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The Dead Cat
Started by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on”

God said “Say no more” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together

God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again”

God answered “It is done” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat…
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2894) Report abuse


Posted by: peter g (2061)  Report abuse
Unbelievable a talking cat

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I've just been on that Trip Advisor site.

What a load of rubbish.
There's no information about a twisted ankle or skinned knees.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My previous wife died after becoming allergic to rubber.

She was my late ex.

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2894) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Its a little known fact that William Tell and his son, as well as being top archers were keen bowlers --- who featured in many bowling championship matches

Unfortunately, due to a fire 150 years ago which destroyed the bowling league HQ...….

….we will now never know for whom the Tells bowled

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth


Genie: You son of a ........

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
If a pig loses its voice...….

does it become disgruntled ?

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can GET two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3.

Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I had a letter drop through my mailbox this morning addressed to 'The Occupier'.

So I've sent it to the correct address,

the state of Israel.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane,

both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right rollocking.
Apparently they were Allied Carpets.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
The first rule of Norman Collier club is

ou alk ut orm er club.


LOOK

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
The only thing my Flat Earth Friends fear -- is sphere

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the hell,..I will treat her!"
So, they walked past again...

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My mate went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an 'infectious smile'

She had cold sores.....

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "get me a cup of coffee, quickly!!!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back:" And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director abgrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and slammed the phone down

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Former Rainbow presenter Geoffrey has passed away at the age of 76...

Bungle and George have sent their condolences...

Zippy's remained tight lipped

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Phoned the RSPCA today
told them I had found 4 foxes in a suitcase in the park.
They asked if they were moving.

I said I'm not sure -- but it would explain the suitcase.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo studio to get a tattoo.

It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain --- but the tattoo studio wasn't there.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I got stopped in the street on the way back from the library today

Some guy asked me "Why are you carrying a 9ft book?”

I replied... “It’s a long story"

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2894) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
During an after dinner speech last night

Boris Johnson commented that there is a 'shortage of common sense' right now in the UK

at which point the people who paid £5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I wish people would stop making vegetable jokes about Steve Bruce.

This is a football manager who had a £200,000 a year celery.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My friend just stormed in looking all yellow after getting a cheap spray tan

"Come on, then" she said "let's have it, some joke about me being Chinese, come on! Let's get it out of the way"

"Steady on" I replied

"You could at least say herro before you go jumping to your assumptions"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Sod's law:
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law:
The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law:
The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.

Cole's law:
A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I bought a Latte in Costa Coffee this morning.

The guy serving said "sorry we don't take £50 notes"

So I had to give him 2 twenties and a tenner.

Posted by: priscus (6799) Report abuse
costa packet then?

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I've designed a plane made entirely from rubber

so that when it crashes, it bounces.
It's a Boing 747.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My neighbour knocked at my door in the early hours this morning

He said "Your car alarm has been going off all night, I've got work in a few hours and had no sleep"

"Stop worrying" I replied

"I've got a steering lock on it"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A Traffic Warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, and a voice comes from inside

"Please help..I'm not dead..I'm not dead...Please let me out"

The vicar smiles...and leans over the coffin and says

"Too late -- I've already done the paperwork"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.

I thought: This could be interesting”

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
How many Scotties does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Just one - though without the English taxpayer they
wouldn't be able to afford lightbulbs …..

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
With the expected drop in temperature

schools are advising all mothers to wear two pair of pyjamas when dropping off and picking up their children.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
The wife said
"why the hell do you always go and stand in the street whenever I start singing?"

I said
"so the neighbours know I'm not beating you"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
There were three applicants for an accountant's position.

The first one went in to be interviewed and was told he had to do a little test. "What's two plus two?" The applicant looked down at his hands. "No using your fingers" said the interviewer. Eventually the first applicant came up with the correct answer and was told that someone would be in touch with him.

The second applicant went to see the interviewer and quick as a flash, when asked what is two plus two, gave the correct answer. The interviewer nodded appreciatively, obviously impressed and again said that someone would be in touch.

The third interviewee was invited in and was asked the same question.
He instantly jumped up, went to the window, closed the blinds, went to the office door opened it, looked down the corridor, shut the door, went close up to the the interviewer and whispered in his ear

"What do you want it to be?"

I think we all know who got the job!

Posted by: priscus (6799) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Mid-Wife for sale....

Can deliver

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.

A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man "Did you get a look at the driver?"

"No" he replied "but I can tell you it was my wife"

"How's that ?"asked the policeman

And the man said "I would recognise her laugh anywhere"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Teacher; Say a sentence with dandelion in it?

Jamaican student; The cheetah can run faster dandelion

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.

It's syncing now.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I just can't put it down.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My mate asked me if I remembered the wild parties we had in the 60s & 70s

Course I do; I've still got the Tupperware....

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender was gobsmacked "blimey - I've never served a weasel before, what would you like?"

"pop," goes the weasel.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Pemberton Newsflash !!

Police were called to a toddlers group where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I suffer from kleptomania.....

When it gets really bad -- I take something for it.

Posted by: mindar (916) Report abuse


What's the best thing about Switzerland?I dont know but the flag is a big plus


I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Years ago I was all set to be cast in a movie

Then Matt Damon swooped in and stole the lead role from me.

One day I’ll have my revenge.

I’ll make him sorry he was Bourne.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
“Your finest Scotch, please”

“Yes Sir” the guy at Office World says

as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Mrs Cordy didn't believe that I could build a car from spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank....

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
When someone says
"You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt" there are two things to consider.

They already have a list, and you are on it.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My car broke down so I had a look under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine...

The bat said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too"

I could see the problem,

......... bat flattery

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, wont open"

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with water"

Wife texts back about 10 minutes later:

"Computer really messed up now"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20mins and still couldn't find him.

My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo...

Still can't find the bleedin' dog.....

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
Bloke went into a bank with a gun and said to the teller
"Give me all your money -- or you're geography"

the teller said, "Don't you mean history ?"

The bloke replied

"Don't try and change the subject"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
My mate went on a date with a blonde woman last night

"Do you have any kids?" she asked

"Yes" he replied "I have one child that's just under two"

She said "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
PENSIONERS: Be careful in the travel agents--

18-30 holidays are not the bedtimes.....

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband

“I think it’s time for you to stop hanging around with those friends of yours. matter of fact you need to tell them now to stop coming around or calling”

The husband replies “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife”

His wife says “I thought you said you’ve never been married before”

The husband replied

“I haven’t”

Posted by: copperhead (1415)  Report abuse
A Wigan couple went tõ Spain for a self catering holiday.
When they arrived at the apartment She realised that they had no gravey for their Pools pie. She sends hubby round the villagto get some gravey
On his way he comes across a English bar.He thought he would enquire about the gravey.

Ast any Bisto He asked Sorry mate said the barman.. We dont speak Spanish


Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A new swanky Cannibal restaurant has just opened in Standish

it's £20 A head...

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
I play in a new band called 999 Megabytes....

…...we don't have a Gig yet.

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said
'It is 5:00 AM.... Wake up'

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man" replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem" the man continued
"I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly

"Come over here and lie down on the couch"

"Oh no, Doctor..... I'm not allowed up on the furniture"

Posted by: cordyline (4657)   Report abuse


….lost custody of the hamster too.....

 
 
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