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ADD YOUR ONE LINER FOR A GIGGLE...................
Started by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
Let us have a bit of a laugh with one liners...............

What the ???? was the big yellow van doing next to the police station...


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Posted by: ecmdj (8186)   Report abuse
start us off lizzie

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Was it the AA?

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
It was the Black Maria painted to disguise it then....

Posted by: sonlyme (2337) Report abuse
They're mustard those Aussie police.

Posted by: ayrefield (4307) Report abuse
It was the end of the day when the officer parked his big yellow police van in front of the station.
As he was gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and it was then that the officer spotted the little red haired boy staring at him.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," the policeman replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Posted by: evelyn (421) Report abuse
He chased a little boy who asked too many questions.

Posted by: rbilly (10576) Report abuse
but if you want to learn some thing and you do not understand how will learn Iany thing ? if I do not ask questions said rbilly

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
But what kind of questions are the right questions....for if questions are not asked...how will we know what is going on in....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
yellow vans...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Sexual Intercourse is hereditary !

Chances are that if your parents never had sexual intercourse, you wont either.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
Well someone is missing out on a bit of...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Hanky panky...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
or Hokey Cokey, when they...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
show their prudish side....

(Left-right side in shake it all about etc.)

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
In the back seats of the....

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
Flicks,when the lights go down and he reaches out to...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
get a taste of her Candy Floss

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and grabbed her ice lolly by mistake...

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
And that sure made his eyes water..all the more so when he saw her...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
popcorn - he just couldn't control himself

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
As he made a grab for it the usherette came along and shone her torch directly at him,and said..

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
wait until the lights go down....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
"But if I can't see what i'm doing, I might grab her candy floss and think it's her popcorn, then my fingers will be all sticky"

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
but then, we kissed, and she was so warm and inviting, and the feelings ran rampant....so we....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
shared the candy floss AND the popcorn then the lights came on and everyone saw......

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
that what he really wanted above anything else in the world was...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
to borrow her cherry and white scarf ...

Posted by: kameras (440)   Report abuse
A man who critisized me for moving down under, was going over the top.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
When he took her to the rugby match, with his borrowed scarf, she said...

Posted by: kathpressey (4281)  Report abuse
so are we supported the ones in red and white or the ones in white and red?

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
He said I don't know..just keep watching...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....for the ice cream man....he always knows what is going on for he is......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
gay, and knows everyone. He approached the pizza man and said to him....

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
Giz a kiss..but the pizza man told him...

Posted by: kathpressey (4281)  Report abuse
"Nay lad, I'm married to.."

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
A gorgeous blonde lass,nobody could make me be unfaithful to her..unless they...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
dressed as gorgeous blonde lass, ooooh ah...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
but I got pizzas to deliver to...

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
A few wiganworlders and if I'm late there's no telling what they'll do,so before I get told off I'll start with.....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Everyone in Ince then onto Swinley and Springfield, go back to base for more orders then to.....

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
Beech Hill.. Woodhouse Lane..and hope they all like pepperoni
before I go and fill the delivery van with....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
pepperoni sticks and mushrooms and then I will be providing a special offer on ....

Posted by: kathpressey (4281)  Report abuse
for anyone who can phone up and order using the magic code word...

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
Which is...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....none of your business.....because if you start giving magic codes out all hell breaks loose at the......

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
'Magic Code Factory' which recently changed ownership, the new owner is dyslexic, but worse than that, he comes from St Helens.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and he realised because of this he had no hope so he...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Went off to the chippy where he found.....

Posted by: kathpressey (4281)  Report abuse
a lottery ticket that someone had dropped on the floor..

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
However the ticket had been stepped on many times by people wearing both clogs and high heel shoes, this caused the numbers to be unreadable - however .....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
the ticket was read by a bar code reader in the local shop and guess what?.....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
YES ! you guessed right,but his exclamation caused his heart to flutter and guess what ???

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
the ticket was five years out of date....and worth a million pounds....but he...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
thought I can have a bit of fun fooling friends with this....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
So he washed his face, polished his clogs, put on his clean flat cap and walked down to the local ....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
where he showed it around and all his mates shouted, "Mine's a pint". He cringed and he...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
turned to the ladies one of whom really believed he had won, so started planning...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
to get her groceries delivered instead of taking the bus to Tesco on a Friday.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....because busses to Tesco were always full of the biggest......

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
balloons, but only on a Friday. That was because the 'Biggest Balloon Factory' always gave away the surplus stock they had on a Friday, so they could start making fresh 'biggest balloons' again on a Monday ...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
so he hid the old ticket and bought a round, when he realised that the ticket date was actually still valid for just a few more days...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
He 'supped' his pint quickly, went wom, tuk out his ticket agen and confirmed that the ticket expired in 3 days time.
He had no time to spare, quickly ....

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4580)   Report abuse
I was told by a catholic school teacher about my school prospects to pull my socks up,I bent down to pull them up and got a slap on the head ,thank you miss.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...he contacted the lottery office and verified that he had indeed, won a fortune. He then booked a ticket to...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
tour WW1 battle grounds and visit his grandfathers war grave...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
But first he must present the winning ticket and get the money into his bank account ...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
After the money was paid into his account he went to the WW1 battle grounds to visit his grandfathers grave..his grandfather was German....

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.......apple cake....which is delicious in a big bowl with hot custard on cold days and ice cream on hot days but never....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
with lots of cinnamon because he was allergic to cinnamon which brought him out in...

