Funnies for Wanda's Mum

I wrote to that posh MP about pollution.

It began

"Dear Jacob, re smog......"

What do you call an Alien who eats too much cheese, egg yolks and animal fat?


An extra-cholesterol......

I tried to get through to the tinnitus helpline earlier but....

it just kept ringing.

I've just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.

I'd better lilo.

I accidently rubbed herbs in my eyes earlier...


Now I'm parsley sighted

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

Two commuters meet on the bus.

"Isn't this great?" says one.

"You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time"

"Exactly," says the other

"By the way - How long are you banned for?"

"What does Allahu Akbar actually mean?" I asked Muhammad my neighbour today.

"It has two meanings" he replied "The first meaning is - God is Great - "

"And the second?" I asked

"Run like Hell" Muhammad smiled.

There’s a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Wanda, Look away now

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

"I have something to confess, darling. I used to be a hooker"

He says, "That's alright, sweetheart. Your past is your past but, I must admit, I find it quite erotic.

Tell me about it"


She replies

"Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan"

"What's your name?"

"Dave Bleedin' Smith"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's, Dave?"

"No, but the Vicar at my Christening did"

Prince Harry has stated that He and Mehgan do not want the Traditional Fruit Cake at their upcoming wedding.

Prince Phillip said he will be going anyway

I opened my electric bill at the same time as I opened my water bill.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

I used to sell furniture for a living.

The trouble being

it was my own.

Costume party....

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp

Host: Your costume's too small to be a harp


Me: Are you calling me a lyre ?

A man with a stutter goes to see his Doctor.

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better-- My dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor


"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that"

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most *beautiful* girl - who will be be very interested in you and will want to know all about you”

“Great” says the frog “What’s the bad news?”


“....you’re going to meet her in a biology lecture....”

My wife said "You are paranoid; You act like a detective too much -- I want to split up"



"Good idea" I replied

"We can cover more ground that way"

When I go to an Indian, I always order a tarka masala ......

...... it's like a tikka masala, but a little otter.

Paddy says to Murphy

"I robbed a shop last night, I took a load of pictures, the cheapest one is worth £180,000"


Murphy says
"Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya silly eejit"

i have a polish friend who is a sound engineer.
i also have a cheq one too,cheq one too,cheq one too

I got up for the toilet in the night and noticed a stranger sneaking around in next doors garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and whacked him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him

Astonished I got back into bed.
-- My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied

" that Moron next door has still got my bleedin' shovel!!"

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket.

As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening.

He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in.

When the police officer checked them, he examined each sack.


He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says meow in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.


When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says woof in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.


He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts

"Potato"

There was a VENT on at the Labour Club. he wasn.t doing very well. a chap stood at bar kept shouting , "Ger him off" The VENT said hang on mate i am trying to ern a living , Chat at the bar shouts, Im not talking to thee its that little bugger on thi knee.

By the way Cordy. Nice table,

Bloke from Wigan takes his cat to the vets. He says “con’t ‘ave a look at me cat? The vet says “certainly, is it a Tom?”, the bloke says “Ney I’ve fotched it wi’ me”

"I take it you're from America madam"

"You condescending git, just because I'm a little overweight you assume I'm American?"

"No madam, this is Tesco and we don't sell guns"

If you think your cat loves you.....

just remember it would probably yawn and go to sleep while watching you getting murdered with a rake.

I love the romance of the Gold Cup Meeting.

Every year I kiss my money goodbye.....

Just failed my driving test.

When the examiner asked me "What sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?"

Apparently "Fresh farm eggs for sale" Wasn't the answer.

My Grandfather had Parkinson's disease.

He could never stop interviewing people.

Breaking NEWS:

Britain expels Aleksandr and Sergei meerkat....

I asked my mate how his diets going.

"Not good mate. I had 6 eggs for breakfast"

"Fried" I asked?

"No, chocolate" he replied

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells

"Don't enter that church you daft begger,
it's a trap!!"

His wife asks him "What on earth are you watching?"

Husband replies "Our wedding video"

Ive just been crushed by a pile of books---

Ive only got my shelf to blame

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of paper they buy.

...If a person buys the Guardian paper they’re liberal lefties.

...If a person buys the Mail paper they’re right wing reactionaries.

...If a person buys Sandpaper...... they are Australian cricketers.

A woman goes up to a car salesman and says
"I'd like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window"

Salesman - "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window"

Woman - "you do now"

If you are the older twin,

call your twin a few times a day and say,

“When I was your age”

and then describe what you did 7 minutes ago.

What a wonderful day for going down to the Soviet embassy,

knocking on the door and asking

'Is Len in?'



Ken Dod

Gone but never forgotten.

I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath.

Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I'd sobered up.

"How did you know I was drunk?" I asked

"You've still got a traffic cone on your head"

Back in Biblical days after the great flood,God speaks to Noah.

