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Tarmac
Started by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
A piece of red tarmac and a piece of black tarmac in a bar arguing over who is the hardest:

Red tarmac - "I'm hard, me! They put me down at bus stops so huge heavy buses can stop without skidding"

Black tarmac - "I'm harder! They put me down on motorways and thousands of vehicles a day run over me"

Just then a piece of green tarmac walked in

The barman whispered frantically "Shut up you two this guy is a nutter and really is hard. He's a cycle path!

Posted by: tonker (19344)   Report abuse
That's a good un! I just told it to my wife and she said, "what's a cycle path"? (she's from Wigan!)

Posted by: berylh (1618) Report abuse
cordyline

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4606)   Report abuse

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2505) Report abuse

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job, I asked him why?
and he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking"
I said "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair, the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!!"

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4606)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
A little bit about myself...

My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
My mate just rang me and said
"What are you doing at the moment?"

I said

"Probably failing my driving test"

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.....

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
Woman walks into Specsavers

'I'm returning the glasses I bought for my husband last week.

He's still not seeing things my way!'

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride to be

“Ma” he said to his Mother
“I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé”

Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him

“It’s that one” said his mother -- without blinking an eye

“Holy cow” exclaimed David “how in the world did you know it was her?”

“I just don’t like her” she replied

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
As a child:
'You are grounded !!'

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm'

Posted by: tonker (19344)   Report abuse
I didn't know British Gas delivered packages?

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
Abel really wants to win the sweepstake.

He prays to God - "Lord please let me win this sweepstake the bills are mounting up I have less money coming in than before, please Lord let me win this sweepstake"

The day comes and nothing at all,
the next weeks sweepstake is coming so Abel again prays to God - "Lord please let me win this sweepstake the washing machine has broke the car has broke down and my clothes are becoming worn"

Nothing -- again !
The next sweepstake is coming and again Abel prays to God "Oh Lord please; I'm desperate this time my wife is on the verge of leaving me and taking the kids I'm not going to have anywhere to live, please Lord I'm begging you let me win that sweepstake"

Then a thunder clap sounds -- the clouds part, and a booming voice sounds from overhead

"My child, at least meet me halfway -- BUY A TICKET!!"

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
A queue waiting for a job on a building site.
The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards.
'Name!' asks the foreman.

'Marks N Spencer' says the man.
'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. 'Clear off. Next!'

The next in line steps forward.
'Name!' again asks the foreman.
'W H Smith' says the man.
'I told you, no clowns! Next!'

Next in the queue steps forwards.
'Name!'
'T J Hughes!'
'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!'
Next man steps forwards.
'Name!'
'Ken' says the man.
'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?'


And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'

Posted by: berylh (1618) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France......

…...at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast

Posted by: nanajacqui (1356)  Report abuse
Funny those cordy

Posted by: cordyline (4467)   Report abuse
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour" it says, "You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the B*gger off.

 
 
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