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Exercise for the over 60s
Started by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse

The founder of Ikea has died aged 91.

Flat pack coffins.

Allen Key.

Leftover parts.

This joke requires some assembly.

Posted by: momac (8768)  Report abuse
Cordyline..

Posted by: roylew (2737) Report abuse
Aw cordyline I think step 5 is going a bit too far

Posted by: raymyjamie (5141) Report abuse
Cordy LOL

Posted by: madamehmurray (6039)   Report abuse
My parents are going to be 63 and 68 and they do a lot of gardening. They walk quite a bit when they aren't watching granbabies

Posted by: orrellite (2327) Report abuse
do they need to be King Edward's or will any do ?

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2420) Report abuse
Doo yoo know the difference between a good spud and a crap spud ????

Well a good spud as more cellulose material in it and crap spuds have more water in them and how you tell the difference is to feel the spud

place the spud in the palm of your hand and give it a good squeeze, it you can feel it give slightly (squishes) them it is full of water and will cook and taste awful, if when you squeeze the spud and it is firm and hard and does not flex, then it will be a good spud

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
After the recent case of rustling in the Yorkshire Dales Hollywood want to make a new movie

called Sheepless in Settle.

Posted by: spiderwoman (856) Report abuse


Lovely exercises for people over 60, Cordy. Very nice.

Posted by: berylh (1617) Report abuse
brilliant cordy, very funny

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I asked the apprentice to get me a newspaper

The geeky kid said 'Don't be silly, you don't need a newspaper in these modern times -- here use my I-pad'

That Wasp never knew what hit it !

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there they spy a red phone and ask what it's for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Donald Trump calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil tells him that the cost is 6 million dollars, and Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours.

When she's finished, the devil informs her that there is no charge, and feel free to call Scotland anytime.

Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.

The devil replies, "Since she became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Happy Red Nose Day !!

Or as African Dictators call it "New Mercedes Day"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
My mate took being sent to Jail really badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him

He smeared the walls with his porridge

After that, we never played Monopoly again!

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Two clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.

The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office

“Since we weren’t actually at war” the General began “I can’t give out any medals

We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.

You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.

We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!”
General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”
General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”


Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left little finger, sahr!”
General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: “What!
Son, where is your left little finger?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

Posted by: madamehmurray (6039)   Report abuse
My parents are both over years. Mom has no time to do anything with kids all day. Whem mom feeds them she eats herself. She has put on weight

Posted by: nanajacqui (1268)  Report abuse
That tickled me erin...can just imagine her eating herself

Posted by: priscus (6054) Report abuse
A stern warning of what biting your fingernails may lead to!

Posted by: madamehmurray (6039)   Report abuse
I stop biting mine

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I was saddened when my friend, a local blacksmith died

But perked up when I heard that I was included in his will.

I found that he had left me his dog.

I took it home and he immediately made a bolt for the door.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed,great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says:

"So, tell me..... do I come here often?"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I hate people who refuse to let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst!

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter.

I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I went to visit my Jewish mate yesterday

I found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls.

I said "Doing a bit of renovating then, are you?"

He said "No, we're moving house"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Frank always looked on the bright side...He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could have been worse"

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"

He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful" said Frank "But it could have been worse".....

"How in the hell" asked his bewildered friend "Could it have been worse?"

"Well" replied Frank

"If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Dr: " I have good news and bad news for you. What do you want first?"


Patient: " Bad news"


Dr: " You have a month to live"


Patient: "And the good news?"


Dr: "Financially, you're set for life"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Just heard on the news that Beyonce has discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.

Can't see her taking his surname somehow

Posted by: lectriclegs (3120) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Just become the leap frog world record holder....

On the down side I'm now banned from entering all Mosques.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Can't believe how strong the wind was last night.

I nipped out to get the wife some milk and got blown straight into the pub.....

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Imagine The Titanic with a lisp.

It's unthinkable.

Posted by: lectriclegs (3120) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man


go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Our Wi-Fi wasn't working last night

so I sat and talked to the missus for a while.

I was surprised to hear she is no longer working at Woolworths.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
A call to the UK Prime Minister’s office:

“May I please talk to Theresa?”

“She is asleep right now”

“If she wakes up tell her Vladimir called”


“What do you mean ‘if’?”

