Coffin

As the coffin was being lowered into the hearse at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The undertaker smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

Cue pedantry.

The BBC are not showing the full coverage of Vidal Sasoons funeral, they're just showing the highlights

Hearse raised

have they managed to get the lid on the coffin that the mon who wrote oki-coki yet

I'm not doing the one about the mon with a tear in his eye, after a solution to putting the lid on was found.

SMUTFILTH!

Or the viagara one

Reminds me of the time I was working in the Lab. It was getting on when I saw a wierd thing. The great beast that was lying on the mortuary table decided to get up and dance.
I still don't know how to describe it.

"As the coffin was being lowered into the hearse"?

A coffin gets lowered into the ground. It gets slid into a hearse!

I warned everyone at 16:10

Keep 'em coming, Tonker.

Six colliers were carring the dead undermanager that they had worked for to the grave, The coffin lid opened & the U/manager asked how many were carrying him, they said six, well i am only paying four ,was his reply

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER..

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP......

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP....

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,


The coffin stops

(Repeats can be seen on BBC2 most evenings)

Bruce Forsyth will be having an open coffin funeral at his own request. His family agreed that it would be nice to see him.

To see him nice.

The inventor of the tv remote control has died

His body was found down the back of the settee

and I thought that MY jokes were sad.....

We make our own coffins when a realtive dies.

"http://hostiimage-hosting-20/87001.jpg

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get
in, but they haven't got tickets

The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his
arm and walks to the gate

"McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he
walks

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings
it over his shoulder

"Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and
in he walks

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire
and tucks it under his arm

"O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing"

The Mrs. has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.

Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"



That spider never knew what hit it

Don't tell Mache.

Poor Oleg.

Our father, who are in prison,
Mother knows not his name.
Thy chavdom come, Thy shoplifting be done, in jjb sports as it is in poundland.
Give us this day our welfare bread,
And forgive us our asbos as we happy slap those who gave evidence against us.
And lead us not into employment
But deliver us free housing.
For thine is the chavdom
The Burberry and blackberry.
For ever and ever.
Innit

Nice one, SBT...

I came to this country with only one pound in my pocket.

And now I own a shopping trolley

Was stacking washing powder down one of the aisles in my local ASDA store where i work

when this girl who I'd met on the internet came down and saw me

"You lying git" she shouts

"whats up" i replied

"you told me you were a stunt pilot when we went on that date" she screams

"No I didn't,- I said I was part of an ariel display team"

You've probably heard these already:




An Irishman walks out of a bar.


------------------------------------------


My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.

Watching them drive away on his float were the worst three hours of my life.

-----------------------------------------

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in Belfast when they happen to find two bombs which had been previously hidden by the IRA.

Paddy: Well now, Mick, look at these....two bombs, to be sure.

Mick: So they are Paddy, to be sure, to be sure.

Paddy: Well then, what shall we do with them do you think?

Mick: Well, Paddy, I think we should take them down to the police station and explain it just like it happened, that we found these two bombs, to be sure.

Paddy: Right, that's what we'll do then.........but.......what if one of them suddenly explodes on the way?

Mick: Then we'll tell them we only found one.

The ice cream man was found dead today, covered in chocolate chips and strawberry swirl.

The police believe he topped himself.

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It's WALES, you stupid IDIOT, WALES!"

So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"



That's all I remember.....

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of coffee.

I said "Sod off Dave, I've got to go to work."

Some advice needed please.




I need advice on what could be a life-changing decision.

I've long suspected that my wife has been having an affair. She has become secretive and keeps getting mystery phone calls.

She's also started going out 'with the girls' a lot. I look out for her taxi when she comes home, but she always walks down the road - although I can hear a car setting off just as she opens the door. If it is not a taxi, who is giving her a lift home?

I really want to know the truth, so when she went out last night I decided to check up on her.

I hid behind my car parked outside our house. This would give me a view of the street so I could see which car she got out of.

It was while I was crouching behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

So what should I do? Should I take it into a local body repair shop, or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

I'll start the car.

Is it a used car?

Sheep bladders indeed!

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.....

my wife gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, you should of seen her face when i came home drunk

Ha ha brilliant every one
Just cheered up a miserable mid week lunchtime
keep 'um comin'

Paddy walks up to the bar,

Paddy: A pint of orange juice please, barman.

Barman: Still Orange?

Paddy: I haven't changed my mind.

--------------------------------------------

Paddy goes into a bar in Cork, Ireland, and asks the barman 'What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?'

Barman: 'Are you walking or driving?'

Paddy: 'Driving.'

Barman: 'That's the quickest way.'

