Login   |   Register   |   

Jokey

Started by: cordyline (5350) 

Does the Little Mermaid wear an ALGEBRA?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word LISP to have an S in it ?

Started: 2nd Oct 2016 at 12:48
Last edited by cordyline: 23rd Oct 2016 at 12:11:28

Posted by: lectriclegs (5712)

Replied: 2nd Oct 2016 at 12:50

Posted by: GOLDEN BEAR (6555) 

CORDYLINE:
Absolutely cracking gag that ,thanks.

Replied: 2nd Oct 2016 at 13:38

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today -- it said on the packet

'Best Before End...'

Replied: 2nd Oct 2016 at 14:35

Posted by: bassman (3591)

Many a true word spoken in jest....

Replied: 2nd Oct 2016 at 18:53

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

Man in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
nurse he mumbles are my testicles black
nurse raises his gown holds his penis in one hand and testicles in the other.
She takes a good look and says there's nothing wrong with them sir
Man pulls off the oxygen mask smiles and says
thanks for that but I just wondered if my test results were back.

Replied: 2nd Oct 2016 at 20:04

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I'm so sick of people saying stealing is wrong..

Quite frankly - I just don't buy it.

Replied: 3rd Oct 2016 at 10:53

Posted by: Joseph77 (inactive)

A Wigan mon took his cat to the Vets. The Vets receptionist was booking him in and she asked, "Is your cat a Tom"? and the Wigan mon said, "No, luv I've fotched him with me".

Replied: 3rd Oct 2016 at 11:04

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 3rd Oct 2016 at 11:14

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."

Replied: 4th Oct 2016 at 11:03

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Ian Paisley visits a hospital in Belfast.

In a men's ward he see's beds on the left with a letter P above each bed and on the right beds with RC over each bed.

"That's good matron. You've separated the Catholics and the protestants"

The matron replied "Ya big eedgit

That's for breakfast --

Porridge or Rice Crispies

Replied: 4th Oct 2016 at 23:40

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My book on Poltergeists has now been published;


and I'm pleased to say that it's literally flying off the shelves...

Replied: 4th Oct 2016 at 23:41

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.....

he's a catholic converter

Replied: 5th Oct 2016 at 19:57

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

So Tyson Fury has failed a drugs test and will lose his belts.

Still, a nice change for a gypsy to be the one stripped of metal


Replied: 5th Oct 2016 at 21:56

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

and for a chuckle before bedtime....

I went into my local bakery and asked the baker how much his cakes were?
He said they're all £5 except this one which is a Tenner

I asked him why is it more expensive? and he replied "Well, it's Madeira cake"

Replied: 5th Oct 2016 at 21:58

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

ah well....there goes my early night...
When it comes to having sex my wife is quite imaginative..

It's a difference excuse every time...

even bought her some lingerie in a size 20..
she said...are you taking the mick with this size?
I said "No, it's meant to be tight



Replied: 5th Oct 2016 at 22:09

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 6th Oct 2016 at 10:11

Posted by: grimshaw (3983) 

hundreds of shoppers were left stranded this morning in dublins leading dept store when the escalators broke down.

due to a water shortage in ireland dublin swimming baths are closing lanes 7 and 8

the new jumper i bought kept picking up static electricity so i took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge

Replied: 6th Oct 2016 at 13:49

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My wife has just left me,

she said she could take no more of me watching or talking about football -- morning noon & night.

I'm absolutely gutted...we'd been married for 5 seasons.

Replied: 7th Oct 2016 at 17:07

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?

Replied: 7th Oct 2016 at 17:11

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

If you do, please give me a shout.....

Replied: 7th Oct 2016 at 17:12

Posted by: fingers (inactive)

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Replied: 8th Oct 2016 at 08:18

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'


And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Replied: 8th Oct 2016 at 17:19

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Anyone who says that the best things in life are free clearly hasn't read The Metro

Replied: 8th Oct 2016 at 17:20

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

An old couple placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife..
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal between them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'



She answered...







The teeth.