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
A wagon train went through the prairie and entered the foothills
They came upon a clearing where they found a previous wagon train, burned out, arrows in the wagons, no one alive.

The trail boss looked up and saw Indians all around. He thought GOSH!!

As he was pondering what to do he came upon a bottle and pulled out the cork and Yes, you guessed it - a Genie popped out!

The genie said "Not your day is it!. You can have only one wish but there is a catch

Whatever you wish for the Indians get two. So if you want a horse they get two. If you ask for rifles they get twice as many-get the idea"

The trail boss said " OK then in that case -- I'll have a glass eye"

Posted by: dennis dickinson (1131) Report abuse
On a more serious note - I am 73 and I go to Tai Chi lessons twice a week for 1 hour.
The exercise is basically gentle stretching - I find it very beneficial - it increases your balance and your flexibility.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
My mate's girlfriend is a stunner!

She works in an abattoir.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Harry and Meghan are asking for charitable donations instead of wedding gifts.

Starting with £2m from the taxpayer.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Here's a bit of advice:

advi

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
*First woman on the Moon*

Woman;- Houston, we have a problem

Tech team:- What?

Woman:- Never mind

TT;- What's the problem?

Woman:- Nothing

TT:- Please tell us?

Woman:- You know the problem

Posted by: MarieM (4949) Report abuse
cordy, I absolutely love your jokes but I can't get this one.

Posted by: lectriclegs (3120) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Marie

Posted by: kenee (1970) Report abuse

I think you have to be a bloke to appreciate that one.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I've just seen the Korean version of Crufts,

and to be fair, it was pretty much the same as ours -- with one exception....

The judges were all chefs.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Car-Jack

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Trainer in paddock at Ascot where he is running a horse owned by Lord Rosebery.

He takes a white pill out his pocket and gives it to the horse.
Unknowing to the trainer, Lord Rosebery is approaching behind him and sees everything.

Being a stalwart of the Jockey Club, Lord Rosebery is absolutely fuming and rightly so.

"What do you think you are doing giving my horse dope" he yells at the trainer.

The startled trainer turns around. "No your Lordship, you have got it all wrong" he replies.
"It`s just a peppermint, the old boy loves them"

Fidgeting in his pocket, he then pulls out another two white pills.
"Here you have one and I`ll have the other"

Lord Rosebery shoves it in his mouth and begins to blush. "I`m very sorry. Please accept my sincere apologies"


"No problem your Lordship, we all make mistakes" says the trainer.

Lord Rosebery leaves for the grandstand and the trainer legs up the jockey and gives him his instructions.

"Drop him in behind the leaders and approaching the 2f pole, pull him out and he`ll storm to the front .........

and don't worry if anything passes you, it`ll either be me or Lord Rosebery"!

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, the jockey is well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he's hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he goes over the last fence.

With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding and he only finishes second.

He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously hampered.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?


Actually..... the correct term is 'replace'

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Wanda, please look away now......

My mate has got to be the unluckiest man I know.

The prostitute he frequently visits has only one arm.

But he still managed to get the clap.......

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said "Thank you, I'll have chicken please"

She replied

"You're having soup you fat git, I was talking to the cat"

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I recently took up meditation.

Beats sitting around doing naff all....

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’

The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’

The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
love it’

‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie’

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead’

The rabbit said ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it’

Barman; ‘You never came back, what happened?’

‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.

‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’

After a short pause. The rabbit said…
‘Mixin-me-toasties’

Posted by: MarieM (4949) Report abuse
cordy, that's brilliant.

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
The bloke who invented the TV remote control has died.

He's going to be buried between two cushions on a settee....

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
Prince Harry says he doesn't want any fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Philip says he doesn't care and he's going anyway!

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
A couple of weeks after surgery, I went to my doctor

and he asked what I'd been doing.

I replied "Just lounging around all day, looking at the internet on my computer, drinking coffee, texting my mates"

He got angry and said

"I told you not to go back to your job at the council for at least a month!"

Posted by: mindar (523) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4401)   Report abuse
I was referee at a women’s football match yesterday

It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath

One for the silent treatment

Then I sent one off without explanation; and left her wondering what she’d done wrong.

 
 
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