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Tarmac
Started by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
A piece of red tarmac and a piece of black tarmac in a bar arguing over who is the hardest:

Red tarmac - "I'm hard, me! They put me down at bus stops so huge heavy buses can stop without skidding"

Black tarmac - "I'm harder! They put me down on motorways and thousands of vehicles a day run over me"

Just then a piece of green tarmac walked in

The barman whispered frantically "Shut up you two this guy is a nutter and really is hard. He's a cycle path!

Posted by: tonker (19126)   Report abuse
That's a good un! I just told it to my wife and she said, "what's a cycle path"? (she's from Wigan!)

Posted by: berylh (1586) Report abuse
cordyline

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4585)   Report abuse

Posted by: Tommy Two Stroke (2072) Report abuse

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224) Report abuse
My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job, I asked him why?
and he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking"
I said "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair, the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!!"

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse

Posted by: graneyjoseph (4585)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
A little bit about myself...

My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
My mate just rang me and said
"What are you doing at the moment?"

I said

"Probably failing my driving test"

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.....

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
Woman walks into Specsavers

'I'm returning the glasses I bought for my husband last week.

He's still not seeing things my way!'

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride to be

“Ma” he said to his Mother
“I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé”

Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him

“It’s that one” said his mother -- without blinking an eye

“Holy cow” exclaimed David “how in the world did you know it was her?”

“I just don’t like her” she replied

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse
As a child:
'You are grounded !!'

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm'

Posted by: tonker (19126)   Report abuse
I didn't know British Gas delivered packages?

Posted by: cordyline (4224)   Report abuse

 
 
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