going to buy a racehorse, name it 'Oscar takes the lead'. I will enter it in races

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

i-spy

Did it toll for thee.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

This cold weather is to much for i-spy scoop,

william tell was never a bowler.

He opened the batting for lancashire for years.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
glad to see you've escaped from politics elmos.
ps saw a message on a wall in Standish. It said 'Kiljoy was here.'
wonder what it means.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse


your just a trouble maker i-spy,

did he not like parties.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
hope the above are not Elmos last words. He can be a bit of a comedian but now he's turned into a magician and vanished.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


Naw cannot see that myself.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
wave your magic wand scoop - see if you can conjure elmos up.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


No sooner said than done i-spy.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
scoop, try waving it again (the wand)

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
elmos

Come out, come out where ever you are.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse

thought the waves might help

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
elmos

Whats do wi the lad.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
still no sign and now he's been relegated to page 2 on the members list/.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
maybe he's won the lottery and not sent me a couple of quid.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


Its only money(his).

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Wiganworld is all the poorer for not having Elmos here. Hope all is well, Elmos.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
elmos

Come on we are all wishing you were back.



Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
still no news.If he had gone off with a 15 year old schoolgirl he would have been found by now.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
or maybe not

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Things are definitely amiss on WW, I-spy - Elmos is still missing and missed.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I was going to circulate his photo but then realised I hadnt got one.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


i-spy

Specially for you.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Merry Christmas Elmos..............have you remembered your password yet.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Can anybody remember when all crisps were plain. the only choice was whether to put the salt on or not.
and what was the first flavour - cheese and onion or salt n vinegar.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
just thought I'd let 2013 in.
ps the answer was salt n vinegar.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (5881)  Report abuse
Little bags of plain chips with a little blue twisted at the top container of salt.... I remember it well.......I put the salt on....tut tut tut......

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

I cannot stand salt and vinegar crisp. Still no elmos

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
he's joined a cult in Thailand or he's hiding from Rebecca and her mates

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
why does 'casual sex' sound so inviting.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
It's not something I've ever been a party to, I-spy.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
There's nowt casual about sex.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
A policeman tried to arrest me the other night. He said I was legally drunk.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (5881)  Report abuse
Scoop if you are wearing denim jeans does that mean it is casual.....

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse
lizzie

Only if your laid back.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (5881)  Report abuse
Laid back and casual........wow........

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

These days i would rather have a good breakfast.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
this thread is losing its educational value.
so did you know
The first testicular guard (“box”) was used in cricket in 1874.
And the first helmet was used in 1974.
In other words it took 100 years for us men to realise that our brains could also be important....







Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse


I love, well done i-spy.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Is this people thinking outside the socks, I-spy?

It's a photo of people queuing in Thailand, though I don't think it's necessarily the norm there.

Online comment:

"I've been living in Thailand for a few months now and I can't say I've ever seen this - it looks like a government office from the pic, and my experience is that they're regular stand-in-queue (like at a post office) or take-a-number setups.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
It's a possibilit that they could be Leeds United fans jo anne. They like to sing about taking off their shoes.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (5881)  Report abuse
"E by gum" I-spy I bet that would make your eyes water.......

Posted by: awinstanley1 (inactive) Report abuse
coaches are trainers???

Posted by: awinstanley1 (inactive) Report abuse
coaches are trainers???

Posted by: awinstanley1 (inactive) Report abuse
coaches are trainers???

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
could be.

Posted by: mache (inactive) Report abuse
Replied: 26th Jan 2011 at 23:08


And there

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
you can't beat a trip down memory lane.

Posted by: scoop (3272)   Report abuse

Memories are the best thing at my age but I hope to make a lot more.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
talking of memories I had a shirt like yours scoop. But it was a long,long time ago.

Posted by: brendagrindley (425) Report abuse
we all belong in the loony on here .

Posted by: brendagrindley (425) Report abuse
meant loony bin.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse
Is there no end to i-spys talent scoop,he seems to be
Putting himself forward as a fashion expert now.
Take no notice,he has a special flat cap for formal occasions


Missed your cap out.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

I don't think its catching brenda.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
looking at their avatar pictures, I suspect that scoop and elmos have got the same barber.
Sadly I don't really need one these days.
And Brenda - you'll feel right at home here.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
From the Official Monster Raving Loony Party site:

Floods - These were policies we proposed many years ago:

It is proposed that all anglers be given free licenses from Sept – March. However the deal is that they don’t throw the fish back. Water displacement will then lower the levels of the rivers……….ergo: No floods.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

I-spy knew what he was doing,making you 'minister for floods'
Jo Anne,but then again he made me'sunshine minister'.
I suggested he make himself a minister for sink holes' he
Said they will never happen over here.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I miss Lord Sutch (RIP).He'd definitely be screaming now if he saw the state we're in.
I'm sure he would have put you and jo anne in his cabinet elmos.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse


A mediocre person is always at his best.

Somerset Maugham.







Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
I know,I know

But

I'd like to say

I'm really glad wrinkles don't hurt 😂😂

Posted by: Jazzy (8508)   Report abuse
Cracking thread I-spy, thanks for the resurrection

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
A time of peace,harmony and taking the Mick in WW jazzy.

Posted by: builderboy (1731) Report abuse
Be alert

Britain needs lerts

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

Britain enough lerts,at least that's
What al told me.😇

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
Yes, I-spy seems to agree with Al, as he's calling for more babies to be a Bert.

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

We must have thought it a bit punny Jo Anne
And had to think of you.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I'm a paronomasiac, Elmos - One addicted to word play or puns.

Posted by: macwil48 (292) Report abuse
By 'eck jo anne. Is it catching?


It must be, 'cause I've loved playing with words for years. Just love spoonerisms especially when the alternative also has meaning and puny punsof course.

Never knew there was a word for it though.

You'd have trouble fitting it on Scrabble board.

Posted by: jo anne (31122)   Report abuse
I think you'll find this article interesting, Macwil48:

h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition
Puns and Other Word Play - Link

Posted by: macwil48 (292) Report abuse
jo anne

I love it.

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
The passage of time has proved me wrong.

It should be history

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

don't think you can ever be proved Wrong i-spy,think
Think you like me are happy if understood.😁

Posted by: i-spy (12846)  Report abuse
Greetings elmos

Posted by: elmos (2623)  Report abuse

Thanks forthe greetings i-spy,I return them with interest!
Thought I was catching you up when I got my 2nd wind but
You always seem to find another gear good luck.😁😬😡

 
 
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