010201020005521.

A priest, a rabbit and a vicar walk into a doctor's surgery to give blood

The doctor asks "What blood type are you"

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

"Holy Mozes"!

Everyone at John Lennon Airport has been quarantined...

Imagine all the people!

There was no yellow in my egg this morning but it,s all white, From the little lad next door,

These companies who make sanitizing gel must be rubbing their hands! 😳

Virus ALERT !

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

….meanwhile....

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the NEW Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the OLD Spanish navy.

Said to my doctor "I can't stop singing Dean Martin and Bing Crosby songs"

He replied "You've got crooner virus....."

With the football being suspended -- I just started talking to the wife...…

….apparently she got laid off from Woolworths.

Unconfirmed reports that Diane Abbott has COVID-27....

Paranoia has reached absurd levels....

I coughed in front of the laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

Everybody in Germany is buying up all the sausages and cheese.

Its the Wurst Käse scenario

I bought a toilet brush last week.

To cut a long story short, I'm going back to paper......

I read that Tom Hanks and his wife have been given the all clear from the coronavirus

which is just as well, considering the list below, there would not be much chance for the rest of us.

He survived 4 years on an island as a castaway
He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave
Caught AIDS in Philadelphia
He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan;

He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan
Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates
survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon
Landed a Boeing on the Hudson

Tescos, good, occasionally busy later.
Sainsburys, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes.

Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening.
Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair.

Waitrose fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7.

Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.

And that's the end of the Shopping Forecast.

"There are only 3 types of people in this world -- Those than can count; and those that can't"

Diane Abbott:

My wife just shouted from the next room

Do you get a shooting pain like someone is sticking a needle in a voodoo doll"

Puzzled, I replied "No?"

she said "How about now?"

If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the subject

"Ding Dong"

don't open it.
They're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

Ordered a Chinesse take away

The Driver came to my door

He shouted 'Isolate, Isolate'

I said 'Mate no worries your only 15 minutes late'

Put the bin out last night.

Wife and neighbours started clapping.

Sarcastic bleeders.

So, the police have been given radical new powers to break up groups of more than 2.

If I were them, I’d start with Steps, then Westlife and S Club 7.

I had a dozen bottles of fine Claret delivered this morning.

The accompanying tasting notes say that the wine is best consumed before 2030.

Well I have to tell you. It is now 18.55 and I don't think I will be able to manage the last three bottles before half past eight.

Diane Abbott has announced she is to take a Coronavirus test this afternoon....

but feels confident of passing after spending all last night and this morning revising for it.

Greggs have announced plans to start a delivery service using drones...

All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me!

My electric fan has contracted Coronavirus.....

It’s currently self-oscillating.

Cordyline, Greggs don't sell pies!

Strange that, You would think they'd do well on the pie selling front.

Innit, I was shocked!
Last trip to Spain, my mate said, "I just called in Greggs at Leigh, t'gerrus some pies t'eat on t'way down, but they don't sell 'em. Girl said have these steak-bakes instead. They're laaaaike pasties"!

I'll tell you what, they were lovely. They'd gone before we got to Portsmouth. Highly recommended!

Never been in a Greggs.

I've just seen the new Batman shampoo in Tesco.

I believe they are missing a key market by not producing a conditioner Gordon.

If you see anywhere stocking Supperman shampoo, please post details on here. Just in case any members in particular are looking out for it!

Last year I was looking forward to leaving the EU

Now I'm looking forward to leaving the house !

A wee tip for you computer folks!

Don’t use “beef stew” as a password.

Apparently it’s not stroganoff

The guy who invented the USB port was buried on Thursday

It was a small serene service, his coffin was lowered gently into the ground.


Then taken back out again , turned the right way around and put back in again.....

I was invited to make the keynote speech at the Freudian Appreciation Society AGM.

My mother and father turned up to criticise me.

Scene: The billiard room in the Officer's Mess of a remote African station in the days of Empire. The Colonel is playing billiards with his aide-de-camp.

ADC: "Have you heard about young Farquaharson?"

Col. (eyeing up a pot) "Farquaharson? Farquaharson? Ah! You mean young Freddie Farquaharson of the Fighting Forty Fourth?"

ADC: "That's the chap"

Col. "What about him?"

ADC: "Apparently he's gorn native"

Col. "Young Farquaharson! Gorn native! What do you mean?"

ADC: "Rumour has it he's living in the jungle, naked up a tree with a gorilla"

Col. "Good grief! Young Farquaharson naked up a tree with a gorilla! Is it... is it a male or a female gorilla?"

ADC: "Oh female. There's nothing odd about young Farquaharson"

Auto-correct made me type things I didn't Nintendo...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet"
The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon"

Just seen the headline.....

Scotland, Wales & Northern Ireland to stay at home.....

At first I thought that it referred to the World Cup Finals

After years of studying obituaries,

I have concluded that no one ill-tempered or unimportant ever dies.

For Wanda;-

When I was younger I had a supporting role in a film called 'Confessions of a Window Cleaner'

I held the ladder.