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
Lots of spots and go around the town singing at the top of his voice....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
which further complicated the situation because he sang in the German language with a German accent. However, when he stopped singing he spoke in his beloved Wigan language complete with accent.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..and now, what to do with all this money..??? Upon returning home, to Wigan, he was walking around town one sunny day when he saw....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
a Bond Mini Car for sale ! it was a 1960 two seater, three wheel car, painted fire engine red. It was something he had always wanted and now he could afford to buy one ....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
sadly, the cost of petrol had gone all out of proportion to his pension...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
nevertheless with his cloth cap and clogs all the girls would look at him and say.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
that's a bonny mini you have there, oud lad, can we...?

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
"Squeeze three in there and go off to Blackpool?" "It's only a two seater" he said. However......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
one can sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up." You are too old for that" she laughed. "But," he said...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
lets give it a try - so they pushed and pulled, breathed in and squeezed into the Bond Mini Car, all went well until ...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
the wheel fell off...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
and it couldn't have happened in a worse place - right outside the Orrell Police Station in Gathurst Road ....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"Nah then..!! What's all this 'ere?" said the bluebottle...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
" well..er, er it's sort of a game, a challenge you see constable". The constable scratched his head and said "I'll get the new sergeant, Dixon is his name, up from London".....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
"that's not George Dixon who was based at Dock Green is it" ? "Certainly is" replied the constable.
" My goodness ! he married my cousin, I had heard he was hoping to get a transfer back to Lancashire".

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"In the mean time, you just get yon wheel back on, or I'll nick you. Then I'll"...

Just then the new sergeant appeared...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
"Hello George - how are you ? it's good to see you back in Lancashire, you're looking good, how's the wife and kids" ?

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"They are fine, Harry. How are you.? What's wrong with this lot and their car?"

"Eyup, aren't you my cousins hubby?" cried Sergeant Dixon to the driver of the mini...

Posted by: r.fisher (539)  Report abuse
No but I look like him.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
On yer way then, and don't let me catch you...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
playing pocket snooker and looking at the ladies through the W.I window

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
The car fixed, they went on their way. Meanwhile down on the canal bank at Red Rock there was a strange looking...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
bird with hoola hoola feathers making a whoopee croak...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
upon closer inspection it was identified as the very rare male legless bird from southern Zambia called a 'Homygoolies' so named after the cry it makes when landing.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
The local fisherman saw this and was amazed, so amazed that he decided to call in the...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Fairhurst Ice Cream seller - he was sure that when word got out about the bird, thousands if not millions of people would come to take a look.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Soon, the canal bank was covered with twitchers and many more ice creams sellers arrived and started to ....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
ply there trade, they were followed by balloon sellers, jugglers, baked potato sellers etc. Then suddenly and without notice or fanfare ......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
a Homygoolie bird landed and shouted...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
"Geroutofit I was here first" to everyones amazement as it had a true Wigan twang....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Not only did it have a Wigan twang, but when it raised its left wing and a flat cap fell out which it immediately placed on its head ...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and a meat pie fell from under it's right wing and people KNEW it was a Wigan Homygoolie bird and not from southern Zambia after all. So they all...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
started to sing ...

A Homygoolie has landed in Wigan
Its got a flat cap on its yed
With a gradely meat pie under its right wing
Will give a name and its Fred

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
ooooh-ah!!

A music scout heard the singing and picked two of the singers who had lovely voices to go to...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
'The Royal World Wide Sound Of Music Extravaganza' to be held at Wigan Pier.
As the name implies, the show will be held in the prescence of Her Majesty the Queen accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..."Oh, jolly nice.!" cried the Queen and everyone clapped. Just then the Homygoolie bird landed in the canal and shouted, "I cawn't swim.!!"...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
The Queen became very distressed and urged one of the corgies to jump in but not being of a retriever breed......

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
he found it very difficult to perform a recovery, in fact he did more harm than good by just barking and barking causing the Homygoolie to panic more - but rescue was on its way in the form of an old pit pony that was grazing along the canal bank ...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...the old pit pony was very smart, even after spending many years underground, so he backed up to the canal and hung his tail into the water, whereupon the Homygoolie bird grabbed it and his life was saved...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
...everybody cheered....they were so thankful to the old pit pony so they awarded him the key to the town....which opened every door that was important....the old pit pony was about to make a speech when....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
suddenly out of the sky appeared a very large bird, similar in appearance to Homygoolie but with certain parts of its anatomy missing !
Upon closer examination when it landed, it was indeed the female equivalent of the Homygoolie bird.
Everyone cheered and clapped with excitement, Her Majesty stepped forward and granted both birds royal protection, the Duke said that they would take both birds back to London and they would live in the grounds of Buckingham Palace - "Neigh Neigh you cawn't do that" shouted the pit pony "these birds are Wigan birds not London birds" .....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
The Homypussy bird said to the Homygoolie bird, 'Quick, lets make a run for it, or a fly for it,' so off they took, waving goodbye to Her Majesty and headed for Wutchy Ruckk...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
However as they headed for Wutchy Ruckk storm clouds started to appear in the distance. They decided to change direction and headed for UpHolland, as they neared the village of UpHolland they saw Dean Wood with the golf course alongside. That would make a smooth landing place for us chirped Homygoolie "yes" said Homypussy "and we could raise a family in the woods".