He says "Noah, now that the ark is empty, I want you to make it bigger"

Noah replies "Your wish is my command My Lord, what do you need"?

God says "Noah, I want you to add another twenty decks to the ark and fill it with fish"

Noah says "It will be done My Lord, what fish would you like"?

God says "I want it full of Kois, Noah"

Noah replies "Why just Kois,My Lord"?


God replied "Because I want a multi-storey Carp Ark"

brilliant made my day

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you Bleedin' Moron!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.

A bloke on my Ryanair flight refused to turn off his mobile before takeoff.

He was kicking off so much that he got taken off by the police and ended up doing 3 weeks in prison.

Most Ryanair passengers would call that “an upgrade”

An employee in our department at work has retired after 44 years without having one sick day.

Management have described her as “dedicated”

We all knew her as

“That cow who kept giving us the flu”

The sky burns. Empty buildings collapse into dust. No birds sing and no insects crawl. Earth's final drops of water evaporate into space. A man crawls across a shattered plain, and with his last breath whispers "To comply with GDPR we are updating our privacy policy..."

I like my steaks rare.

Tonight -- I'm having Panda.

Police have warned Fulham fans not to bring flares into the stadium for the play-off final...

Because that's what they wore the last time they were at Wembley.

BBC News "A senior NASA engineer has said the first person to set foot on Mars should be a woman"

Too right - We don't want it dusty when the men arrive!

My mate knew he was going bald....

when it took him longer each morning to wash his face.

Instead of an open topped bus,
Liverpool will now parade through the city in a horse drawn cart.

The horse has been supplied by Jurgen's brother Klippety.

"On behalf of the labour party I would like to congratulate the royal couple

on the birth of their new baby which weighed six pounds and seven pence"

Announced Dianne Abbott.

Every member of the Scottish National Party rushed out of Parliament earlier....

.....as they heard the local Westminster chippy were having a

"Buy one get one free" deal on fried Mars Bars.

I’ve recently joined my local boxing club
The trainer there suggested that I tried skipping to get fitter.

After doing this for an hour, he handed me a rope and said

“Use this -- You won’t look as gay”

Time flies when you're having fun.
Measure spiders when you're not.

I was doing the hoovering last night when the World Cup was on

Accidently bumped the telly - 7 players fell over.

After doing her calculations...…

Diane Abbott has confirmed Germany can still win the World Cup

Annoy the man at the airport checking desk when he asked

“window or isle”

by replying “window or you’ll what?”

It was only after I died

went to Heaven and was greeted by a dog; - that I realised I wasn't dyslexic.

Paddy's wife is involved in a bad car crash.
In the hospital she is just talking gobbledegook

The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compos mentis

Paddy shouts "No she's not !

Just third party fire and theft"

Q; What do you call an Englishman holding the World Cup?

A; The engraver.

I've started working in PC World

Or London as it used to be called.

I'm looking for a new home for a small terrier dog.

Lovely looking, friendly and playful but tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested please PM -- and I'll jump over my neighbours fence and get it for you.

People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors

need to take a good long look at themselves.

Tried to catch fog yesterday

MIST!

Saw this elsewhere, made me laugh, anyhow:

"The day Microsoft make anything that does not suck..........


It will be a vacuum cleaner!"

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said
“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate”

He said “Why? Is she a stunner?”

I said “No, she’s an optician”

Medical Dictionary.

Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What you do when patients die.
Benign: What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

…..Fibula: A small lie.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.
Urine: Opposite of you're out!!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2am this morning and yelled

"I can't sleep !!"

"Well it's your lucky day" I replied

"I've got a party going on in here, come in"

Working at the Jobcentre has to be the toughest job

- knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come back the next day.

I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends-

It's not easy; They keep moving the goalposts

Love is like central heating.

You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like that all the time

Also from Edinburgh -

The Swedes have bar codes on their warships

so that when they return to port....

they can scan-de-navy-in

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.

Went there.

Turned out it was a bleedin' hoax.

If you're being chased by a police dog,

try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw,
then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that.

Do arachnophobes search the web for solutions ?

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the underground.

He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes.

If at first you don't succeed,.................





skydiving is not for you!

To whoever stole my antidepressants;


I hope you're happy now.

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "Ive been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer asked "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied
"No not really; it all happened so fast"

I was in Hong Kong last week,

as I slipped on my shoes I noticed printed on the inner lining

'made round the corner'

My wife looked out of the window and said
'It's not going to stop is it?'

"Of course it isn't" I shouted

"You didn't put the handbrake on!"

I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the 'John'

and renamed it the 'Jim'

I feel so much better saying
"I went to the Jim this morning"

I’m heading to Greenwich later this evening...…..
….and wondering what I should do in the Mean Time.

I was asked if I knew the difference between Sunni and Shi’a ?


I don't know which is which --- but they definitely sang
‘I got you babe’

The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic.


Paramedics say he could have done with an extra coat.....

