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Tarmac

Started by: cordyline (5350) 

A piece of red tarmac and a piece of black tarmac in a bar arguing over who is the hardest:

Red tarmac - "I'm hard, me! They put me down at bus stops so huge heavy buses can stop without skidding"

Black tarmac - "I'm harder! They put me down on motorways and thousands of vehicles a day run over me"

Just then a piece of green tarmac walked in

The barman whispered frantically "Shut up you two this guy is a nutter and really is hard. He's a cycle path!

Started: 2nd Nov 2016 at 21:58

Posted by: tonker (27835) 

That's a good un! I just told it to my wife and she said, "what's a cycle path"? (she's from Wigan!)

Replied: 2nd Nov 2016 at 22:36

Posted by: berylh (2168)

cordyline

Replied: 2nd Nov 2016 at 22:38

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4618) 

Replied: 3rd Nov 2016 at 06:34

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (15202)

Replied: 3rd Nov 2016 at 08:48

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job, I asked him why?
and he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking"
I said "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair, the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!!"

Replied: 3rd Nov 2016 at 10:19

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 3rd Nov 2016 at 12:45

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4618) 

Replied: 5th Nov 2016 at 06:22

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A little bit about myself...

My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

Replied: 5th Nov 2016 at 17:48

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My mate just rang me and said
"What are you doing at the moment?"

I said

"Probably failing my driving test"

Replied: 5th Nov 2016 at 17:51

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.....

Replied: 5th Nov 2016 at 21:44

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Woman walks into Specsavers

'I'm returning the glasses I bought for my husband last week.

He's still not seeing things my way!'

Replied: 8th Nov 2016 at 11:09

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 10th Sep 2017 at 17:04

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 6th Jan 2018 at 16:40

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride to be

“Ma” he said to his Mother
“I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé”

Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him

“It’s that one” said his mother -- without blinking an eye

“Holy cow” exclaimed David “how in the world did you know it was her?”

“I just don’t like her” she replied

Replied: 9th Feb 2018 at 09:46

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

As a child:
'You are grounded !!'

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm'

Replied: 10th Feb 2018 at 18:02

Posted by: tonker (27835) 

I didn't know British Gas delivered packages?

Replied: 10th Feb 2018 at 20:03

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 10th Feb 2018 at 21:46

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Abel really wants to win the sweepstake.

He prays to God - "Lord please let me win this sweepstake the bills are mounting up I have less money coming in than before, please Lord let me win this sweepstake"

The day comes and nothing at all,
the next weeks sweepstake is coming so Abel again prays to God - "Lord please let me win this sweepstake the washing machine has broke the car has broke down and my clothes are becoming worn"

Nothing -- again !
The next sweepstake is coming and again Abel prays to God "Oh Lord please; I'm desperate this time my wife is on the verge of leaving me and taking the kids I'm not going to have anywhere to live, please Lord I'm begging you let me win that sweepstake"

Then a thunder clap sounds -- the clouds part, and a booming voice sounds from overhead

"My child, at least meet me halfway -- BUY A TICKET!!"

Replied: 15th Apr 2018 at 16:02

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A queue waiting for a job on a building site.
The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards.
'Name!' asks the foreman.

'Marks N Spencer' says the man.
'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. 'Clear off. Next!'

The next in line steps forward.
'Name!' again asks the foreman.
'W H Smith' says the man.
'I told you, no clowns! Next!'

Next in the queue steps forwards.
'Name!'
'T J Hughes!'
'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!'
Next man steps forwards.
'Name!'
'Ken' says the man.
'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?'


And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'

Replied: 17th Apr 2018 at 17:50

Posted by: berylh (2168)

Replied: 17th Apr 2018 at 20:05

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France......

…...at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast

Replied: 13th Jul 2018 at 13:02

Posted by: nanajacqui (4319) 

Funny those cordy

Replied: 13th Jul 2018 at 14:41

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.
A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life.
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour" it says, "You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device.
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught.
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the B*gger off.

Replied: 17th Jul 2018 at 20:48

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A truck load of Vicks Vapour Rub overturned on the motorway.

Amazingly the congestion cleared in three minutes

Replied: 26th May 2019 at 13:18

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (15202)

Replied: 26th May 2019 at 13:18

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

How does a vegan begin grace....?

Lettuce pray!

Replied: 27th May 2019 at 10:39

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him
"How do you determine whether or not an older
person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well" he said "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the person to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand" I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
than the spoon or the teacup"

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Replied: 27th May 2019 at 10:42

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives...

"Sorry"

Replied: 29th May 2019 at 19:27

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Did you hear about the Geordie whose wife asked him to buy a new carpet?

He came back with a Ford Fiesta.

Replied: 29th May 2019 at 19:28

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I needed a password eight characters long

so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Replied: 1st Jun 2019 at 10:36

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga.

Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away Ricky says 'Someone should go and tell his wife'

Jeff says 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me'

Ricky continues 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly' said Jeff 'When she answered the door, I said to her "You must be Shane's widow"
She said 'No, I'm not a widow'

And I said 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'

Replied: 4th Jun 2019 at 16:07

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Friend;- What you doing for work these days ?

Me;- I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing.

Friend;- So, charity work ?

Me;- No, Wetherspoons....

Replied: 22nd Jan 2020 at 22:58

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant.

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 12:58

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Sir Chris Hoy has a sister, Yolanda.

Keen sailor apparently.

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 13:02

Posted by: jathbee (11463)

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 14:23

Posted by: tonker (27835) 

Anyroadup, saying ‘tarmac’ is like hoovering up with a dyson. Unless, of course, it really is tarmac. Then you’re reet!

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 14:59

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Breaking News !! Breaking News !!

A dyslexic terrorist stormed the London Zoo today making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 15:20

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A delivery driver stopped me in the street today and asked me for the time.


I replied "Between 9 and 5"

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 15:22

Posted by: tonker (27835) 

It’s a good job he didn’t ask you where Garswood is. What would you have said?

Replied: 23rd Jan 2020 at 15:33

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Sent my hearing aid away 3 months ago for repair.....


heard nothing since

Replied: 24th Jan 2020 at 10:15

 

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