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
So, they built a beautiful nest in amongst the bushes. It was layered with fine hairs and cobwebs and was so comfortable. She laid six eggs and they hatched into the most lovely...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
fluffy chicks. The image of the parent Homy birds..... except for one....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
which had a pink tinge to its feathers, plus a long neck and legs, long lanky legs.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
obviously from a long necked, long legged, Homycuckoo bird from Leigh...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
but what was originally thought to be obvious was soon bringing a change of mind - this bird spoke with a plum in its mouth. It had an educated accent, similar to one you would associate with Oxford.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
The posh accent was hereditary since the new born Homicuckoo bird had not had time to attend uni. So, as the media gathered around it the question was, from which parent did the Homicuckoo bird get it's posh accent...?

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Not only was its posh accent a surprise, but when it produced a Samsung Galaxy S5 from under its right wing and started to take photographs of the assembled media and appeared to be emailing them, then the media were totally flummoxed.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...and so the Homicuckoo bird jumped onto the back of the old pit pony which then galloped away into the distance after depositing a pile of manure on the canal bank. 'Phew,' cried the media and Her Majesty passed out with the smell. Whereupon...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Aggie Gray who lived very close by, ran along the canal bank with a bucket and shovel and scooped the manure up. The Duke of Edinburgh seeing this shouted "I say old girl, what are you going to do with that manure" ?
Aggie replied in her best posh Wigan accent "am goin put it on me rhubarb".
To which the Duke retorted "You are going to put it on your rhubarb ? in Buckinham Palace we put custard on our rhubarb"

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
So, Aggie being a proud Wigan lady went indoors to make a bucket of custard. When it had cooled she went outside into the garden and poured it on to her growing rhubarb.

'No,no,'cried the Queen. 'He was just joking.'

'Please Mrs Gray, you must come to tea at the Palace. We'll send a car for you'. The car arrived a week later and Aggie got in with all her finery upon her...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Arriving at the palace she was complimented on her hat. "Ne'then young feller these ere fithers come off a homygoolie bird. Fished um ewt ot cut. Thas sin nowt like it bifoor. Tell thi what I'll sell um to thi later on." So a bargain was struck......

(Hard trying to do a Wigan accent when spell checker won't let me)

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
at least Aggie thought a bargain had been struck, but Prince Harry had been taught from an early age that if he didn't understand what had been said he should simply smile and nod his head.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
At one point Aggie said to Prince Harry,

"Tha reminds mi o' yon mon i't filums."

Prince Harry smiled and nodded his head, at which point Aggie thought what a strange young man indeed, so she further said in her strong Wigan accent....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
"ast gettin eny loos rown ere, am deeing for a pee" with that Prince Harry summoned a footman and left the area ...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Following Prince Harry's compliments others had noticed the hat and soon there was quite a long queue outside the ladies (not for the usual reason) but to see the wonderful feathers. There was much pushing and shoving when Aggie emerged leading to....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
a fight amongst the ladies of the court. Never had they seen such beautiful feathers on a hat and in true regal style.....

...they punched each other, and screamed at each other, in order to steal the feathers of the Homigooly bird from Aggie, who simply said, in a genuine, Wigan, ladylike manner....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
naw why dont ya all sit thee sels down on we con tawk abawt what this palaver is al abawt.
With that, most of the 'ladies' had a comical puzzling look on there faces, but they sat down.
No sooner had they got settled when suddenly a loud distinguished voice announced "His Royal Highness Prince Charles" - with that they all (with the exception of Aggie) jumped up and started to courtsey as Charlie entered the room.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
... so one of the court ladies whispered to Aggie, 'Please stand and courtsey to Prince Charles'.

'I'll do nowt o't sort' replied Aggie.

A true Wigan lass, honest and good....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
dusnt need to bow down an scrape to anyone has allers bin Aggies seyin.

From the look on Charles face, he was not pleased. In fact he showed his displeasure by whispering to one of the courtiers which resulted in Aggie being escorted out of Buckingham Palace and told not to return .....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..so Aggie returned to Wigan where she was greeted as a hero, for standing up for her principles. Even though Wigan was a Royalist town in the Civil War the people are now...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
speaking about her as being famous, in fact down at the laundromat last weekend a woman was heard to say "urs as famous as Billy" and when one of the other women said "who the bloody hell is Billy" - the reply came in harmony from two women "Billy Boston of course".

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
One of the woman said even Billy is known by the Queen and have had tea together in the palace garden

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Aggie said, "Aye, he were a great player and the present team are just as good, in fact they are..."

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
"wurld beaters an ah think ah should gie um mi fithers fot bring um luck" and so she did. They are now on display in the trophy cabinet. The whereabouts of the homygoolie birds are unknown.....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
to most folk - but word has it that Jemmy Pullaver the well known rag n bone man who originally came from scholes but is now living somewhere near Billinge has got both the the homygoolie and the homypussy in a disused barn, he is hoping to breed from them ....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
which eventually he did, and produced a nest full of Homychicks. Some however had stripes, and some had spots, which made Jemmy wonder if...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
that was how you could tell which were homygoolies and which were homypussys. He asked Ivor Knackeroff the local vet if that could be the way to sex the chicks. Ivor scratched his bald head and consulted Dr Google who couldn't cast any light on the subject. So Jemmy decided to go down to the pub for a few pints and ask his mates.
Owd Ben who was a legend in his own head, said that when he wur a lad they used to sex chicks by shaking them, if they rattled they were boys, if they didn't they were girls.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and it came to pass that when Jemmy shook the striped chicks, they rattled and the spotted ones did not...and verily he was so confused at this stage that he sold the blo--y lot and bought some pigeons. Unfortunately he bought them via th'internet and when they arrived....some were striped and some were spotted...