My wife was going through her wardrobe

Wife "look at this; it still fits me after 25 years"

Me "it's a flippin scarf"

Me to Ryanair cabin attendant on decompressed flight FR7312 from Dublin

"THERE'S NO OXYGEN IN THE OXYGEN MASK!!!!"

Cabin Attendant: "it's coin operated"

I was at a hardware store in cockney East London and asked this 'geezer'

"What gets rid of grime and stubborn stains?"

"Ammonia cleaner." He replied

"Sorry" I said "I thought you worked here"

I called up my supplier today but got the answering machine.

It said "If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key"

I think churches would be much nicer places to visit if they didn't always build them in graveyards.

Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem, he gets into the main square where a crowd have gathered to stone an adulteress to death ….

Before the stoning starts Jesus quickly stands between the mob and the woman, arms spread wide he says

"They whom are without sin cast the first stone"

Suddenly a huge rock comes flying out the crowd and hits the woman right between eyes, blood spurting everywhere

Jesus says to the woman who threw it

"You can be a right smug pain in the bum sometimes Mother"

A man is walking along the pavement dragging his leg behind him when he notices another man walking towards him dragging his leg as well.

As the 2 men pass eachother one man points at his leg indicating an old war wound and says
"Vietnam 30 years back"
the 2nd man points down at his and replies

"Dog Poo, 30 yards back".

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying "Fair's fair... Here's your money"
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump"
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for life

Promise a man someone else's fish and he will vote Labour... .

Ralph and Doris were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Doris promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered Doris to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Doris the news she said, "Doris, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead"

Doris replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"

You crack me up Cordy!!!!!!

Breaking News-

Theresa May just said

"We will leave the EU when DFS sale ends"

Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray

As I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says" Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!"

I was like, eh?!?!.

I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!"

I said to the doctor walking past "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?"

He replied .......
.
"no --- this is the Burns unit"

Sadly my obese parrot has died from over eating.

To be honest it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I'm not that happy about it, but I have a new job where I greet people and have to say very cheerfully

"Welcome to PC world !"

It's at the airport welcoming new immigrants into this country.

Breaking news.

Bilbo and Frodo Baggins have had their benefits sanctioned

They are being investigated after it has come to light that they have been co hobbiting…...

Relax Frank relax, it's just a small surgery; don't panic !

-- But Doctor my names not Frank.

-- I know, I'm Frank

"Keep division out of politics" says Diane Abbott…..

"Would you like anything on your chips?"

"Does it cost extra?"

"Ten pence"

"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie"

My mate; "I like your sports car"

Me; "It's not very practical now we've got a baby"

Mate; "How about I buy it off you"

Me; "Yeah go on then. £4000?"

Mate "You've got yourself a deal"

Me; "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad"

The man who invented the shelf.

What a ledge!

To whoever stole my glasses, I WILL find you

I have contacts...

Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool.

His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....



Taiwan !!!!!

I asked Oliver Twist:-- Do you want to be in the Rugby world cup sweepstake.

He replied:-- Please can I have Samoa?

For all those who believe in psychokinesis...…


Raise my right hand.

I went to the doctor’s the other day,

I said, Doctor I think I have ambrosia.

He said, I think you mean amnesia.

I said, no, I can’t remember when I last had rice pudding.

Argentina is surprisingly cold.

In fact, it's bordering on Chile.

SCAM WARNING!!

If you receive an email with the subject line:

Two free tickets for the next Scotland home game

DO NOT OPEN IT!!

It contains two free tickets for the next Scotland home game

I nearly drowned in the Wigan swimming pool today.

There was a really attractive lifeguard who kept smiling at me.....

so I thought I would do something to impress her

.....I took off my armbands!

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together........



One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"


The 94 year old yells back "I don't know, I'll come up and see" He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"


The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful"


He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door"

It's been a bit of a strange day!

First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.....

A recent survey in the United Kingdom asked the following question:

....Are there too many foreigners in this country right now?

18% said "Yes"

82% said "لا أنا لا أميل"

A man was found dead in Pizza Hut today...... police found the body of the man in the storeroom at Pizza Hut.

He was covered in ham, pineapple, anchovies and pepperoni.

They don't suspect murder..... they think he topped himself.

Terrible weather conditions today...
I've just visited Maud my 87 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shop.

Turns out she did, so I've given her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather.

Queen - I’m opening a hospital today and I don’t whether to
wear my fox hat or my beaver hat

Prince Philip – Where is the hospital?

Queen – Wigan

Prince Philip – Wear the fox hat

Queen – M6 junction 25

An elderly, but hardy cattle farmer from Devon once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her breakfast each morning.

She did this religiously; and lived to the ripe old age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren

and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Tonight I am going on a pub crawl

I've put a bottle of beer in every room of the house

For Cordy,Mother, Billy wash your hands, Billy, i cant mum, Mother ,why, I dont know the words to happy birthday.

A Fart is the roar of an angry turd.