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I love corny jokes...
Started by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse
Here's a couple of favourites
How do snails fight - they slug it out

Why did the elephant get kicked out of the swim pool
He kept dropping his trunks

Posted by: priscus (7109) Report abuse
Why do rabbits have big ears?

Posted by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse
I don't know.why do rabbits have big ears

Posted by: priscus (7109) Report abuse
Because Noddy would not pay the ransom.

Posted by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse

Posted by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died..

He pasta way

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
Therapist: “You need to go out more take up a hobby, stop doing weird things”

Me: “I went to the zoo”

Therapist: “Excellent, did you get anything from that?”

Me: opens coat “I got this penguin”

Posted by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse
what do you call a pony with a cough..

...A little hoarse

Posted by: peter g (2146)  Report abuse
(Comment removed because it broke the rules)

Posted by: peter g (2146)  Report abuse
sorry it was a rude one

Posted by: lectriclegs (3469) Report abuse
Posted by: peter g (2085) View peter g's page1,000+ Report abuse

(Comment removed because it broke the rules)

Replied: 3rd Jan 2019 at 13:48

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I don't get it.

Posted by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse
Why do the French eat snails

They don't like fast food

Posted by: bentlegs (4310) Report abuse
The chap who invented the door knocker won the no bell prize,

Posted by: priscus (7109) Report abuse
"I don't care WHAT you calls it Lady Chatt'ly: I calls it OVERTIME"!

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
I recently visited my GP

'Doc, I have problems with my hearing' I explained

'What are the symptoms?' the doctor asks

'A yellow cartoon family on TV' I replied

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse


Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy" the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear"

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
Was talking to a carpenter about workmanship and careers

"Yeah" he said "I got the sack once for being just two mil out!"

"That was a bit harsh" I remarked

"It was ok" he replied "I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway"

Posted by: priscus (7109) Report abuse
Failure is not an option.

(It comes bundled with your Microsoft package.)

Posted by: mindar (1076) Report abuse
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
Dave: "I got a job in the bowling alley"


Mabel: "Is it Tenpin?"

Dave:"No it is permanent"

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
I just cannot remember how to write 51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals


I'm LIVID..........

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
My mother asked me to hand out the invitations to my brothers surprise birthday party.

That was the moment I realised that he was her favourite twin.

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
As my Granddad always said “as one door closes, another opens”

Lovely man,-- terrible cabinet maker.....

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says -- “You’re not helping!”

-------------------------------


Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

Posted by: John59 (438)   Report abuse
dog with his foot all bandaged upstruggles into a saloon bar in Denver, Colorado.
As the doors flap shut and he limps up to the bar people begin scattering in all directions....

He says to the bartender .....

I've come fo the man who shot mi paw

(good night. exìts scene left)

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
Bratwurst



Sauerkraut



Cabbage



Potatoes



Cheese



Beetroot



Onions



Bread



Butter



Schindler's mum's list.

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse

Posted by: i-spy (14275)  Report abuse

Posted by: PeterP (6835) Report abuse
What does the Spanish carpet layer keep shouting whilst at work?




Underlay Underlay

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
Two Blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog
and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit,the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment,the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. :-
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says
You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna bleedin' die"

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
Last night I dreamt that I was eating huge marshmallows.


This morning -- I couldn't find my pillow.

Posted by: cordyline (4773)   Report abuse
I had a dream that I died and found myself forced to watch endless episodes of The Goodies

Bill Oddie Hell....

Posted by: Dave xl5 (295)  Report abuse
Man goes into a pet shop, the lady asks him, "yes sir, what can I get you?" The man says, "I'd like a wasp please" lady,"we don't sell wasps!" man, "strange you've got one in the window".

 
 
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