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
Jemmy should have worn his glasses when he bought the pigeonsThey where American pigeons has they where coloured in stars and stripes. He would have spotted this straight away

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
But it wasn't long before the chicks started to chirp in harmony and Jemmy thought he could hear the occasional word, he listened carefully and slowly but surely he made out the words - "Oh, say! can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming;
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight"
My goodness they were singing the national anthem of the U.S.A.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
By gum, thowt Jemmy.

"I'll put yon lot on show". So at the next pigeon fanciers meeting he put them out alongside all the other birds who promptly called them all 'Yanks'. "Naw then, what to do here.?"...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
asked Bill (who was still wearing the same shirt he had on when he got married 45 years ago).
Wi cornt have that kind o language rowned ere tuday, cos American ambassador is supposedly cumin - itll bi reported int Wigin Observer that wur prejudished.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
'Nay, we're not prejudished', cried the Homigoolie bird as he flew in and landed.

'I once flew to America and was greeted warmly. The Yanks are lovely people and treated me well.'

He then flew away to search for his Homipussy partner...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Having heard the Homygoolie bird saying how he had enjoyed visiting the US Jemmy decided to put his singing pigeons on the internet and make a fortune. There was little response until he videoed them and then.....

Posted by: bassman (3536) Report abuse
Simun Cowil axed im fot cum on thex factur....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and so it came to pass that the Homygoolie bird DID appear on't thex factur and then flew away, never to be heard of again, except in a song.

Meanwhile down at the DW stadium, on a sunny Saturday afternoon, the crowd were egging on their favourite team, crying, 'Come on you ...'

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Come on, all you budding authors....let's go... get writing...we are all waiting with BAITED BREATH...

Posted by: kathpressey (4281)  Report abuse
!....Come on You Warriors"!The lights were so bright that people thought it was Saturday already, when actually it was still Friday night. Max the mascot was completely dazzled and fell over his own feet.
The crowd roared as Budgie Burgess won the game.
Poor old Max was Stretchered off. So who could be the mascot at the Superleague Final???
Could it be the mighty Homygoolie bird?

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"No way..!!"

Cried the Homygoolie bird..."I am retired and do not want to be a mascot for anyone. Go and try the .....

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
..... old dragonbird that lives out Preston way....she hasn't done much in a while.....she may be willing if you give her a......

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Jar of Uncle Joe's mint balls to keep her all aglow.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...an' if her don't like Uncle Joe's Mint Balls then there is always the...

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4580)   Report abuse
fishermans friend...

Posted by: peter48 (2738)  Report abuse
to suck on until..

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...Spring arrives when the old dragonbird begins to think of mating with...

Posted by: lanky11 (4085)   Report abuse
Betty a big black crow that liked pie and a pint or two. so they flew into the pub and the bar tender said... as he turned on the telly behind the bar It is time to watch the magic round about.and Brian said...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..Guinness, Thwaites or Greenalls, and the dragonbird declared that...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Guinness would give her the courage to ask the big black crow why his name was Betty..."

Posted by: lanky11 (4085)   Report abuse
So he asked her why do they call you Betty and he said because I like to wear mi feathers long. So then .....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...they cover all of me and I can sneak up on the females without being spotted as a male...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...and when I grab a female, I...

Posted by: rbilly (10576) Report abuse
plump up me great big ...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Tail feathers

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..so, after mating with the females the old dragonbird flew off to the ...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
fred, fred, fred the dragon bird is FEMALE

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
don,t knock it anne

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
ooooops...should have gone to specsavers...

..so, after mating with the males the old dragonbird flew off to the ...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
house of Santa Clause to help in any way she could, there she met up with many of her elf friends and wouldn't be back until....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..Santa had completed his rounds all over the country with the dragon bird in the lead and directing Santa and his reindeer to all the good boys and girls wot deserved lovely toys....or did they?......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"What happened", cried the DragonBird.

Everyone has stopped writing about me...

"Well now, I am going to go out and ..."

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Well, Lizzie,

It looks like the poor old Dragonbird has died...

R.I.P. Dragonbird....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
But what was not known, was that Dragonbird was not a true pedigree !
Dragonbird was a crossbreed, which would soon become apparent ...
When it was suspected that Dragonbird had died, the final resting place of the carcass was atop a pyre.
Dragonbird was set to be cremated !
However, as the flames started to engulf Dragonbird and tears started to flow from those witnessing the event - suddenly out of the flames and smoke arose ---------------------
A Phoenix
Dragonbird was indeed half Dragonbird and half Phoenix.
The reincarnation of the Phoenix was complete as the Phoenix flew to and landed on the branch of a nearby Oak tree ...

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
And watched quietly as Santa went home to Mrs Santa who had his tea ready for him after he had been working hard getting ready for Christmas

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
All was quiet, then suddenly another bird landed in a tree close by, it was a Partridge and the tree was a Pear tree.
So the Phoenix in the Oak tree had the company in an adjacent tree of a Partridge in a Pear tree

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
And yes they will be singing about this in a few weeks time

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
As the Phoenix looked at the Partridge, something passed between them since one was male and the other female...