Replied: 8th Oct 2016 at 19:51

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Replied: 8th Oct 2016 at 20:06

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long

that we've started to call her 'I can't believe she's not better'

Replied: 11th Oct 2016 at 00:07

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

A juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M6 near Orrell

Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on

Replied: 11th Oct 2016 at 00:09

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I went to @WeightWatchers last night and threw Malteasers all over the floor.

I then watched the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen!

Replied: 11th Oct 2016 at 09:58

Posted by: fingers (inactive)

You know the worst thing about these killer clowns is there could be literally hundreds of them in a single car.

Replied: 11th Oct 2016 at 10:34

Posted by: bentlegs (5295)

How Yodeling came about; An old tramp was walking in the mountains in Switzerland, Feeling tiered he went to a farm & asked the farmer for shelter,The farmer said you can sleep in the barn for the night , The daughter asked her dad who was that that has just gone in the barn, just an old tramp who wanted shelter, The daughter took a bottle of wine to him, she came back an hour later looking a bit roughed up & went to bed, His wife new what she had been up to so the wife took a plate of food in to the tramp & came back with her clothes in a mess, The following morning the daughter asked where the tramp had gone, i sent him on his way ,said the farmer, what for ? i had great sex with him last night so the farmer put his head through the window & shouted, hey you old bugger you had sex with my daughter , The tramp cupped his hands to his mouth & called out, ANDTHEOLDLADYEEETOO

Replied: 11th Oct 2016 at 15:24

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Breaking news!!!

ne ws

Replied: 12th Oct 2016 at 10:02

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

Replied: 12th Oct 2016 at 10:05

Posted by: fingers (inactive)

Two Thai girls offered me a threesome. It was like winning the lottery.


When we stripped off we had six matching balls.

Replied: 12th Oct 2016 at 14:27

Posted by: fingers (inactive)

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

Replied: 12th Oct 2016 at 20:51

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me.

Replied: 18th Oct 2016 at 00:09

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.

Push and pull.

Replied: 19th Oct 2016 at 12:14

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

With all the hoo-hah about the age of the refugees arriving here
in the last few days

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned the
new charity set up last week in Calais.......


"Shave The Children"

Replied: 19th Oct 2016 at 22:37

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor

and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?

The man from the 20th floor goes: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*


While the man from the 2nd floor goes:

*thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"

Replied: 20th Oct 2016 at 15:07

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

An Asian chap just moved in next door to me. He has swum with sharks, flown solo, run 12 marathons, walked across Australia, climbed Mount Everest and crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope.
His name is Bindair Dundat.

Replied: 21st Oct 2016 at 15:22

Posted by: albion (394)

a man went to lourdes in a whealchair when he came out whealchair had two new tyres on.

Replied: 22nd Oct 2016 at 11:51

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

All these years I thought I was great in bed but I've just found out my wife's got asthma.

Replied: 22nd Oct 2016 at 14:57

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 


Chortle

Replied: 22nd Oct 2016 at 15:50
Last edited by cordyline: 22nd Oct 2016 at 15:50:45

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Women are natural born artists.......

From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions.

Replied: 22nd Oct 2016 at 15:52

Posted by: staffbullterrier (2224)

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Replied: 23rd Oct 2016 at 09:53

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

Replied: 23rd Oct 2016 at 11:52

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

If SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF is it CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

Replied: 23rd Oct 2016 at 11:54

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000"

Doctor "Young" who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's Clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth"

Dr Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth"
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Petrol!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500"

Dr. Young (after having lost £1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your £1,000 back." (giving him a £10 Note)

Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500"

Replied: 2nd Jun 2018 at 13:23

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

Why did the 99 year old woman cross the road?

So she could pay her TV license and avoid prison

Replied: 21st Aug 2019 at 09:19

Posted by: cordyline (5350) 

I've always fancied having a go at Bell Ringing

So I became a Jehovah's Witness.

Replied: 22nd Aug 2019 at 09:31

 

Note: You must login to use this feature.

If you haven't registered, why not join now?. Registration is free.