The New Politically Correct Royal Navy
The Royal Navy is proud to announce the arrival of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers.
Initially the first two ships were named HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless.
But the Navy's Ship Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels (voicing its concern about any member state sounding too aggressive) renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named: HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full, sympathetic industrial tribunal.
The crew will be made up of men and women on a 50/50 basis.
It will contain the correct, statistically proportionate, balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation developed over five hundred years of naval tradition for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash".
So out has gone the rum ration. It has been replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, but is now extended to include all ratings, male and female, under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.
The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen, as it now offends the English, Scots and Welsh.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Mohamed Hooq from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."
Her final words were: "When push comes to shove, Britannia waives the rules.”