Come fly with me and we will...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
And they did

Three weeks to the day later, 6 little Phoeridges pecked there way out of there shells -

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
And this all happened around sunny Wigan

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..and in a nearby tree there was another nest, in which hatched 6 little Partrenixes. When the Phoeridges and Partrenixes saw each other they glared at each other across the woods and...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
said......if a fellow saw a fellow in a field of fitches

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
us being game birds we should gang up and see the shooters off... so when the shooters arrived they got the shock of their lives because....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...the Phoeridges and Partrenixes attacked them, quite viciously. They flew at their heads and brought blood...the shooters ran for their lives into the cover of the trees, but to no avail, the Phoeridges and Partrenixes found them and bit and slashed at them until the shooters no longer could walk.It was an amazing assault by birds on people and the newspapers the next day were full of the story...

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
The birds stuff the shooters and now there is a change in the pecking order. The birds rule the roost

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
....and seeing I am so distraught at the demise of the beautiful Dragonbird....I am voting that in the middle of Wigan where I used to catch the number 5 bus....they should erect a.....

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
A statue of shoppers before we forget what they look like

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
So the statue of shoppers was erected and built from marble and placed in the market square for all to see. As is usual with statues, birds tend to land on them and one quiet Sunday morning there was seen to approach the statue from the direction of Haigh Hall a beautiful bird. It landed on the statue and it was indeed a.....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
....beautiful dragonbird, it preened and fluttered its beautiful feathers in the Wigan sunshine to great effect. People were pleased to see one again, however some were not owing to what it did to the glowing marble statue. So it was decided to....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...cover the statue with a net to prevent the dropping of droppings onto the beautiful statue. BUT everyone loved the Dragonbird and some wanted to adopt this lovely creature for posterity in Wigan, but there was one councillor that....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Message from me, the Dragonbird...

Here's wishing you all a very Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year....

Don't forget to follow my exploits in 2015...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
still 5 days of 2014 left, or has the bird flown away for winter and said nowt

Posted by: scoop (3285)   Report abuse
and it went as the crow flies.

Posted by: PeterP (6144) Report abuse
To spread its wings and find pastures new to find this place where the moaning councillor lived

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...which turned out to be Orrell. This councillor was very arrogant and cocksure and upset a lot of his fellow members in council. He would raise his voice in objection to many motions that were put to the floor, just to hear his own voice.

Right, exclaimed the Dragonbird...enough is enough. Now, I am going to....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
deal with this Harry Arbuckle - i've heard so much about him, how he arrives late for meetings and opens his mouth just to let his tongue waver in the breeze.
I've also heard, but this is only a rumour, that his love for a tipple or three of whiskey is equally matched for his love, or should I say lust for the wife of the local preacher.
But I should stress, this is only rumour, but as they say 'where there's smoke, there's fire' !

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
aaaaahhh said the Dragonbird, I,ll fly overhead and drop them a parcel............

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...which he duly did and dropped a plop right on Harry's head as he was hosting a barbeque in his large garden at his home in Orrell Road.

"What the..??" cried Harry and his wife and friends burst out laughing.

The Dragonbird also chuckled as he flew over Gathurst Valley and underneath the M6 Motorway viaduct and on towards Appley Bridge...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
The next landmark he saw was Ashurst Beacon ....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
with some people climbing up the hill, so he flew over them...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
....noticing two of them seemed to be in control of a silent swooping flying thing (a radio controlled glider) this unnatural large winged being scared him so much he turned and headed back to suburbia. Having been so scared he became disorientated and soon found himself in unfamiliar surroundings which he didn't like the look of....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..and it transpired to be a place named..Leigh. All the people out shopping looked up and cried...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
'Wot' the bloody hell is it ?

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
....they did not have a clue....they had never seen such a huge purple pink and blue dragon bird before...people ran in all directions...hiding wherever they could...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
but the dragonbird, with eyes like a hawk, spotted them and swooped down, and grabbed a fleeing womans......

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
mobile phone.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...and landed in a tree and began squawking into the phone which was still connected to the woman's son. The son cried, "Mum, what the heck are you saying"?....

Posted by: madamehmurray (5927)   Report abuse
Well son I am tell the alien everything about you still living at home and having to change the sheets everyday because of little accidents. You might be 42 but act 7

Posted by: kathpressey (4281)  Report abuse

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
... the Dragonbird then flew off and left the son confused.

All the Leythers gasped at the speed and power of the Dragonbird and decided to ...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
....adopt the dragon bird as mascot for their RL team. Following the persuasion of the bird to agree all seemed to be settled. The Dragonbird having no conception of the rivalries between neighbouring teams little knew of the trouble this could cause....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
.. because when Wigan Warriors found out about the Leythers new mascot they were most upset and the management got together to see...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
...what the cunning birds plan was, because no way would it tuck a leyther under its wing, and it had that cunning look it its eyes......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...as it was born in Scholes and was very streetwise. The Leythers knew this and decided to ...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
....search high and low for a new mate to....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...breed this wonderful bird with. The result would be a super bird worthy of...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
eating Wigan Pies...!!!!

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..until a Leyther came across and said...

Posted by: scoop (3285)   Report abuse
It caunt eat pies it has to have lobbies.

Posted by: r.fisher (539)  Report abuse
After having the lobbies,it made it walk Lobsided,and it was last seen walking lobsidedly ,down Wigan Lane.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...whereupon it arrived at the Market Hall in Wigan Centre.

Where it bought some sweets from Santus's stall and promptly declared that....

Posted by: scoop (3285)   Report abuse

What a sweet place Wigan is---

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Next it spotted a nice green area with a pond full of ducks. Hmm if it's good enough for ducks it's good enough for a dragon bird....

Posted by: scoop (3285)   Report abuse


and it made the ducks duck

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
and dunk their doughnuts

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
into the gooey water, full of muck...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Oohh thought the Dragonbird that looks lovely almost like my usual breakfast. I could really settle here.

