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Cappuccino for Spartacus
Started by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
I was recently in a coffee shop when I heard the Barista shout:

“Cappuccino for Spartacus”

twelve people stood up

Posted by: berylh (1802) Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
3D printers are so realistic now.

I printed out a life-sized Bob Marley playing the guitar and the paper started jammin'.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
World Photography Day - not everywhere,

just the developed nations...

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
The doctor told my wife that the tickling sensation she had been feeling in her head was caused by a parasitic insect trapped inside her auditory canal.

He said he wasn't able remove it that day and to come back 2 days later.

My wife got quite rude and caused a scene, demanding to be treated immediately.

The doctor refused to be bullied and sent her home with a flea in her ear.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
A new car has been launched for American cowboys.

The Audi Partner.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
My Uncle Frank has just left me a stately home in his will....

I don't know where Sod Hall is; but I'm thrilled.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Carlsberg don't do holidays.....

......Neither do Thomas Cook.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
I’ve seen a bear open a door,

climb a ladder,

play a horn and ride a bike

but I still don’t believe it can make porridge.....

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Greta Thunberg

Putting the 'mental' into 'environmentalist'

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Decided as it was a pleasant evening to cycle to the off licence to get a bottle of Scotch.

The bike I'd borrowed had a basket on the front and as I put the bottle in it I thought

"What if I fall off, the bottle will break and all that good whisky will be wasted"

so I drank the lot. Good job I did,

I fell off seven times on the way home.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my will

I called out to my wife

"When I die; I'm going to leave everything to you my love"

She shouted back

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY GIT!"

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
The Judge asked me if I thought his duck impression was a good one.

I replied “Yes Mallard”

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
BREAKING NEWS

Nicola Sturgeon has demanded that the match between Japan v Scotland be replayed

as the majority of Scots didn't vote for that result....😲

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
A Scotsman walks in a bar -
usually there is also a Welshman Irishman and Englishman

but they are still away playing rugby.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Is it too much to ask the Romans to re-invade Britain?

Someone needs to resurface the roads.

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable smoothies has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide.

Their Melon - Cauli smoothie has now been withdrawn....

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Visitors to Spain are amazed at the skill of the tattoo artists there.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Teacher asks Billy;

If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?

Billy; Five

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
I'm fat -- but I identify as slim.

I'm translender.

Posted by: jathbee (9810) Report abuse
😂😂😂

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
Just back from a holiday in Dubai

I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I normally smoke Marlboro, but hey, it was a good deal.....

Posted by: priscus (7781) Report abuse
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and says: "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that?"

"Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

"Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent!"

That joke won second place in the World's funniest joke contest. First place went to one of Spike Miligan's, which the person submitting did not attribute!

Posted by: cordyline (5182)   Report abuse
My mate Bazz died, he was a JCB driver.

At his funeral, his work colleagues said that he left behind a hole that will never be filled.....

 
 
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