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Mr Corbyn and his Cheque
Started by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
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Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Corbyn :"Actually, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID"

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Corbyn, but these are the bank rules under the legislation, and I must follow them"

Corbyn"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says

"Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes Mr Corbyn. ?....

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
I asked for a wake up call at a hotel and they said, You're a alcoholic and you're killing yourself.

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
Was called going to Norway for a Christmas break, but can't af-fjord it.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
My neighbour has been showing off his new hearing aid.

"State of the art, cost me a fortune" he said


So I asked him, "What type is it?"


"Half two" he repied

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
People who say 'Everything happens for a reason' have never sh1t themselves on public transport.

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but thatís Heinz sight.

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, 'Please donít bend.' So how was I supposed to pick it up?

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
At any given time, my urge to sing

'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away.

A whim away, a whim away.

Posted by: baker boy (15426) Report abuse
nothing like a good joke to make you happy,maybe one will come along in a bit.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Someone called me condescending today.

(That means talking down to people)

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
"Well Dave, thanks for bringing your plate to the Antiques Roadshow...

Unfortunately it's not Ming Dynasty as you'd hoped but....

the good news is;

the Chinese marks indicate that it's Microwave and Dishwasher Safe"

Posted by: whups (4570)   Report abuse
at least he,s paying tax unlike the rich & big business who pay nowt .

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
I see this thread went over your head, Whups.

Posted by: whups (4570)   Report abuse
no way terryw . so tell me i,m wrong .

Posted by: lectriclegs (3900) Report abuse

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
Really, you need telling?

Posted by: lectriclegs (3900) Report abuse
An brief history

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
If you give a man a Rod and Net he will fish and feed himself and his family.

If you give a man a fish.

He will vote Labour

Posted by: baker boy (15426) Report abuse
IF YOU PUT HIM ON BENEFITS FOR LIFE HE WILL BECOME A LIFELONG LABOUR VOTER.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
A little known fact,

Elvis served in the bomb disposal unit during his military service;

due to his experience with suspicious mines.

Posted by: aussie94 (2346) Report abuse
Great joke about Corbyn , loved it

Posted by: whups (4570)   Report abuse
yes i do .

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
A cowboy emigrated to Wales

He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

Posted by: TerryW (4136) Report abuse
Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg; he was about to be hanged.

I started shouting out letters.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
With my first date in a French Restaurant, I decided I would try to impress her with the French I learned at school.

After a perfectly pronounced delivery, the waiter set off for the kitchen.

After a few minutes, he returned and said...

"would Sir like to order now I have shut the door and opened the window?"

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.


I've contracted something called feefiphobia.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Looks like Thomas Cook will join

Woolworths
JJB Sports
Toys R Us
Blockbuster

On my CV; as companies I've been manager of

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would work,

Ö..but I stand corrected.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years,

......Ö.the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Does anyone know how to cancel an Ebay bid?...

I offered 3 quid on a cowboy outfit....

and now I'm six minutes away from owning the Labour party.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I hate playing Monopoly with Remainers.

They keep wanting to carry on throwing the dice until they get the outcome they want.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I've just bumped into my little mate Peter in town

He was telling me all these funny stories about the flatbread factory where he works.

I love to hear the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Ö...stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that---- got the tee-shirt.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
What does DNA stand for...

National Dyslexic Club

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Got home to this message

Hey Cordy
I'm at work
Dinner is on the stove
The gas is already turned on
You only have to light it
Love you
Kim
xxx

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Started a new job at the Samaritans last week.

Tried to ring in sick this morning & they talked me out of it!

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Ireland Declared War on France

Long ago, Jacques Chirac The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy" Chirac replied "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command"
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor"
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war"
"Really? I am sorry to hear that" says Chirac "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners"

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world"

"I am entering," said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First Place" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world"

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"

"First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says, "this is mine"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" the other two ask.

"Who the hell is Tony Blair?" asked Pinocchio.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Jeremy; 'Can you spell Orange ?'

Dianne; 'The fruit or the colour ?'

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I once got arrested while watching Countdown.

That's eight letters that is....

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I stopped a bloke in the street and said
"Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip"


He replied
"Scotland to win the World Cup"

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
I secretly swapped over all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge the other day.

Mrs Cordy didn't find it at all funny though,

she got her Snickers in a Twix

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife
"Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers "Yes"

He asks "Who's is it?"

His wife replies "Yours!"

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
Press conference 1940.

C4 News: - "Mr Churchill, why won't you surrender to Hitler? lives could be saved"

Daily Mirror:- "Why are you so anti Nazis Prime Minister? Is your party Naziphobic Prime Minister"?

Laura Kuensberg:- Why didn't you stockpile one million tanks Prime Minister"?

Guardian:- "Do you now accept if you'd built an extra two million spitfires the war would be easier to win Prime Minister"?

BBC News:- "The planes flying at night are impacting on peoples ability to sleep. Will you apologise to those affected Prime Minister"?

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
My mate told me he's carrying on with twins without either of them knowing what is going on!!

I asked 'How on earth do you tell them apart!?'

'Well' he said....'Rachael has long blonde hair.........and Daveís got a moustache!!!'

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head.

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
What has Boris Johnson and Tammy Wynette both in common ??


They both stand by their man

Posted by: cordyline (5350)   Report abuse
When I was in school I got asked,
"What is 3000 converted into Roman Numerals ?"

I replied "Mmm..."

 
 
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