Posted by: scoop (3285)   Report abuse
Then with a loud----

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
splash, the Dragonbird landed in the water....The fish jumped clear of the surface, the other water birds flew away, squawking, and the park attendant jumped up off the bench where he had been reading the 'Sun' and yelled at the Dragonbird in a very loud voice, "Oi,!! you!!"........

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
.....you,re nothing like the page 3 bird in this ere paper, can you puff yer chest out a bit?

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...so the Dragonbird puffed out her chest and to his horror the park attending yelled, "I've never seen nowt like that afore" and ran for his life....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
...and no wonder, beneath the dragon birds multicoloured feathers were a multitude of the most realistic tattoos. Snakes, which seemed to be alive, writhing with each movement the Dragonbird made....

(Fred you are going to have this bird very confused. One post it is a HE your last post a SHE)

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
hehehehe, chuckled the dragonbird, Anne thinks that's a snake down there

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..so the Dragonbird covered the tattoos with his feathers (Sorry Anne) and flew in the direction of the running man...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
squawking...a man......that's more like it

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Dragonbird (using its beak) removed its passport from a previously hidden pocket under its right wing. When the passport was opened, it was there for all the world to see, next to the part which states 'Sex' was the the word 'Fe/Male' so the question remains 'is Dragon bird a Female or a Male' ?????

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Heeheehee gasped the Dragonbird as it chased the unfortunate parkie. "I can be what I want to be when I want to be. I am one of those species able to breed without help from others of my ilk". What will happen when Dragonbird catches up with the parkie?.....


(Time it had a suitable name.)

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
McGarry, the actual name of the Dragonbird flew after the parkie with a vengeance.He didn't want to hurt the poor fellow but just scare the wits out of him.

The parkie looked back and saw this vicious looking McGarry coming right at him and he.....

(As a butchers lad in the old Wigan market hall in the early sixties, I learned that a beast who didn't know which sex he was, was called a McGarry, possibly a hermaphrodite)

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
.....The parkie looked back and saw this vicious looking McGarry coming right at him and he.....

heard the Dragonbird squawk......I,m pure wiggin me,
you,ll pay for that....and started to sharpen ITS beak on the kerb

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...with it's beak now razor sharp, McGarry attacked the keeper and clean cut through his braces, causing his trousers to fall down around his ankles...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
revealing frilly pink knickers, along with nora batty type stockings

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Oh my, cried McGarry...what have we here???...

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4580)   Report abuse
nora batties knickers what a picture,lizzie good to see you back on WW.

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Nora Batty stockings were extra winter warmers, the frilly pink knickers...err uhmm??

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..and since the McGarry, Dragonbird was actually part Phoenix, he...

Posted by: scoop (3285)   Report abuse
took one look and his eyes watered....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
as he thought of Wigan and...

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
Thems theer Wigin pashion killers ees werin, ger im sumut gradley fot

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
go t't dance at the ABC and mebee meet someone gradely and...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
So the hunt was on. A visit to Primark, Matalan and several local supermarkets but no avail. Even M&S could not produce suitable attire, maybe something more upmarket was required.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
So, the house of Fraser was visited along with the Scottish Woollen shop.After decking out in the finest clothes available the McGarry bird thought, Hmmmm...All dressed up and where do I go???

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
King street, Wigan.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Where else????

But then the McGarry bird got the urge to.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
So sorry, Lizzie..it appears that there is only Anne and I who are up for a giggle....

Ne'er mind...good try, lass....

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....have a bit of an overseas trip....but where to go...there is such a big wide world out there....thinking....thinking...I know...how about a flight to.....

Posted by: momac (8317)  Report abuse
Amarillo.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....the USA ....well...what shall I do in Amarillo.....I guess the best place to perch would be on the trees down by the.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...Palo Duro Canyon and watch the Comanche Indians travelling by. When they have passed by, I will...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....shriek so loud ...it will make the chief jump out of his skin...they thought they could sneak by and not attract my attention....well ...they did...and it will cost them dearly......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...as the Dragonbird flew at the Comanches, he screeched and yelled like a banshee in heat. The Indians had never seen a British Dragonbird before and the men ran for their very lives, the women screamed in fear and the horses bolted. The children burst into tears and then an old Comanche chief jumped UP and said, "ENOUGH!!!"...

He then commenced to...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
....sing the most wonderful song of the ages....his voice was so melodic....everyone immediately stopped and listened....the dragon bird could not believe what he was hearing....he started to fly around to the melody...his feathers changed colour in the afternoon sun.......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
You see, he was a chameleon Dragonbird, one of the rarest Dragonbirds in the world.

The Dragonbird calmed down and landed on the ground. All the people around came across to get a better look at this strange creature when suddenly...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
....a little boy stepped forward from the crowd....in his hand was a beautiful carving of a creature that looked just like the Dragonbird ...painted with beautiful colours ...the little boy held it up to the Chief and smiled...the Chief smiled back....it seems that Dragonbirds have been part of the history of the tribe for ever .......but the question stil remained.......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
... did the Dragonbird secretly know this fact or was it sent there by some subconscious feeling. It sat there and wondered quietly to itself. Then it realised that the tribe adored it and worshipped it. Food and drink was brought from a nearby teepee and placed in front of it and all the people in the tribe backed away in reverence.' I must be a God' thought the Dragonbird. 'Wow', it thought, but...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
i need to get back to the canal bank at redrock...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...and so it came to pass, verily, that the Dragonbird ate a final, large meal of bacon and eggs, waved a final goodbye to the Commanches, checked the compass was working alright and set a course for Red Rock...