----------------------------------------------------

Donald Rumsfeld was giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

The following list is not a joke.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________
As for the last!!!
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Mental arithmetic question: Do this simple sum in your head.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 Add another 1000 . Now add 20 Now add another 1000 Now add 10


.... What is the total?


Did you get 5000?


If you did, you are wrong. The correct answer is 4100. Try it again on a calculator.

This morning I answered a knock at the door. There was a policeman standing there, holding a photograph in his hand.

He said: Excuse me, Sir...is this a photograph of your wife?

I looked at it and replied: Yes, Officer...tell me...is anything wrong?

I was beginning to get a bit worried.

He went on: I'm sorry, Sir...but it appears that your wife has been hit by a bus.


Slowly, I lifted my head up, then said:

I know, officer...But she's a great cook, and AWESOME with the kids!

SEXIST!

All good.
I did that mental arithmatic one several times & kept gerrin' wrong answer. If you look at the individual numbers they add up to 4100. Something happens to the brain near the end. In your head is 4090 & you add 10, your brain says 4900 plus 10 - unbelievable

Me too. After 3 or 4 attempts I finally had to resort to the calculator.

A little paper bag

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?'
asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?'
queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor...






...'your mother must have been a carrier'

Sling yer bindle.

Pah!

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon, and baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night,
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid himself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snugly and fell sound asleep.

When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so disappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you've let yourself down too!"

If you are going to do that one....


Bloke in Holland who invented inflatable shoes has just popped his clogs, so there.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers

I was in Wigan Park yesterday enjoying the sunshine when I heard this argument going on

There was this couple having a right go at each other,he then turned and hit her, she shouted some more so he hit her again

just happened a policeman turned up and tried to calm everything down, not a chance; the man grabbed the policeman's baton and started hitting both of them.

What happened next was amazing


A crocodile appeared and ate the sausages....

That reminds me

Toby was the dog.

Good afternoon all

Just been to an inflatable cash machine. Notice on it said , 'Do not enter pin'.

Ha!

My pal Big Billy went for a job in a West End hotel

Billy did warn the manager that he doesn't always understand long words

Manager said 'No problem, just fill in the questionnaire'

So he went outside and beat up the doorman....

Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours.

A real worst case scenario

I've got a real soft spot for Tony Blair

Face down on Hackney Marshes

Text BUCKET to give a fiver to African kids who need clean water.

I texted BOUQUET instead, and sent some flowers.

I've got to keep up appearances.

Manager said 'No problem, just fill in the questionnaire'

So he went outside and beat up the doorman....





May need explaining.

May not...Well, not to the likes of me, anyway.

I've got a Benny Hill pic in me bonce.

HAHAHAHA

Ooo, a questionnaire!

Cordy brill

The Queen and the Pope were watching an England v Italy match in Rome

The Pope said 'With one wave of my hand I can have the whole crowd kneeling'

Sure enough, he did it, and the whole crowd knelt down

Not to be outdone; the Queen said 'With one nod of my head I can have the entire crowd in uproar'


'Okay' said the Pope 'show me'

She nutted him......

Well done Elizabeth.

^^ Eh?

The knowledge that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.


The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.


McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup....


From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on holiday in Benidorm and Corry comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30


Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.


Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other; like two freight trains, one having left Bolton at 6:36 p.m.

I like those, Cordyline.

He was deeply in love.

When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a Dust-bin lorry backing up....

She walked into my life like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
...

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to your nose.....

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamp post

You have a way with words Mr cordy.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are playing soldiers; The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss"

The 4 year old nods his head in approval

The 6 year old continues, "When we go for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass"
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mum, I'll have some Cheerios"
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step

His mum locks him in his room and shouts "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
"I don't know" he blubbers "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Scrutineer appears to be AWOL.

Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.


The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."

Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."

The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Google sent me that when I was searching 'Trod on a duck'.

And this

Ha ha
If memory serves that's 'Caddyshack'.

My boss told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke

"So have I made myself clear?" He said


"No I can still see you" I replied

What do you call Postman Pat on the dole?

Pat

My mate just asked me;

"If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"


I said "The long distance swimming one would be good!"

Replied: 23rd Jul 2013 at 15:57


So there

A couple were Christmas shopping

The shopping centre was packed; as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was

In a quiet voice he said "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I do remember that shop"

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door"

Mache is slacking.

I'll bet on at least two.

Replied: 24th Jun 2013 at 13:41

My wife wants me to leave because she thinks I'm obsessed with astronomy.

Well ! I ask you -- What planet is she on?

Have you noticed ? -- the Catholic church moves Easter every year to the same time as the kids are on holiday?