Posted by: bentlegs (4193) Report abuse
But when he got back to RED ROCK HE FOUND THE bloody lot of rocks had changed to GREEN, now it is called GREEN rock


Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
i know how to make it white rock he chirped

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
On second thoughts he decided I want it to be RED, so off he went and ate as many wild blackberrys as he could find. That should do the trick he thought and by golly it certainly did.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...and, SO, after eating all the blackberries in the Haigh area, he flew over all the green and white rocks at the top of the hill and pooped until his little botty was red...and so were the rocks. It was Red Rock once again....

However....

Posted by: r.fisher (539)  Report abuse
The Red part means a russian spy,from Wigan,whose infiltrated the confines of councillors of Wigan,and is waiting to disclose the meanings of their outbursts.

Roy.

Because?

Posted by: fingers (inactive) Report abuse
Think you have it tough? Try to buy a Wii in France!

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and the Dragon Bird, having heard all about the results of the Wigan Councillors actions decide to pay them a visit....

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
so....."armed", with red, green and white ammo, and with quite an effort, the dragonbird was once again airborne

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
and fully loaded he flew over the plantations on his way to the council offices, and looking down through the trees, he saw.....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
A weird looking object quite close to the council offices. Hmm he thought I could really do something to improve that. So taking very careful aim he plastered the top with white gave it nice red rosy cheeks and a bright green scarf round its neck. Turning round as he flew off he was well satisfied that he had given the 'face' some character.

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
...the dragonbird was just out of sight when an elderly lady came shuffling past the now gaudy looking object...by the crin she said...what happened here...she looked around for the culprit but there was no one in sight...when suddenly round the corner came.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
A Wigan Councillor.

"What the 'eck is gooin on 'ere"? Cried the Councillor, when a Wigan citizen stood up and said....

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
wots rung with it mon... its breyter thant sunshine that

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...but the face, looking glum as always.....winked..!!

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Around the corner came an old Morris 1000, all the windows were wound down, an elderly lady was driving, a corgi dog occupied the front passenger seat, lots of cardboard boxes occupied the back seats and the sound of Frankie Vaughan singing about a green door came blaring out of the radio ...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
horlicks to this said the dragonbird....she,s having it

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
(referring to the car) checked for drugs, Surely it's not normal for an old lady to be driving around with the radio blaring. Unless she is totally deaf.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Flying low over the car, the Dragonbird said...'Sample this lot, as the load of &^%$$$ dropped onto the car'...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
The old lady in the Morris 1000 was initially shocked when the load of Lotto tickets and Blackpool rock was dumped on her car, but then she realised that the tickets were for the draw to be made in 2 days time ...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...and in two days time, unfortunately she did not win the top prize, however she did win a ....

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
cheque book and pen

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
The cheque book was issued by Barclay's Bank, I wonder how much money is available to me the lady wondered. To find the answer the lady went to the local branch of Barclay's and asked ....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..if she could open a joint account with the Dragonbird, in order to....

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
keep dragonbird supplied with babbys yed, chips peys an gravy, and plenty bread for ammo

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Sex is hereditary - chances are that if your parents never had Sex, you won't !

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
So, the dragonbird had lots of grub from't chippy but didn't have a sexual partner, and what the Dragonbird really wanted was...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
some alka seltzer to settle the grumbling in its tum

have we established if dragonbird is male or female?

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
I do believe that the Dragonbird is a HE although it used to be a she, so I believe....

So, after the Alka Seltzer wore off he was ready for organising his Christmas dinner, early, and included in the planned meal was...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
a toast to terry the turkey, the dragonbirds uncle, he is the christmas dinner

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...so being a cannibal, the Dragon Bird went shopping for some brussel's sprouts and stuffing. When he returned he realised...

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
...he didn't have a clue how to cook his uncle, never having done it before.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
The Dragon Bird got out a large iron pot, filled it with water, and placed a fire underneath it, and went around to his uncle...

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
who said....hello dragonbird....do you fancy coming round at xmas for lunch

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Well, the Dragon Bird began to feel guilty, but what did his uncle mean by coming round for lunch. Did his Uncle have some plans for lunch that the Dragon Bird wasn't aware of???

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
In the meantime, I would like to wish everyone who has commented on this post, and also to everyone at Wigan World, a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
said dragonbird, as he sharpened his knife while eyeing up terry the turkey

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Christmas Day is only two day's away, he thought, as he raised the knife above his head....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Christmas came and went, just like it does every year 😀 - and New Years Eve and day also did the same 😈 - as February was coming to an end and the cold weather combined with gale force winds was starting to get dragon bird depressed, suddenly dragonbird got a bright idea !

I need a holiday on the continent, the brochures showing holidaymakers enjoying sunny beaches appealed, yes I think I will go for a fortnight on the continent, but where exactly should I go to ???

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
Dragon bird finally chose a resort on the island of Mallorca but how to get there he mused. Should he fly all the way stopping at places when he was feeling tired or hitchhike. It would take some organising whichever way.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
As he flew across France he landed close to Barcelona and there in the distance was Mallorca. He was exhausted by this time so hitched a ride on a departing ship. Approaching the island, he realised that....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
As a youngster many many, moons ago he had been deported from Mallorca because of some misdemeanor he had committed. He just hoped that the local police and immigration officials didn't recognize him. He wondered what he could do to disguise himself.

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...so, he disguised himself as a tourist from Wigan.

As he strutted along the beach, a real Wiganer shouted out...

"Eyup, I'nt that the Dragonbird from Scholes?"

Startled, he turned and ran......

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
..... unfortunately he ran straight into the sea. Now then dragon bird feathers weren't made like ducks feathers and would take weeks to dry out, there was only one thing to do.....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
and so he decided to do it .....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...he lay on the beach in the sunshine until his feathers dried out. This took a few days and luckily no one recognised him, this time, so feeling lucky, after his feathers were completely dry, he flew off and .....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
..... did a quick tour of the island. A sign pointing to Cuevas del Drach caught his eye. I wonder, I wonder he thought, could that be where some of my distant relatives live.....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
As Dragonbird made some low level swoops over Cuevas del Drach he thought to himself 'my goodness I am not sure if I have distant relatives here or not, but I wouldn't mind staying here for a few weeks' then Dragonbird spotted the entrance to one of the famous caves - I must take a look inside ......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Dark and cool, these 4 large limestone caves on the edge of Porto Cristo have become one of Mallorca's top tourist sights, and Dragonbird was walking through the caves when he suddenly spotted his cousin, from Leigh.

Larry from Leigh? Is that you?, cried the Dragonbird.

"Yes, it is me," replied Larry...but beware, THEY are out to get you....

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
"THEY who are They" asked Dragonbird. "They are the police and immigration department" replied Larry.

Surely they would have forgotten all about the minor offences I committed many moons ago thought Dragonbird.

Buy Larry assured him that he was a legend in the area. Ballads had been written and sung in the night clubs.

But Dragonbird couldn't undestand why - after all he had only performed some what he considered to be minor acts of vandalism.

Like emptying four large packets of Persil into the town fountain. Jacking the police cars up and removing the rear wheels, which he then dumped in the caves.

Surely the police and immigration must have forgotten by now ?

But had they ?????

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
The police admitted that they had great admiration for the Dragonbird, however the law, was the law and had to be upheld.

The Dragonbird shouted,"RUBBISH"...

I am the great Dragonbird, full of fight and intelligence and honour...with that he proceeded to...

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Continually fly high in the sky then 'dive bombing' the police station chanting (in a very loud voice) "2 4 6 8 10 who do we appreciate WIGAN"
To say the police were not impressed was an understatement - in fact they considered using a shotgun to stop Dragonbirds antics .......

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
..but decided against this tactic until Dragonbird began dropping loads of pooh as he 'dive bombed' the police station.When the Superintendent got hit on the head with a load, he cried out....

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
...will somebody please ring the dragonbird catcher...he has a special flying contraption that may just bring this bugger down....I have had enough of this bird's antics...it is about time it was put in the Naughty Cage...pooing whilst flying is not allowed....so the constable phoned the dragonbird catcher ...he got through ..but was first told to do one thing before the catcher got there ...he had too....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
grab a very large net with a long handle.

Well, the Dragonbird was not stupid. He saw the constable with the large net and flew over him and dropped a .....

Posted by: i-spy (13402)  Report abuse
..a note addressed to Lizzie down under posing a very interesting question...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...when Lizzie received the note, she gasped when she read the question.

It said, "Have you....?

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1124) Report abuse
Ever thought about sponsoring me so I can come and live in Australia ? - I promise to behave myself, so please will you sponsor me ? PLEASE ...

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
...Lizzie was shocked at the note ...all she could see was the dragonbird worrying all the native birds ...out screeching the Cockatoos and out howling the dingos ....nope no way would she sponser this reached creature...it would have to stay put...no amount of pleading by nice Wigan menfolk that had emigrated to New Zealand would shift her decision ...so think again ...maybe take a different view of the whole situation....meanwhile the dragonbird was nifftily caught and put in the naughty cage ....while a large gathering of Wigan dignitaries put their heads together to find a way of dealing with this situation....The a mobile rang.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"Hello? This is the Dragonbirds cousin in Wigan. I heard that my cousin is in a naughty cage down under.

Did you realise that the Dragonbird is actually Royalty and must be released immediately."?

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
...sorry you have been misinformed ...your cousin is in the naughty cage but has been rejected for immigration to down under ...er...Australia....the reason being the obvious.....we are thinking of actually moving the naughty creature up to the Isle of Skye ...we would like to have some family member to be a companion in the move...what do you think of the idea....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
"The Isle of Skye,...What???...The Isle of Skye?"

Cried the Dragonbird.....

"It is a most beautiful place to live...BUT, so remote. No way will I go to live there"

"I want to live near people, good people, like Wiganers"

So the Dragonbird....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
Flew back to Norley Hall where he...

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
...found that it had changed enormously over the years, since the 1950's where he grew up, as a chick....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
SOME VERY SAD NEWS, JUST IN...

The Dragonbird got hit by a bus on Wigan Lane this morning and squashed flat as a pancake.

GOODBYE DRAGONBIRD....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
However, the Phoenix says....

Posted by: lizziedownunder (6085)  Report abuse
.....what does the Phoenix say Fred? ....

Posted by: Anne (3129)  Report abuse
The Phoenix says if Doctor Who can do it,I can do it better and what's more if he is going to return as a she so can I. So.....

Posted by: fred mason (2623)   Report abuse
....she rose from the ashes to become a.....

Posted by: r.fisher (539)  Report abuse
An astronaut,soaring thru the stratosphere to where no Wiganers had ever been,like Benidorm.

Roy

 
 
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